DD leaving her baby with me

I think my main priority at this stage would make sure the baby is MASSIVELY MASSIVELY loved ❤️

everything else will work itself out .. one way or another ..

My youngest is 17 this year. I’m 57 this year. I would support them with a baby but I’m afraid id make it perfectly clear that the primary responsibility is theirs. I’m knackered, I’m all over parenting and, frankly, want to spend a bit of time on my job, on exercise and on my health. I’ve got bugger all pension and a limited time to make one up.

Have you considered councilling for her, and also maybe for yourself? If your dd only found out she was pregnant 7 weeks before giving birth that's no time for adjustment that your life has changed for ever. No time to consider if she was ready or wanted the baby. No time to talk it through or think about what it means.

She needs to talk about what it is she wants and or needs to get her head around what's happened to her.

Someone has to put the needs of this baby first. It sounds like that isn't where your daughter is atm. Understandable perhaps but the problem is the baby's attachments. How is she with the baby when she is with him? Does she play and interact well or is she withdrawn and irritated? Imo going out while you babysit is a lesser problem than the daily interactions. And what will she do for childcare going forward?

If she isn't interested, you need to decide whether to parent this baby yourself. Plenty of grandparents do. But others don't.

But I think you need to look realistically at what is going on and decide on a strategy for the next 18 years.

I have 2 adopted children. They were passed around like parcels as babies as birth mum didn't really want them and they will never recover from what it did to their attachments.

please Contact social services. They will know the best ways to support and encourage your DD.
it is awful that she technically abandons her baby son for a night out, and absolutely dreadful that while away from him she ignores all calls! What if he was taken sick and was taken into hospital? Where do you stand legally with that? Can doctors treat him without Mother’s say-so?
You need to nip this in the bud though, next she’ll be jetting off somewhere without telling you and leaving baby in your care for
a week without telling you.

It sounds as if your daughter might be in shock and possibly suffering with PND. To find out you are pregnant 7 weeks before birth and effectively have no choice about what to do with the baby (ie choosing to terminate) must have been really quite scary for her, especially because the dad wants nothing to do with them.

I think it’s a good idea to contact SS and see if they can give her some mental health support. She may need someone other than her mum to talk to her. If she had found out earlier there would have been lots of support in place to help her prepare for having a baby and what to expect. Finding out that late obviously didn’t give her time to wrap her head around the massive changes and responsibilities she now has.

In the meantime you will most likely need to carry on looking after your grandchild as I doubt she will change overnight, but hopefully once she can get some external support things will improve. If they don’t improve, it’s going to have to be a difficult decision for you as to whether you want to raise another child or whether telling your daughter to put the baby up for adoption would be the better option. The priority should always be the well-being of the child, even if that means you loose out as a grandparent.

Speak to health visitors see if they can help and sit her down and explain you don't mind her seeing her friends but the baby is hers. They need her.

@SaveMeFromMyBoobs OP and her other DD were supporting with the baby, it's all in the opening post. All OP has asked for is that she be asked when she is meant to be looking after the baby in advance so she retains her own social life. Co-parenting does mean communicating and respecting the other person.

Ultimately looking after a baby requires personal sacrifice of time, sleep and energy , be that from one, two or more people. Everyone needs to know if DD will step up to the plate as if she doesn't then baby becomes OPs responsibility, and she's allowed to want to make a conscious decision if she takes that in or not.

She doesn't need a Saturday night babysitter. She needs a coparent. Her ex has fucked off. Most of the people diving on OPs daughter (and likely OP themselves) had a partner when they gave birth that shared childcare, planned the baby, and had a one heck of a lot more time than 7 weeks to come to terms with it.

OP doesn't have to do it if she doesn't want to of course. But if OP washes her hands and says 'you're on your own' the daughter either isn't going to do it and social services will get involved and baby end up in care or she will do it against her will and her mental health will take a big hit.

This baby is only 2-3 months old. At this point my DH was doing shifts with me. I would go to bed at 8pm and he would keep baby until 1/2am apart from a 10pm feed to let me get some sleep as my baby woke every 20 min. If I'd had no help bar Saturday 7-7 I'd have been in a very very dark place. And I'm someone that chose to become a parent, in my 30s.

Agree. Come to an agreement on timetable.

i understand she's only 19 and doesn't want to miss out things in her life but letting you do all the heavy weightlifting is very immature. It's a perfect timing to teach her to be a responsible parent when things just getting started, Unless you are willing to take care of DGS as your new baby who you will be caring him 24/7, otherwise, setting things straight as early as possible will be the way to go.

Another possibly will be hiring some baby sitters, your daughter will contribute a pot of money into an account. Whenever she suddenly goes out unplanned, you will contact the emergency baby sitter and free both of your time. Some money will be spent unfortunately but If there is zero consequence, she is likely to do it again and again and piling up frustrations between you two.

Just a thought, do you have any concerns that she wouldn't look after the baby, or would go out and leave him, if you weren't home?

If you know she wouldn't leave him and he'd be OK, then on a night you think she may be going out without telling you, I'd be tempted to just get up and go out like she does and get home late.

She will then realise he's her responsibility and she needs to sort child care arrangements etc in advance!

You need to have an honest and open conversation.

Maybe come to an agreement, ie you will have the baby every Saturday night from 7pm until 7am the next morning (unless you have your own plans). Outside of that time it's down to your daughter to sort things out!

If she doesn't stick to it then you shouldn't either!

@CustardCreamsfortea

"She only found out that she was pregnant 7 weeks before dgs was born. "

I think this is very important. She's had no time at all to think things through, and to get her head around the fact that she's a mother now. Have a look for some parenting support charities in the area, she needs to do some parenting classes and probably needs some counselling to help her deal with this huge, sudden responsibility and the changes it brings.

As for the baby's dad, can you contact him or his family. It's completely unacceptable that he thinks he can just walk away and leave her (and you) literally holding the baby. He's 50% responsible for conception, and needs to step up and take responsibility for the consequences of his actions, even if it's just financial maintenance and visits to see grandparents. You are not this baby's only family.

Why would you expect OP to have ‘plans’ regarding the birth of her daughter’s child? She isn’t the other parent. Her daughter is taking massive advantage and the status quo isn’t helping her or her DD; it may be helping her DGS but it isn’t OP’s responsibility and she has a right to a life of her own at this stage in her life. Some serious straight talking and consequences need to be laid out now.

I so agree with that and it's not difficult to imagine that because OP has shown willing to care for DGS on several occasions, DD now sees this as something to be exploited as and when she wants to forget/ignore she's a Mum, and just wants to be what she actually is, a 17 year old teenager! 🙄
Both of them need to give serious thought to what they really want going forward and most of all, they need to talk about it!
The baby deserves more than to be brought up by two resentful women or eventually there will be three unhappy people in that house! 😪

It's so easy to blame the teen mother.

Would you consider it possible that a boyfriend who was happy to have sex but abandoned the resulting baby and the baby's mother was also the kind of teenage boy who pressed the DD to have sex without a condom?

Recent news reports have focused on the amount of porn young boys are consuming from a very formative age, and the effects of that on their sense of entitlement to sex and their expectations of how it will be conducted (i.e. on their terms) and with no regard at all to concerns about pregnancy.

Oh dear I really feel for you and your daughter.
i don’t see how she didn’t know she was pregnant? Maybe she did and completely mentally blocked it out ?
She needs support from you , but as a granny not a substitute mum.
Contact Social Services and children’s services to be signposted to all the help that could be available .
I would see if you can get the fathers family involved too .
And agree with. PP that if it’s possible you can temporarily remove yourself for a few days ( short holiday because it sounds like you need one ! Or stay with a friend in another city / town )

Agree with the social worker who posted- good to get them involved sooner rather than later.

If she is going out all the time, where is she getting the money from? 8

Presumably unemployed, uneducated, idle... or on the equivalent of maternity leave???? Or should younger/unemployed mothers not be entitled to the same chance to recover from pregnancy and labour that older or employed mothers get?

disinterested, avoidant, irresponsible - all things that could be caused by pnd and could be applied to any woman really struggling.

a partyer, and disprespectful of her mother - a teenager still trying to navigate a really difficult stage of life with newfound independence and doing the things her friends would be doing.

It's horrible to suggest that because she's 17 that she's less deserving of support than a 35 yo ceo.

Obviously yes its a less than ideal start, but op has come on here too get genuine advice and guidance not a nasty pile on and her dd ripped to shreds.

Tell her if she wants a life like this she needs to put the child up for adoption, this is not your child and there is no reason why you should have to look after him full time.
Either now or later your daughter will resent him, and very likely you will resent him as well, even if you love him-he deserves better, everyone does.
Clearly the pregnancy was a mistake and your daughter was in denial about being pregnant for months, she doesn't want him, and you both need to face up to that as soon as possible.
Do what is best for the child-a family that loves him is what he needs, and adoption is his best chance of getting that, there is no guarantee she will step up, even if she does it will probably be temporary.
You shouldn't delay the older dgs gets the less likely he is to be adopted.

I know someone whose daughter went in one for a bit before getting her own place and it was quite good as they have curfews and no visitors after a certain time etc. helped them learn responsibility and how to manage a house etc.

Be prepared to be met with horror, @Debtdolly; last time such a thing was mentioned it was considered akin to "putting them in a workhouse", rather than a place where they just might learn to be an adult

From the experiences of friends, the problem with encouraging a reluctant teen to behave as a parent can be that years go by while the real adults kid themselves she's "making progress", and all the time a bewildered child - who's needs should actually matter most - grows older with no understanding of what the hell's going on

And in such circumstances adoption and a fresh start really needn't be the worst option

She's 17, not stupid! She's going to know that her mother can't put her baby up for adoption. You can't just put someone else else's baby even if it's your grandchild, up for adoption😵‍💫🙄

Don't be enabler of this situation unless you are happy with the arrangement. Pick your moment to have a frank discussion about her responsibilities , and if necessary her options. This child is your grandchild so it's not simply threatening her with having the baby into care by social services , if your daughter continues to neglect him. She won't see it as neglect while you are tacitly agreeing to look after her baby so be open and honest about the limited times you wiling to childmind and how much notice you want.

How much support are you going to give and for how long and are you going to let them live with you indefinitely? . What are your daughter's prospects of supporting herself and her child? Can she work or is she in education? Has she got advice about any benefits and housing. What does the child support agency say about the father's responsibilities as even if he isn't earning now he will be in the future.. Find a teen parent support group in your area and take your daughter and child along. Encourage her to meet other young parents, rather than trying to socialise with her child free friends all the time.

I think people are being harsh to the daughter here. Most people plan babies, decide if they want to have then even if they are unplanned. Have 9 months to come to terms with it. She didn't have any choice, with less than 2 months to prepare. While her ex got to swan off into the sunset.

Very well established women in their 40s that have chosen to go it alone struggle with single motherhood. Even with my partner being very involved there was times I was on my knees.

OP is willing to be a babysitter, but this baby is missing a parent, her very young daughter is missing a partner in this and perhaps had she known earlier wouldn't have gone through with the pregnancy.

Simply she may not be ready for the responsibility of single motherhood. OP can read her the riot act all she wants, but you're asking her to be a lone parent at 17 alongside study and trying to build her own life. Everything is stacked against her. OP may have to choose to step up more to make sure this baby is cared for and daughter supported, or accept that the baby may need to go to someone else who is in a position to take care of it.