DD leaving her baby with me

It's possible that it's not about maturity, but about OP's DD not wanting to be a mother. She was essentially forced into it as it was too late to get an abortion when she found out.

You can't mature your way into wanting to be a mother to a child you didn't really choose to have. Look at the father who is having nothing to do with the baby because he didn't want to be a father, I doubt he will mature into wanting it and appear in baby's life in a year or two.

Not at all weird. Does she feel like she has a choice about keeping the baby, if her mother is the one anti adoption? We don’t know.

So what if she is 17? I was a mum younger than her and never would of acted like this, there are loads of 17 year old and younger mums that do not act like this. Its honestly getting insulting seeing people on here use it as an excuse.

Point is though if she doesn't want the child and the grandmother doesn't want to raise it then it's best to consider adoption asap because it's easier for a baby to be adopted than an older child. And being adopted is a lot better than being fostered.

The mum of the baby has said she wants to go back to college and use the on-site nursery. Weird to then ask if she’d like to have her baby adopted I would say.

Ah a thoughtless and I'll informed post if ever I saw one. Not good .

But it is being dismissed by many in this thread, as if it’s so unconscionable that it shouldn’t even be mentioned.

‘just think maternal mental health also needs consideration and the mum needs actual choice rather than being told she’s failing and should lose her baby as a consequence which is the tone from some posters.’

And nor should she be told that ‘adoption isn’t an option’. Her mental health may very well be suffering because she feels forced into raising a child she doesn’t want, rather than it being a case of poor mental health preventing her from caring for a child that she would otherwise want.

OP would be wise to find out what her daughter wants and go from there.

Not dismissing it, just think maternal mental health also needs consideration and the mum needs actual choice rather than being told she’s failing and should lose her baby as a consequence which is the tone from some posters.

I don’t think it’s a ‘big leap’ at all - she found out she was pregnant seven weeks before she gave birth, which meant she had no choice as to whether to continue the pregnancy or not. I wouldn’t dismiss adoption as an option for anyone under those circumstances, especially when they’re demonstrating behavior that would suggest disinterest in the child and being a parent.

But she IS 17! That is the situation at hand; not the plight of a 35-year-old CEO with PND.

That is one of the facts in this scenario. Seventeen, presumably unemployed, uneducated, idle, disinterested, avoidant, irresponsible, a partyer, and disprespectful of her mother. Not a good start in life for the child and ominous signs of what his life is going to be like going forward.

As someone who was that child I can assure you that there were no consequences that my parents could inflict on me (short of physically tying me up) that would have prevented me from doing exactly what I wanted to do, when I wanted to.

My parents were in no way responsible for my appalling behaviour and their parenting was exemplary.

Of course - in the absence of her asking about adoption it seems a big leap though and again not one we would make if this mum wasn’t 17.

OP hasn’t said what her daughter actually wants, or that she’s even asked her what she wants.

What support should be offered is dependent on that.

It is a difficult situation and I’m sure I would adore a grandchild if my adult DCs have them.

However now mine are grown up I really wouldn’t want to go back to caring for a baby at my age and the OP prob feels the same.

It's interesting how many responses don't mention the actual poster OP, the Dgran in this situation.

Maybe I'm overly sensitive to this point, being older myself, but her needs have to figure somewhere in this equation, being as she is the one who posted and is the one with the life being changed and the one likely to pick up the brunt of ongoing childcare.

I can’t see how you have come to that conclusion from what has been shared.

The child’s needs won’t be best met by a knee jerk decision to place him for adoption. It’s in everyone’s interests to support this mum.

The child's needs trump the bio mother's.

This situation is the result of a long series of immaturity, self-interest, lack of self-discipline, lack of effective parenting of the teen, avoidance of reality and inconsideration for others. It's not a one-off wobble. It's a familial pattern.

This^

"If she was old enough to choose unprotected sex then she needs to face up to her responsibility."

I actually cannot get over how misogynistic, judgemental, ageist and disgusting so many of the posts on this thread are. We have no idea what the circumstances around the conception of this child were nor is that anyone's business on here. Jesus wept.

Would we say the same, about letting the baby go to an enthusiastically welcoming home, with a mum in her 20s or 30s suffering from PND, for example?

Of course she could be supported with that decision but that would require therapy and time to ensure it’s a real choice rather than something she feels is her only option. Given the circumstances and how little time she had to prepare she is at such high risk of post-natal depression and adoption isn’t a quick fix for this situation, for the young mum or her baby.

But what if she is not "struggling"?
She may well have decided that she just does not want to raise this baby and if thats the case OP will have to (probably in the hope that her DD will step up at some point) or someone else will have to and that could well mean adoption
The Mother should be offered support etc if she wants it but if she would rather not then other arrangements need to be made

I can’t believe how quick posters are to suggest adoption rather than support for a young mum who is struggling, as many do, in these early stages.

I think you need to consider issues like post natal depression which could affect how she is bonding with her baby, and / or low self esteem which may mean she believes you are the better “parent”. I would focus on her understanding how much he needs her, how comfortable he is with her, how she is the number one person in his life rather than practicalities of hours of babysitting you will offer. Obviously deal with those practicalities but there are bigger issues here that she needs support with.

Her old life is gone.

This baby didn't materialize out of the blue. The daughter AND the OP made a series of choices (who lets a teen / minor stay out all night unchallenged? No wonder she was pregnant at 16) that has resulted in a very vulnerable new human being that no one wants to be bothered with. It's really a shame. The baby must already be so confused.

The unselfish thing would be to let the child go to an enthusiastically welcoming home.

The softly softly approach clearly isn't working.

You need to be blunt with her.

The baby is HER responsibility and she can NOT leave her with you. Tell her you will babysit ONCE a week but she needs to be back by 11pm. Make it very clear that if she does not take her parenting responsibility seriously you will get social services involved.

If she was old enough to choose unprotected sex then she needs to face up to her responsibility.

Except it seems you were aware that you had a baby that needed to be cared for and as a result your life would change. I'm sure it was an agreed decision for your parents to babysit at weekends and you wouldn't just leave your baby in the house and go out without telling them?

OPs DD is essentially abandoning her baby without any warning, staying out all night, etc.

Its not about OP being supportive- which she is as she is caring for the baby. Its about a 17yr old mum who doesn't act like she wants to be a parent.