DD leaving her baby with me

Social services person on here has said they should TALK to SS, in the sense of a conversation, not reported.

OP, you sound as if you are, and have always been, a soft touch, which probably makes you a very lovely person but now you need to really lay down the law or you will end up bringing up this baby, adoption being out of the quesiton.

Honestly… everytime I’ve heard of this situation it’s always inevitably ended up with the nan (you) caring for the baby. She is 17, yes she’s young but perfectly capable of looking after her baby with support, but if she simply just doesn’t want to… that’s a battle.

What a shock for all. The punches keep on coming.
In no particular order @CustardCreamsfortea

Does the father pay maintenance?

Do the other grandparents contribute or visit?
How is dd affording to go out til all hours?
Would you adopt dgs yourself?
Is dd on contraception?
You need to know where dd is 24/7. Will you put a family tracker on her phone? The ignoring your calls and messages is appalling and alarming. I would be terrified of her being with baby and thinking to herself, 'Ah baby is asleep, I'll pop out for a bit.'

Report to social services? For leaving the baby with her grandmother? I'm sorry this is a daft threat. Social services aren't the police. If OP doesn't want to care for her GS then absolutely a call to social services is in order as the baby's parents aren't capable of caring for him but calling them to tattle is ridiculous. What do you think they would do?!

Exactly.
Children having children.
What could go wrong?
😕

definitely agree with a PPs advice to see what groups there are for teen/young parents. When I was a young mum it was invaluable when I found a weekly baby group for young parents. If she can make some friends in a similar situation and create a social life involving doing things and meeting up with babies in tow that would be really beneficial. If all her current friends are typical teens with normal freedom i can imagine that must feel isolating.

I agree at 17 I had to ask as I was a child living under their roof. A very common express in the house at the time. My daughter is only 11 but I would like to think she would respect the rules of our home. Though probably in this situation we would look to take on parental responsibility for grandson so my daughter’s life was not royally screwed and she could travel and go to uni but I wouldn’t want a grand child to be adopted. Good luck OP and to your family a really difficult situation.

God some of you are so grim, luckily the OP sounds more supportive towards her daughter and grandson

Does the actually want to be a parent? Sounds as though she didn't actually choose that if she only found out she was pregnant 7 weeks before she had her baby. She didn't really have many options.

PP saying put him up for adoption was a bit blunt but has it been discussed with your DD?

It's no wonder she wants to be out with her friends, she's still a child herself. I think you probably need to accept that you will be bringing up your DGS, unless adoption is an option.

Can you really not imagine that some teenagers are not as compliant as your daughter? Really?

7 weeks to get used to the idea of a baby when you are just 17 is very hard. Yes she's been irresponsible but she had no choice in whether to keep the baby as she was unaware she was even pregnant. She needs a lot of support-not you having the baby but rather mental health support. You seem to expect her to magically grow up but I don't think it is that simple. I would discuss SS with her or the health visitor and try and get some help for her. You might expect to do a lot if childcare in the interim with a view to her taking over with time. Obviously you don't have to have the baby at all,it is your choice but this is your grandchild and she is your daughter and she's not yet an adult.

Laughing doesn’t make you an awful person, but deciding to post about laughing is questionable.

7 weeks to get used to the idea of a baby when you are just 17 is very hard. Yes she's been irresponsible but she had no choice in whether to keep the baby as she was unaware she was even pregnant. She needs a lot of support-not you having the baby but rather mental health support. You seem to expect her to magically grow up but I don't think it is that simple. I would discuss SS with her or the health visitor and try and get some help for her. You might expect to do a lot if childcare in the interim with a view to her taking over with time. Obviously you don't have to have the baby at all,it is your choice but this is your grandchild and she is your daughter and she's not yet an adult.

Yes I agree I would be so disappointed in my son for this.

Totally agree. Seventeen is really young and whilst we can all say the daughter is at fault, there but for the grace of God...
She needs effective support. Chucking her out won't help.

This is the best answer here.

I was a mum at 16. I needed support and I don't think adoption or kicking me out would have helped. Once I got support I was fine and moved out 18mths later and settled down x

What would you like it to look like?

Sometimes getting professionals in is helpful in terms of people/adult children understanding their responsibilities. She may need some support to come to terms with what has happened to her. Does she have any support from the health visitor? I know that's a lottery! I would actually ring the HV first and share your concerns rather than going straight to children's services.

I suspect it will take her moving out to do that.

Surely at 17, baby or not, you can tell her when she can and can’t go out? I’m curious that she just says she is going out. My eldest doesn’t do that. She asks if she can go and that will continue until she finishes school. If I say no she stays at home.

so when your daughter says she’s going out, surely you just say - no she isn’t?

This might be the reality. Is there any chance you would adopt the baby if it came to it? What a crazy situation but at least the baby has you there. Your DD has to step up but if she doesn't, is that a viable plan B?

I think you forgot to read the OP properly, I can’t think you’d give such patronising advice if you had.

Sounds like a tough situation. I was pregnant at 18 and gave birth just after turning 19. I lived at home but very much parented like any other mum and took it in my stride (although was always grateful whenever famiky happily offered to help). I moved out a year later.

However, I found out about the pregnancy much earlier than your DD so it was an informed decision to carry on with it and have my baby. Being unknowingly pregnant with an unplanned baby then finding out when a) it’s way too late to even explore choices and b) so late on that you’ve suddenly got to adjust to having a baby in a matter of weeks must be really traumatic for a lot of people, let alone a teenager. Then add in the fact the other parent just decides to take zero responsibility and abandon the mum and his unborn child.. I really do feel for your DD. Yes I agree with PPs that she should have been more responsible BUT her whole set of circumstances are still pretty unlucky and it must be so so tough for all of you.

I would speak to her about how she’s feeling, what her plans are for the future and maybe lay down some boundaries about when and how often you will babysit and help out. She still needs to understand that simply leaving and going out isn’t on.

Do you find you’re not often asked for advice? Or do you behave differently on here than you would in real life?

Unless you are willing to adopt the baby then you need to have the conversation that she either accepts her new reality as a mum or she puts child up for adoption.

does she have post natal depression

the father still needs to pay for his kid once he is in a job if still studying himself. It’s not an option to just walk away.

do the paternal grandparents want to be involved with their grandchild as they may be an additional support for childcare

Could you agree on a regular night where you will always babysit and she can always go out? Like every Friday night or something. Then the rest of the time she has to look after her own child.

Good for you.

Im also adopted by an outwardly respectable couple. The male was a functioning alcoholic at the time of the adoption and an outright drunk by my mid teens and the female was an abuser of prescription medication - mainly painkillers but some benzodiazepines thrown in for good measure. I pretty much parented myself from the age of 13 and looked after them too.

Anecdotes (yours or mine) aren’t data but what is indisputable is that if @CustardCreamsfortea does not want an interfamily adoption and encourages her DD to relinquish the child she will have no say in vetting who takes him. And he will also spend around 10 months minimum in foster care (possibly more than one placement) before placed for permanent adoption and she won’t have any say in who they are either. It may be the best option for this poor child but it’s by no means an excellent start in life for him.