DD leaving her baby with me

SHE IS SEVENTEEN

She’s 17. She’s gone through an unplanned pregnancy with just 7 weeks to get her head around the fact she’d be a mum, and also went through a breakup; remember how devastating those are at 17 without the added pregnancy/baby stuff on top of it?

That’s a lot of really traumatic stuff. Yes, she absolutely has to step up here and be a mum, but maternal bond and instinct isn’t a switch that’s flipped the moment the baby comes out.

I’d encourage her to look for therapy. Both for her to understand her own feeling about the past few months, but also to help her see the reality of her situation and understand the impact of her actions on her baby and family.

Best of luck, OP, it sounds like a really stressful situation for all of you.

This is not a viable situation. Your DD is assuming that she can live at home and that you will be the default parent to her child whilst she gets on with being a carefree 17 year old. She is basically behaving as though she has a baby brother.

Well that simply is not how it is or can be.

You need to spell it out to her - either she steps up and parents her own child or she will have to move out and manage on her own with her baby. No ifs, no buts, no middle way.

Tell her you are happy to contact social services to get their advice on sources of support for teenage Mums, but that you are not going to allow the current situation to continue.

Was she in school or college when she had him? Their pastoral may be able to signpost to appropriate support.

She needs to get her own place and find some responsibility.

There must be some charities who specialise in working with young parents, who could offer her more support. It sounds as though she's had a shock, and isn't coping with the reality of such an upheaval. Understandably! Really tough for you too OP.

It sounds like some counselling for her, and you and her perhaps as well, might be a good idea.

Do you know who HV is to make contact to see what support available.
I think you need to be frank either her about what your involvement is. You’ll babysit if pre arranged but he’s her baby. If she walks off without arranging a sitter and doesn’t answer phone she’s neglecting him.
She may feel by not giving him up at birth to adoption she’s all out of options.
If she doesn’t want to be a parent then that option is still there to her. Even voicing that may reassure her she’s not trapped.

She's still a child and only had a few weeks to process the fact that she was having a baby. Give her time and support. Her whole world has changed.

Is had a very big shock finding out pregnant at 17 and then boom 7 weeks later, baby.

Could she possibly have post natal depression?

Contact social services and they will be able to advise and help

This is no longer a parenting issue. This is about what is best for that baby. She's clearly not ready to be a mum. So either you step up and be mum or she acknowledges her baby needs to be with an approved adoptive family. And please be honest with SS about her behaviour. Do not let her move out with the baby.

She needs to have somewhere to live that is supportive, but that also expects her to live up to her responsibilities. Sadly that isn’t going to happen while she lives under your roof. You need to contact child services locally and see if any suitable places exist in your area.

There's steps I would personally take. For example telling her you will only care for the baby between x and y 3 times a week - and its her responsibility to arrange paid childcare at all other times. Find the details of a local childcare professional and tell her the price per hour.
You could book a holiday away for a few weeks and she'll have tp deal with it
You are her safety net - she knows you won't let the baby come to harm.

Agreed.

I think if a serious sit down and chat re: her life changing permanently now and 3am clubbing isn’t on.

she is probably in shock both due to find out late and the fact she is so young and it’s such a responsibility.

it might also be worth finding some baby groups and helping her make friends who are mothers vs standard teenagers

Concurrent to that I would contact SS and see how they can help.

JFC therapy time for you all OP.
She needs to work out what she wants that doesn't include you being the default parent.

Family therapy. And counselling for her individually too.

If you want to take control then it needs to be done legally.

Adoption may well be the best outcome for both mother and baby in this situation. Has your DD considered that as an option? Or was she just expecting you to co-parent with her not taking into account your own wishes and responsibilities?

And remember legally mum is also a child and therefore children's services will need to assess her as such.

Genius advice above.

Social worker here - it would be appropriate to contact children's services, it isn't ok and could potentially become more difficult, particularly if she retreats further from her child and the relationship between you sours.
It would be far better to do some work together now than leave it to become a crisis. Baby won't be removed, it is an opportunity for someone to talk to mum about her mental health and wellbeing and your realistic ability to care for GC and reach an agreement together. There's a lot of space between right now and mum saying she can't care for baby but if that were to happen you will need the support of a social worker to get the ball rolling with court application for you if that is what you wanted.

Social services generally know what groups, support and services are out there. Ime they are better than the GP at knowing what services and groups etc someone can find.

🤯

This made me laugh and now I feel like an awful person.

Thanks.

How incredibly insensitive and short sighted. I hope you are simply having a bad day and not usually like this.

She is 17 and doesn't want to be a Mum by the sounds of it and while she has you she doesn't have to. Unfortunately the father DOES have the option and has taken it
Your options are limited OP, you need to get very tough and hope it works but I don't think it will so you may have to parent the baby yourself OR it will go into care

This is really difficult. Ultimately she is not ready to be a mum like most 17 year olds. I think you need to decide if you're happy to raise another child. The poster suggesting adoption may have been a little blunt but realistically it is an option if you are not wanting to. I sympathise, I wouldn't want to raise another child either.