DD leaving her baby with me

I know the 'put him up for adoption' thing seems awfully harsh, and you said that wouldn't be happening, but have you truly considered that it may mean you becoming the baby's parent? Is this what you want from life?

Adoption is not necessarily a terrible thing. It could be what's best for everyone if mum wouldn't cope otherwise.

If you're happy to take the baby on if needed, then you may well be able to muddle along.

Why is she allowed to be out all night? I have a DD the same age and we have a curfew. Sounds like she needs some boundaries all round, particularly because she now has bigger responsibilities than most 17 year-olds.

And considering the OP can't make her own daughter step up I'm not sure how she is supposed to make the father do anything.

I had my first baby a week after my 18th birthday. My mother lived an hour away, I lived in a nice flat with the father. There is no "of course" about wanting to go out, I was very close in age and loved being a mother and I had to go back to work earlier than I would have liked so time with my baby was precious. It never occurred to me or my mother that she would have to coparent my child. You are making some big assumptions.

This young woman isn't stepping up, maybe she just doesn't want to but there is no reason why the OP should have known this would happen.

She is neglecting her child. She does not arrange childcare and she is not contactable when away from him. I think you do need to speak with either her health visitor or social services and ask to be signposted to organisations that can help.

Look at it this way, if parents don't turn up to collect their child from school and are uncontactable, what do you think the school staff do. They don't leave the child alone and they don't take the child home with them, they call the police or SS so that authorities can check on the situation and help improve it.

It's not though. Nobody can make him do anything, and his parents have absolutely no obligations here.

Jesus Christ, you can't say that!
I very rarely gasp out loud at MN (usually an inner eye roll) but this is a shocking thing to say!

You're joking aren't you?

People can't force grown men to be parents but you think with your aggressive attitude you'll force not only a 17 year old boy, but his family too? Good luck with that.

Surely it's a better alternative to being neglected by his 'mother'.

JFC where the actual is the so called father in all this?
Not a hope id be leaving him off, and his parents.
This is also their problem to solve whether he likes it or not.
Your poor dd, whether she hid it or not, its a huge shock to her god love her. But there is a child her and his best interests need to be served, but also so do the 17 yr olds.
But not a hope in hell wld i let that little shitbag off without a fight, him or his parents.

If you went out for an appointment and she wanted to go out too are you confident she wouldn't just go anyway and leave baby alone?

Is there a trusted family friend, auntie who could speak to her.
My other thought is has she got her contraception sorted now? Staying out late, I’d be wanting her to make sure she was covered to avoid another unwanted pregnancy.

The only people I know in this situation, daughter left home with baby, SS got involved and Grandmother ended up adopting the child. Mother visits more now the child is much older, primary school age.

If the baby is potentially not safe, you need to contact social services for support.

Make sure she using contraception otherwise she could end up with another.
Aren't the baby's family interested, the other grandparents etc.
Sad situation that could have easily been prevented...

So what? She's made her bed and she needs to lie in it instead of trying to push everything off onto her mother. The reality is that she has a baby and she can't just go out and disappear now.

You need to contact SS.

Your DD has been lucky you've been in the house each time she's walked out without the baby, but what if you weren't and neither of you realised the baby was left alone.

Does the family of the father know? Is he paying any maintenance? Can they offer any childcare?

100%. I had my first at 17 with no support from the dad but It was different as I made the choice to have my baby from the start and also had 9 months to prepare and get my head round that I wouldn’t be able to do things that my friends were doing. My mum made it clear I needed to move out to have my own space for me and baby. I was happy with this. I would contact social services for some help but I doubt they will do much.

I think you should sit her down and speak to her. She needs to understand that this is her baby and not yours. I’m guessing you don’t mind helping her when you can but she needs to be doing 90% or more of the childcare. Do you think she’s struggling to bond with the baby so avoiding spending time with him? Postpartum depression could be a factor.

Is the baby always going to be safe? As in, if you go out and she wants to go out with her friends, what does she do? When she is on her own with the baby, does she look after him properly? If you can’t get hold of her and she is out all night, what if you have to go to work or do something important?

She is obviously relying on you to always be there but I am wondering if something could happen when you are not around. She is not acting like she is responsible for her baby.

I know someone who had a baby at 17 and they really struggled and carried on with their social life, almost ‘forgetting’/in denial that they had a baby.

( whispers - Or the third option is adoption, if she’s not prepared to be a mum.)

I worry that if she moves out, the baby won’t be looked after, and she’ll still go clubbing. Or she won’t be able to look after herself and the baby. She’s not stepping up as an adult so I’m not sure moving out will instantly change this (unless in supported accomadation fur new young mums).

I agree, you have to be clear and stick to it. Your daughter is fortunate that you babysit and she should not take advantage, however it's natural she wants to go out, she is only seventeen.

Put a planner up on the wall and any arrangements you make go on there. If there are none you can be flexible but she too has to be flexible.

I'm pretty sure it will all work out, op, you sound like a lovely mum/grandma.

So? Women have become mothers in their teenage years for millennia. It's nothing new.

Your daughter needs a mix of tough love and a lot of support, OP. There must be some charities or similar that can work with her. DGS is her son, not yours.

Do you have any contact with the father or his family at all? If my son abandoned his child he would never hear the end of it.

Edited to add: I quoted the wrong post. It was another one about her being a young mother.

Far better put than the stark 'Put him up for adoption' but exactly the same sentiment and I totally agree. Trouble is, do you, OP, want this?

The simplest strategy for now is to stop being available. If she’s simply going out and not coming back then I assume you were looking after the baby when she left, so stop doing that. When she says she’s going out, pass her the baby and ask if she needs help getting a bag sorted for him. Don’t be the dependable live in baby sitter.

Don’t get me wrong I can’t imagine how difficult it must be to face that kind of life change at 17- I’m in my 20’s with a 10 month old and even I found it a huge change, but she does need to face that change head on.

I’m fairly sure she knew more than seven weeks before the baby was due! Maybe that’s when she told you.

I guess it’s a big shock to her. Had she admitted to the pregnancy earlier, maybe she could have prepared better.

it sounds like you’ve already had chats about responsibility, and she’s not listening.