DD leaving her baby with me

Call social services, that poor boy is being abandoned by his mum. They won’t judge but will give her a wake up call, plus lots of support on how to balance her life as a mother and a teenager

My DD was PG at 17. It was in a serious DV situation, so we had SW and was very difficult. She is now 21 and DGS is 3. She's doing grear, in uni. It was a long road though and its been up and down. I do help her out quite a lot but she is just really stepping up now. I see it as a team effort and I am so blessed to have him in my life. I have him overnight usually 1 night a week but sometimes 2 and I've had him a few days sometimes so she could go away.
You need to remember your daughter is really still very young and probably has some form of PND. What a shock to find out so near the birth and motherhood is hard!
You need to think long term. My DD has had troubling times where I worried she wasnt coping, or was taking the P asking tooo much of me. I have her 13 year oild brother too with SEN needs, and I can struggle. But seeing ber grow as a mum and my DGS developing is a real joy.
Things that helped my DD were:
A family nurse- if you can get one these are amazing. She saw my DD weekly and taughter her so much about mothering- she didnt always want to hear my thoughts- and I didnt want to make our rocky relationship worse- our family nurse was always an advocate and a neutral person- they support YP tull their baby is two.
Managing to get her own place- I did have to say I was making her homeless but she got her own place 10 mins drive away and it saved our relationship. I went over most days as she didnt drive, so I took my DGS to his childminder, then picked him up and dropped him home.
Applying for Uni and learning to drive- also big things and me and her Dad (we're long diverorced) bought her a car- she still can get really down- do silly things. She hasnt been the best with her car- speeding tickets etc, but its all a learning curve- they are still growing up!
I think its helped my daughter to have regular overnight care so she can go out- they need to be able to party, and also go on holiday a few times.
Praise your daughters mothering and bond if you can and cut her some slack. For her and you DGS long term mental health and happiness, they need you to be calm, stable and supportive. Sounds like she's been doing amazong. Get professional help if you can, and try to enjoy being a young ish Nana!

Good luck!

This is desperately hard for you. I had two friends who had babies at 17. One took it on board fully, stepped up and has made a great success of her life. She went on to have more children, have a happy marriage and combine it with a career. The other just couldn't cope. Her Mum offered support but wasn't mentally well herself and in the end the baby (toddler by then) was taken into care and eventually adopted. That friend has never had another child, because she realised it just wasn't something she wanted. I think hard as it is you need to have a conversation with your daughter about whether she really wants the baby. There is no shame if she doesn't. There are so many couples desperate for children who could give it a wonderful life. I do hope it all works out for you all.

I actually thought along those lines to. at least OP should suggest adoption if that may kick the mother into looking after her son

Literally, contact social services and report her for child abandonment and neglect. She's never reachable when out and that's dangerous should her child fall ill. You could also kick her out, make her work full-time and apply to UC for childcare payments (They pay upto 80%).

You need to do something drastic to give her a wake-up call. Has she never heard of a condom, OP? Is she one of these girls who thinks that the pill/injections/pull-out/not ovulating is a fail-safe method? To be honest, she wasn't mature enough to use 99% precaution by using a condom, then she's still too irresponsible to be a parent.

Kick her our, file for custody, take the UC payments. Sometimes as parents we need to be cruel to be kind.

Could be worth contacting social services or similar, our local area has a mother and baby home for young single mothers. I know someone whose daughter went in one for a bit before getting her own place and it was quite good as they have curfews and no visitors after a certain time etc. helped them learn responsibility and how to manage a house etc.

I'd be thinking about:

• Is the house welcoming if she invites friends over? Friendships change and some of her friends may be less interested in her now she has a baby, but the good ones may well be up for coming over for coffee / pizza / a film at your house etc which are all compatible with a small baby. She could host the pre-clubbing bit of the evening (if friends drink in moderation) and stay home when the others go out (may not work if she really wants to do the clubbing bit) Also, babies of this size are generally portable - there are places she could go out to with friends and the baby.
• GP and/or health visitor (post partum depression / any physical problems from birth that haven't healed, local support groups) *NCT / other local equivalents - where she can meet other people with a baby at the same stage as hers. Yes, they're likely to all be older and in different circumstances but they're useful contacts for the specifics of two month old babies (that parents of older children will have forgotten) *Sleep - yours / hers / the baby's - everybody will have a nicer time if you're all getting a reasonable amount of sleep. Although young, she may well cope better with sleep deprivation than you will. But maybe you could offer her a night off each week to sleep? Or explain why you're better doing daytimes and can't do overnights? *Knowledge - does she know that small babies are often thought to be boring until they get to be a bit bigger and more interesting - you do lots of feeding/nappy changing / soothing to sleep for little 'reward' to start with? Has she seen / read parents talking about hating maternity leave and not connecting well with their children till they're older? Does she feel confident in her ability to parent? It will be harder for her to parent with you there in some ways (and equally harder if she wasn't living with you in other ways). Who does she want in her village? Are the baby's other grandparents aware/involved/helpful?

I had mine at 17 and 18 so I don’t think age is an excuse.

Realistically she either needs to dramatically change. You or another family member need to accept primary responsibility for the baby for the foreseeable or she needs to place him into care/for adoption. This is neglect and your primary consideration needs to be the baby, hard though it is when mum is your baby.

Tamara Beckwith had Anoushka at 16, passed her along to her parents and carried on being a party / IT girl. I know, I was at school with her (well, A level crammer in Kensington)

Exactly! My friend {Grammar school girl} who got pregnant at 16 had no one to help her- she was out on her ear.

Absolutely, I had a baby at 17. I moved in to my own flat and looked after her full time. I went back to college/work (apprenticeship) when she was 4 months old and she went to nursery. My parents had her on occasion but no more than any other grandparents and always had to be prearranged. I don't think being 17 is any excuse for taking no responsibility.

I don't think OP's ever been back beyond the first few minutes ... ?

It's not up to the father though, is it...Boys and men get zero choice if a woman wants to keep a baby or terminate, it's always under the woman's control- and the father, if a teenager, he probably won't be earning anything as still in education.

His parents legally won't be held responsible for babysitting or costs, either.

Mothers of sons definitely need to warn their sons to ALWAYS use condoms to stop this kind of situation.

I would talk to her and tell her that she is obviously in shock and still so young, but if she doesn't bond with her son now, that when she is older, and more ready to be a mum, she will regret it.

Poor girl might be suffering mentally.

I understand how you must be so upset.

It's obvious if you offered to look after the baby that at 17 she'd be off with a wave and looking for a good time.

The only young women I knew who had a baby so young had no family to rely on, and found it a very long, hard slog, very lonely as well.

You can't ''make'' her look after her baby- if she's unwilling to be a responsible parent, then you will have to step up and take on the role as you don't want him to be adopted {adoptive parents are usually very dedicated}.

I have not read all the posts

My question would be, what is the father of the baby & his family doing to help financially, emotionally, physically ?

The father has walked away, why is he not being made to be responsible?

I had my DD when i had just turned 18 and from the moment she was born my parents made it clear she was my responsibility, i moved out 8 months later im now 35 with a 17 year old and so glad that they gave me that tough love because i look back so proud at the great young mum that made me be as hard as it was i had no choice but to do my best and be my best. So yes tough love is your answer 💛

Get social services involved to help get her set up and ready to be a mum

This sounds hard on everyone. Hopefully it’s just a phase.
please check she is using contraception now especially if she’s going out a lot

I understand lots of people coming on here talking about being mums at 17 - that's fine - of course SOME young women are capable and up for it and able etc - they have the natural character and competence to be a mum at that age and put the baby first

I think this does NOT mean that the other side is also natural - that SOME 17 year olds are simply not ready!

I can't agree with the argumen t- 'some people do it fine - therefore this girl is a lazy selfish mare' - it's obvious people mature at different rates/ are brought up differently/ have different characters.

It's within the bounds of totally normal for a particulary 17 year old to be incompetent in this situation and need a huge amount of support - particularly when the pregnancy was such a shock.

Oh come on. How do you proprose she does that as a single 17 year old solo mum??

actual adults with jobs are finding getting accommodation virtually impossible.

If there's some mother and baby type units, she's going to need some help finding them

I was a teen mom as 17 and my mother never looked after my son. It felt harsh at the time but I am honestly grateful. I grew up and worked hard to give him what he needed. She was supportive financially and with motherly advice but she would never babysit.
My sons gf also had a baby as a teen and I did help out for the first year but that was because I was on maternity leave and had a baby too so it was manageable. They were then able to finish school/college. Once they were able to sort childcare then I just had her occasionally.

I do think you need to give an ultimatum if this isn't what you want. You need to state what you are willing to do and what you aren't. If she suddenly leaves baby with you tell her you will have no choice but to call social services. Because reality is if you weren't there what would she do? She cannot just assume you are willing to step in.

I am jumping back on to say I am absolutely appalled at how fast people are to suggest adoption!

Adoption is always a tragedy. Yes, in some cases it might be the best out of a bad set of options, and the only way to give a child a decent life, but it is still a tragedy. I say that as an adoptee myself, and in full knowledge of what being separated from your biological family does to you, and all the attachment issues it creates over an entire lifetime.

The mother needs support, she may need a more phased entry into motherhood.

Adoption is a last resort. Yes, it's hard on the OP, and my heart goes out to her, as it does to her daughter who is barely an adult and had only 7 weeks to come to terms with having a baby.

My first thought was to tell her you’re putting him up for adoption, but I doubt you would really want to ,
she needs a wake up call !