DD leaving her baby with me

Kinda hard to not know you’re pregnant until 7+ months along. Are you sure she didn’t know earlier and just bury her head? Guess it’s irrelevant now.

If father isn’t showing any interest what about his parents? Do they know they have a grandchild and their son is refusing to have anything to do with him? Have they been given the opportunity to be involved?

Baby aside, why is a 17 year old going out and not coming back until early hours of the next day, ignoring all contact? She’s still a child.

You need to have some serious discussions with DD, reach out to SS for support and you need to consider (if things don’t get better) whether you are willing and able to raise him because your answer to that may determine what you do next.

I think the OP is being rather naive about all of this. If she doesn't want to end up raising the baby herself (and who the fuck can blame her) then I really do think adoption should at least be discussed. The 17 year old is basically a child herself who didn't know she was pregnant until the 11th hour. Of course she wants to do what her mates are doing and, with her own mum in situ, she's unlikely to "see the light" any time soon. I think the OP will be fighting a losing battle with this one and I can pretty much predict her future.

This.

Some of the other responses are deranged.

my dd is the same age. It would be a horrific shock to have a baby. The baby is still so young. She must not know what’s hit her and is going out for some escape/sanity. She’ll need a massive amount of help and it’ll need to come from you.

I do sympathise OP.
Firstly your daughter has had a surprise baby whilst still a child. Her life has been upended and psychologically she seems unready. She needs contraception advice if this hasn’t happened already. What has happened to her education? Ideally she should go back to her education with you picking up the slack if you can. Some sort of shared care between you is ideal for the next few years but as you say she needs to understand the boundaries. At the same time, she needs to be able to live and have experience like her friends. I think you do need outside help. Social Services is a good place to start.
Presumably she isn’t breast feeding? I suppose I would be concerned that she is not bonding properly with her baby, so yes some sort of intervention would be useful .

How bloody grim it is today.
All because people want to shag around.

What is 'insensitive' about the suggestion of adoption? If the OP's DD is not, like many 17 year olds, willing to raise this child herself, and the OP isn't in a position to, then adoption is certainly an option that should be looked at for the welfare of the child. Yes, outcomes are generally better when the child remains within the birth family, but this baby has a mother who is still an irresponsible child herself, and who is dumping him on his grandmother, who has her own life that may not be able to encompass looking after a newborn. This, bluntly, is not an optimal environment for a baby.

Adoption is absolutely something to be discussed.

Where is she going when she goes out do you give her the money ?
How is she financially looking after her child ?
Do you want to be the parent of your grandchild as it sounds like your Dd expects you to be you need some boundaries putting in place and she needs to step up and get her priorities right

Why on earth not? Does the baby not deserve a loving home? I have friends who have adopted babies in similar circumstances and they are giving the children a wonderful life. Far better than being brought up by a mother who doesn't want them, or a grandmother who feels obliged. Don't be so quick to judge.

What about the "waster" woman?

She may be a Mum but she's acting like a child - where is she getting the money for all this going out? If it's from you, cut it off. Play her at her own game, and leave the house before her.

Who looks after the baby generally, are you/wider family taking over, offering constant advice or criticism resulting in her failing to bond with baby and feeling she isn't good enough? From personal experience little digs like oh, that top doesn't match the trousers when you're changing the baby for the 5th time that day can really dent your confidence when you're living in a 3 generation household.

This is an incredibly hard situation for all of you, not least the baby.

You daughter is now a mother, but also she is still a child herself - and from what I have read, is still acting like a stroppy teenager. I'm not saying this is right, but I do think it needs to be taken into account when figuring out how to deal with it.
As she ignored the pregnancy for 7 months, put her head in the sand hoping it would go away no doubt, I can imagine that she still has not comes to terms with it.
Yes she has a baby, she knows that fact - but I can imagine that she hasn't psychologically dealt with it. While I don't think throwing her and the baby out is the right thing, and I'm sure you don't want to do that, you do need to get a bit stricter on her.
Is there some kind of family therapy / counselling that you could all attend together?

Get her own place lol.
How easy is that at 17 with no money, oh wait a minute expect the council to help.🙄

Ultimately its the baby best interested that need to be looked at and although it might be shocking - it's far better for the baby to be in a stable home.

She is 17, didn't know she was pregnant, then had a baby a few weeks after she knew. She must be in an awful amount of shock.

OP I agree with others who've said to maybe ask social services what support there is for young mothers. It's possible that because she and the baby live with you, she has fallen off their radar. Also is there a Home Start near you?

www.home-start.org.uk/find-your-nearest-home-start

This is a tough one. I think you need to have an open and honest conversation with your daughter regarding her willingness to parent her child. And you need to consider, if she is unwilling/unable to parent her child, if you are willing to. The options:
1/ She parents her child and asks for your time responsibly in advance
2/ She is unwilling/unable to parent her child and rather than see the child be taken into care, you are willing to take over the task
3/ She is unwilling / unable to parent her child, you are not willing to give up your later life to do so, so an alternative carer must be found.
The idea of her child going into care might shock her into actually parenting. Be clear that if she is unwilling to parent her child and you take over, you will do so officially and take over parental responsibility (if you are willing). She may jump at the chance or again, it might shock her into parenthood. At least then you will have the say on what does or does not happen re your grandchild that you are the primary carer for.
The child deserves a carer who is willing and able to do the task. If that cannot be your daughter then it cannot. I put no blame on that statement.
If she chooses 1/ to parent her child but then f off partying leaving the child with you without pre-arrangement, then yes I would indeed call SS saying she is abandoning the child as initial steps towards options 2 or 3. Her child deserves no less.

It's harshly put but is a valid option. If his mother can't/won't care for him what should happen? Hopefully she will step up but if not all options need to be discussed.

Its not aggressiv and Im right.
These waster men need to be made to stepup.

My cousin is a child from this sort of background—her biological mother was a teen, couldn’t cope, and gave her up for adoption when she was a few months old. My auntie had a hysterectomy, so couldn’t have babies of her own, and she and my uncle raised her well—my cousin is now a doctor and has 3 babies of her own.

Definitely contact the children's services at your local council social services. You need to ensure that this child gets better start in life than she is giving him. If you don't want to take on the responsibility yourself possibly for the entire childhood then you need to get some professional input into this situation.

He does need a secure home, maybe the OP is willing to be the parent figure in his life but if she doesn't want that what do you think should happen?

I have a friend who fosters children, she fostered a teenager who was pregnant and supported her through the pregnancy, the birth and the early days with baby. The young mother was quite clear with social services that she didn't want to be a mother. The agreement was my friend was her foster mother, she'd care for the baby when the mother was at school but she was not looking after baby when mum was home from school. Well she sneaked out, she was underage and she was drinking and having sex with boys but no one could stop her.

Two years later she aged out of foster care, the first thing she did was hand the baby over for adoption. The foster mother was offered him (poor child like an unwanted parcel) but she felt she was too old so a family was found for him. He was so traumatised that social services paid the foster mother to have him for a few hours two or three times a week so everyone didn't just disappear from his life overnight.

That child would have been so much better off if he'd been adopted the first time his mother said that was what she wanted. I hope he's doing well, he will be a teenager himself by now.

I was a little older at 19 when I had my first and had to move back home with a 6 month old due to relationship breakdown.

Mum and Dad used to babysit 1 night over the weekend, and 1 night in the week as long as baby was asleep before I went out.

I think you need to make clear boundaries of what you are willing to do and the fact she absolutely needs to step up. She has to take responsibility. Discuss options if that isn't what she wants i.e adoption, but I can guarantee that's not a route she wants to go down but you kind of need to show her your serious.

She needs to know that you will not be there to do everything, but will be there to support her.

Not telling you or not answering calls is just disrespectful.

I know its a lot, and she's young and didn't have a lot of time to prepare but she now has to deal with the consequence's of her actions.

Do you know the Dad's family? Would it be worth trying to get in contact with them, after all your DD didn't make that baby by herself.

This is incredibly dangerous - what if you haven't realised that your dd has gone out, then the baby would be left home alone if you went out - obviuosly it'd not be your fault

Your dd needs to realise she is responsible for another human and can't just up and leave. If this is not what she wants then sitting down and talking about different options in a calm way would be the way to go

I do think all options inc adoption should be open to be discussed.
Shes 17. She’s said she’s keeping him but has now realised how it is. Her own mum is saying he’s not being adopted. She must feel very boxed in. No decisions made in shock at 17 are irreversible.
Suppose actually that’s what she wants, to not be a mum and walk away like dad has. Who could she say that to.
Instead she’s neglecting him hoping he’ll be taken off her is one way of looking at her actions.

I just wouldn't do it. She needs to leave your home and take responsibility for herself and her child. lf.if she can't do that then the baby should be adopted. Otherwise you will be bringing up this child for the next 18 years.

There are two children involved in this.

Your baby grandson, and your 17 year old daughter.

Please remember that they are both actually children.

Your daughter is navigating something that she is way too young for.

I would contact social services, not from a position of 'putting him up for adoption', but because you need help to support both of these children in the best possible way, and you can't do it all alone.

Just call and ask what support is available for teenage parents.