DD leaving her baby with me

? The OP isn't the one asking anything of her. She's the one who had sex and has caused her own pregnancy (along with the father). Having a child requires one to be a parent to that child. The only thing OP is asking of her is that she steps up into the position that she has found (put) herself in. She's young, she's proving not mature enough, but she's a mother now and she's going to have to be a mother.

She seems to be under the impression that she will be able to carry on living the life of a carefree teenage girl. She needs a wake up call, though god knows if giving birth didn't do it I don't know what to suggest to the OP.

Yes exactly when he could be adopted into a home where the parents fully want that responsibility. Much better for him long term. Now is such a crucial time. I'm sorry but it’s a blatant truth.

This baby deserves so much more. Don’t forget you can have open adoption

What a disgusting evil comment! I'm sure the poster loves her grandson and would never want to do this plus it's not her choice. The mother is very young and sounds like it was a shock finding out she was pregnant so late in the pregnancy and close to giving birth and might need some support. She could have post natal depression.
I bet you wouldn't be so quick to mention adoption if it was an older married mother.
Thankfully we don't live in the dark ages anymore where we take young unmarried mothers babies off them!

Do you really let your children just walk out at 17 without permission? I certainly didn’t when I was 17. I checked at home was it ok? My mum asked where I was going and who with and what time I’d be back. I never just walked out the door. When I was 18 and at uni sure but not at 17. I’m not saying she didn’t let me out but I sure wasn’t allowed to dictate to my mum when and where I’d be. I’m the same with my children.

She needs to decide whether she wants responsibility for this child moving forwards.

If she does, then she needs to agree with you as to what amounts to a "reasonable amount" of support from you.

If she doesn't, then you need to decide whether you're prepared to take on all responsibility yourself. As in, you don't make your own plans, you don't expect her to give you warning if she's going out etc.

If neither one of you is willing to take full responsibility (I'm not saying that you shouldn't share day to day care to an extent, but I'm talking about being the "default carer" who is assumed to be with the baby unless otherwise arranged) then I can imagine this resentment is only going to grow.

She must be incredibly stressed and frightened by the real implications here.

Do you think you are asking the impossible of her and she is retreating because of this?

I mean how many 17. years olds are mentally ready to give up their lives for a baby? Could you commit to doing most of the care for the first year? If she agrees to step up as well?

I think nursery is free for teenage mums who want to continue education at college or school

OP you have to be realistic and accept that she’s not ready to be a parent, and may not be for years. If you have stern words with her and lay down boundaries, that’ll force her to step up, but she’ll probably be awful at it. Because she doesn’t want to do it. We all know what a slog parenting is, and if your heart’s not in it, you won’t do it well. Then you’ll have to stand by and watch your beloved grandchild be raised by someone who doesn’t want to be doing it. I think you have to adopt the baby yourself, and accept that you’re going to be the parent.

I think, realistically, you’re going to have to really carefully consider if you’re willing to become the guardian and parental figure for your grandson because your daughter is clearly unwilling. You need to make this legal and formal.
It’s unfair on him to live in a household where neither adult wants that responsibility.
Contact social services.

If she’s sneaking out then baby is potentially at risk. Op thinks daughter and baby in her room asleep. Op goes out and lo and behold baby home alone. Daughter just assumes mum will be there but presumably Op has her own life and work.
There was that awful case a couple of years ago where teen mum left baby alone to celebrate her 18th birthday and baby starved to death.

I don't think this is a therapy situation I think it's a maturity one. You can't expect a 17 yr old who had no idea until the final trimester that she was going to have a child. Her reaction sounds entirely normal, to be honest. I have a 17 yr old DD and I wouldn't be surprised if she did exactly the same thing.

So I have read some of this thread but not all of it, apologies if this has been covered. OP if you can become the legal guardian of this grandson, I would do that.

Surely it’s OP that needs support, not her daughter, who is out having fun like a 17 year old!

Probably a bit late to lay down the law.

How are you planning to withdraw babysitting when she leaves him with you without asking and then turns her phone off?

OK I'd begin by setting up a system such as certain days or so much babysitting a week. She won't want to ask every time she wants to go out. Be firm. Is there any free childcare available during the day you could access? Keep a diary of the situation and keep your fingers crossed she bucks up. Also is it possible for her to have a friend over instead?

Obviously in an ideal world she would take her responsibility seriously, but given what's happened I doubt she is capable of that at the moment.

Which leaves a poor little boy in a terrible situation.

It's easy to say to the op to not enable the dd, but realistically someone needs to mother this child. Op will have to face the fact that her dd may never be a good mother, no matter what measures are put in, and the son will suffer for it.

So the options really are: DD suddenly steps up and wants to be a good mother (unlikely), OP is the stand in mother but the son always feels like his mother rejected him (most likely), the boy is adopted by a loving stable family (unlikely, but probably for the best).

Very tricky situation.

You say she wants to return to education in September and use a nursery. Who is going to be paying for this? Or she expecting you to foot the bill?

She needs a social services referral. She's clearly struggling and is detached from her baby.

There’s that old saying:
"If you raise your children, you can spoil your grandchildren. But if you spoil your children, you'll have to raise your grandchildren."

I feel really sad for the baby in all of this!
Not sure who his primary carer is etc
The first 5 years are essential for brain development etc
I wonder if the very young mum wants to be a mum now

Adoption is a perfectly valid option. It's not for you to care for dgc as presumably if you had wanted another baby you would have had one. So it's down to Mum as Dad has already opted out. If she doesn't want to parent and it looks like she doesn't then please contact social services and quickly. And you definitely don't have to take on this responsibility yourself.

I agree with this. Unless she knows what the cause of it was, it sounds like she is out making another.

The only real way to stop her doing that is to make her 100% accountable for the one she has as if you are not there OP.

No more wishy washy.

I think it’s difficult when a young person is a parent as one one hand you will be having conversations saying she’s responsible for the baby and that’s obviously huge and lots of adult decisions to make and lots of growing up very quickly as a parent so on the other hand you can’t treat her like a child and say she can’t go out and dictate what she does.

The issue here is trying to get the daughter to realise she’s a parent and what that means and it’s not for her mum to pick up looking after the baby all the time so you can’t treat her like a child too otherwise she will default to that.

This - I’d tell her that this is what I’m going to do though so she has a chance to Uturn and step up, but I think your DD needs support from outside the family. Sadly, she is still a child herself.

Yes this is a legitimate option that could give the baby the life it deserves