DD leaving her baby with me

Op has clearly been very supportive but I do think she needs to speak to someone a little more removed and/or a professional asap.
I’m thinking of someone I knew years ago ago who said she only found out pg later on 6 ish months. Her mum was very supportive - we don’t give babies away in this family (I vividly remember her saying that), bought lots of stuff from mother care, her nana got her a pram and cot. I was young and can remember feeling sorry for her, she was truly boxed in. There was no way she could have said to her family actually this isn’t for me I don’t want to parent. Instead her mum pretty much unofficially raised baby.

He's not being "put up for adoption" 🙄

Because you want him still as your grandson?

I really feel for your dd because she didn't plan this, didn't (apparently) find out until it was too late to make other decisions or choices.

So did she choose to go ahead with keeping her baby with support?

She has had a big major thing thrown into her life, and she is not yet 18, not an adult, so you are parent to her and all that she brings to your door.

Did she have a clear understanding of what parenthood would mean? It's a big thing for a 17 year old not to go out etc.

I do think talking to her very seriously is necessary, and irrespective of your own feelings about your Dgs ask her whether she might re-think adoption - she needs to understand that choosing to take responsibility for being a parent means just that, taking responsibility. If she feels she can't do that at this stage in her life, then there is no blame in saying so. In many ways it would be a brave decision. If she does not want to take adequate responsibility, AND you are unwilling or unable to pick up the gap in the level of responsibility she is prepared to show .

Maybe a clear timetable and agreed number of evenings?

If she is adamant that adoption is not an option then she needs to stick to her resolve and make proper arrangements for her less frequent nights out!

Sometimes the truth sucks doesn’t it?

The way you put it was unnecessarily crude and horrible. Probably why your post got deleted.

You need to stop being so gentle. She very likely had more than seven weeks notice on this. It’s incredibly rare for a woman to continue to menstruate through a pregnancy. She likely chose to ignore it because she was scared.

now she is ignoring the fact that her childhood is over. So are you. Your babysitting time should be facilitating her essential activities not clubbing.

she needs to make an honest assessment on her commitment to motherhood. If she isn’t going to step up, then her childhood deserves to have a parent who is going to do the job. The child deserves to be forming attachments to a parent who will be there doing the work.

I would talk to her and if she disappears again I would call social services. She needs help. Therapy would be ideal, but with an unexpected baby in the household, paying for quick access may be difficult.

This. Contact social care.

Nope it’s the truth. She needs to grow up and live with the consequences. Plenty of people have a baby by accident 17 and younger but don’t behave like OPs daughter. They appreciate the support from their own parents and try to raise the accident baby as best they can. She is lucky she has such a supportive mother like OP. 17 years old is old enough to understand she is being a brat. She clearly felt grown up enough to do the deed.

@Fadeintoyou

Obviously OP and her daughter didn't have much time to plan anything.

Yet another ‘oh I want to keep the baby’ oh her body her choice and yet when reality hits ‘mother’ wants to behave like a selfish spoilt child.
Social services need to be involved. She is way too immature to be a mother and is clueless of she thinks you should be bringing HER child up.
Not a dig on you OP. Sorry but old enough to have sex, old enough to sort your contraception and deal with the consequences.
What a disgrace to the young mothers who actually turn it round and do a really good job

It must have been such a shock to you all.
I would continue to give lots of support but have honest up front conversations about how much child care you can give and how much notice she needs to give etc.
Her head must be all over the place with such a massive unplanned life change at such a young age. Watch out for postnatal depression.
Encourage her to assess her health visitor for support services or if necessary social services.

As you said she left college, is she at home during the day with the baby, everyday?
Is she providing good, safe care for him when she is with him?

If she looks after him well, but is craving space I would look in to some college courses that she could potentially pick up now and not just wait for September, which is a long time away really. If you approach your local college, they may be able to work with you to offer her something now. It's not uncommon for mid year starts depending on the course.

Childcare can either come from family or she will be entitled to free childcare until she is 19. The government scheme for this is care to learn.

As another poster suggested, you could organise a set evening or two a week where you will babysit him in the evening.

Providing structured child free time and a way for her to be around other teens like at college may make some positive differences if she is otherwise a good mum and keen to keep and raise her baby.

She definitely needs form boundaries about not leaving him without prior arrangement and a sturdy contraceptive.

Contact the HV for any groups/support aimed at young parents.

If she just isn't interested in her baby or wanting to raise him at all, then there may be some more serious conversations to be had about what the future holds.

I had my daughter when I was 16 (was pregnant at 15). But I had nine months to prepare mentally and was very stubborn about caring for her myself. However, my mum was an amazing support in that she took care of the housework so that my only real 'job' in the house was my baby and encouraged me to continue with GCSEs, 6th form, Uni etc. with my peers. Having child free time even just to attend 6th form really kept me in touch with friends of my own age, even if I couldn't go out in the evenings with them it. I moved out with my daughter when I started university. We're very close and she's a young adult now, she is also incredibly close to her grandma.

Wishing you all the best OP.

Horrible comment - ugh.

No you can't but you also can't expect another person to be a mother to your baby. I wonder how many posters would be advocating this if the girl lived with her father and not her mother.

I don't agree with. OP is not a live in baby sitter. Most 17 years do not behave in this manner. Whilst the OP is a young mum, she is not a 12 or thirteen year old. A lot of 17 year old parents are out on their own looking after their. Perhaps, she is suffering from postpartum.

Very sorry you were kicked out of the family home at 16.

I could never have done that to my own daughter in teenage years.

I'd be more concerned about her getting pregnant again. She's doesn't sound mature at all. Is she keeping on top of contraception?

Great advice from @TheQuietestSpace!

Much better than the 5 stupid words from the first poster who responded.

At 17 I'm afraid I would be expecting her to behave pretty immaturely and selfishly and for me to picking up the considerable slack.

My own daughter was still very immature at 17 and only gradually became a sensible, reliable adult.

I'm adopted too! My birth mum was a similar age and couldn't cope ... I've had a great life with great parents.

I would contact social service and get her an appointment with GP to the discuss her mental health. She may be referred to perinatal.

This is a very hard situation for you, @CustardCreamsfortea .

I see ladies like this in work fairly regularly. She is having a huge period of adjustment and some people cope better with that than others.

Various practical things I would do:

1. Set some extremely clear boundaries around baby safety. When you say she leaves him with you, I assume you're meaning that she just gives you very little notice, rather than that she'd actually walk out and leave him. If it's the former, then a firm boundaries conversation needs to happen. If it is the latter, then you need to call SS as (obviously) this isn't safe.

1. Speak to a referrer (mostly likely HV or GP) and ask for a referral to Early Help - they sit just before SS and require parental consent, but will be able to provide support local to you that will help mum. They will likely allocate your daughter a Family Support Worker who will be able to co-ordinate support.

1. Speak to a referrer (most likely HV or GP) and ask for a referral to your local Perinatal Mental Health Team. It doesn't sound like she'd meet their threshold at the moment (they are for women with moderate to severe MH issues), but they should triage and then even if they don't take her on, they can signpost to resources for support. Ask them for a referral to the Infant Mental Health Team - this team supports the mother/baby dyad, teaches parents about the importance of the first 1000days etc, and will provide lots of practical interventions like baby massage, VIG etc to support bond. Depending on the area, she may need to be under another MH team but this is definitely the best team for her circs so try to push that if you can.

1. Contact her HV (if you don't have their details, contact their duty line and go that way), and make them aware of the situation. Ask them to monitor baby's development and also to support mum, they might call these 'listening visits'. HVs are absolutely brilliant but completely snowed under so you will need to be relatively firm in asking for support and being clear why it is needed.

1. Look at community support. Homestart if they're local to you. Google 'young mum support' and your area - there will hopefully be baby groups and support networks, often run by organisations adjacent to Early Help. You need to be encouraging her to get out to something, with baby and without you, ideally every day but definitely every other day. Sitting in the house will kill her bond and enjoyment of him, but going out without him won't help either. Even if she then has time on her own, this needs to come after she's met his needs and bonded etc. Especially as you say she isn't in education or work atm, this is not a year to doss around and I'd be quite firm on that (easier said than done, I know).

1. I'd then try to support her free time with good grace and encouragement - if you can. Try to remove the argument from it so it doesn't become a push/pull situation.

This will get easier, but right now it must be really bloody hard. Thinking of you all. x

The more you do for her the more she will expect you to do. I had a baby at 16 and was kicked out the family home I'm in my twenties now so not the dark ages I learnt how to do everything myself.
I know others who's parents are constantly babysitting and it just encourages them now they expect their parents to babysit pretty much all the time. They'll never learn if you enable them 🤷🏻‍♀️

Im sure you won’t like this, but actually you are a live in babysitter because your 17 year old daughter got pregnant and had a baby. She is legally still a child, mentally too. You are her mother and therefore she is your responsibility to care for her and, through association, this child.

Yes, you’d hope it might have been a one off call to collect her from the local police station after doing something silly rather than an unplanned pregnancy, but the fact remains it is still your job to ‘pick her up from the station’… you are going to have to ‘pick her up’ until she is ready to be the mum the child deserves and until her head is sorted and she can treat herself properly.

you chose to have a child and she has had an ‘accident’ and now you have to help her deal with the consequences. You don’t get to choose what happens to your child but you did sign up to help her. If they’re injured you sign up to push their wheelchair. If they’re not able to live independently you signed up to have them live with you forever. Just by having them, you sign up for the good and bad. Forever, not just while they’re tiny kids. In your daughter’s case, she had a baby as a teen and it IS your job to hold her hand and look after the baby while she’s not coping. This is literally what you signed up for - and this is literally what you are trying to make her recognise. You think she signed up to have a baby (through unprotect sex) and therefore she needs to put her own wants, needs and desires aside to care for him….well then do the same.

Expecting she’s just going to snap into place because she’s had a baby is unrealistic. And yes, you can tell her to move out and be a good mum but the likelihood is she’s going to make stupid mistakes and possibly neglect him, end up in a shitty flat and probably getting a shitty job and boyfriend. Or you can enable her without judgement to come round to this role while she deals with being a child whose friends don’t have any interest in a baby, whose body is changed, whose baby’s dad did a runner, whose hormones are everywhere, whose life has been turned on it’s head and whose family are watching their every move and who might look like she doesn’t give a shit but is actively avoiding her first child - she will never get this time back with him and one day she will regret that.