DD leaving her baby with me

Turning it on its head it’s brutal to force teen to be a mum who doesn’t want to be.
If she only realised 7 weeks to go she had no option but to give birth.
She may not have received any counselling re options prior to birth and if family supportive perhaps naively thought it will be ok.
Very quickly she’s showing doesn’t want to be a mum.
Who can she tell? Her own mum doesn’t want him adopted that’s pressure albeit from a well meaning point of view. She may be feeling so trapped. Having baby taken off her is easier way out than saying I don’t want to be a mum.
It doesn’t sound like she’s primary carer? If she’s sneaking out and leaving him for hours presumably you are having to guess when last fed/when next feed due, make bottles etc.
Is she close to older sister? Could she speak to her.

You need to make it clear you will call the police or social services if she leaves without arranging for you to sit for her baby and then refuses to immediately come home when you call her out on it.

Frankly, I think you should call social services now.

Yes. In my DS's case he has 4 more siblings all in the care system.

Hmm, I would be far far less sympathetic than some of the other posters here. She’d be read the riot act for disrespectful, unacceptable behaviour in leaving her child without organising childcare and then being completely uncontactable. The priority honestly has to be the baby and whether or not she’s able to actually be a parent. Unless she gives the baby up for adoption, her life is going to be forever changed and no, she can’t bloody go out until 3am. She can’t go out AT ALL unless she takes baby or organises childcare.

OP, you are being really too soft (sorry) but I got grounded for far less at 17 and there’s no way I’d be allowed to just have a baby and fuck off to carry on living the teenage dream whilst my mum picked up the slack.

The DD sounds completely feckless. I know your heart is in the right place and you would probably take this child on. But please don't assume that there won't be a baby number 2, 3 or more

It's a single teenage mother who isn't taking the responsibility of motherhood seriously. Yet. If she is looking after her kid some of the time, then we cannot infer that she doesn't want to look after her baby at all. Everybody wants a night off now and again, perhaps she just hasn't got her priorities straight yet because she is young and immature and she needs it spelling out to her what her responsibilities are.

I don't know how you came to the conclusion that the grandparent is ambivalent either. Given her reaction to the comments calling for her to put him up for adoption I'd say your version of how she feels is pretty unlikely.

I agree that adoption could be an option on the table and that a lot of options need to be explored - but let's not pretend that children who are adopted have better outcomes than those whose family home can be stabilised and improved. They categorically don't.

(that's not meant as any kind of a slur on the people reading this who were adopted who have had good outcomes - just calling for a bit of recognition that adopting is far from a guarantee of a better life to the child than keeping them with birth family.)

It's an option.

My DS is adopted and his birth circumstances were very similar. Young mum couldn't cope, family genuinely unable to take him in. The upshot was that he was in a very disorganised and chaotic household with mum for far too long. She went out and left him on his own for 12 + hours, and longer sometimes. It would have got dark and got light again on a few occasions.

The knock-on effect on him has been huge.

If all else fails and the mum can't provide a caring homelife and OP doesn't want to raise another child, then adoption is a valid route. But sooner rather than later.

No not really I was even younger than this girl when I became a mum and would never of done this. Honestly she needs to grow up the people saying "she's young" as an excuse are making all young mum's look bad

I think also think she needs external help. She's not feeling that maternal instinct / bond from what you wrote OP and that can be a sign of mental illness.

I find it strange that she would just walk out the door without saying anything leaving her DS behind, not send you a text asking how he's been when she's out. As a mother myself even when I leave my kids for a couple of hours I still think about whether they are ok etc. There's something deeper here

My sister had her first at 17 and lived with my mom. She never would have dreamed of dumping her baby to go out with mates. OP I think you've got to have a serious talk with her about wether she wants this baby or not because unless you're going to basically become it's mother then that poor child is going to be neglected from the get go by it's real mom

How absolutely judgemental and patronising.
I imagine this 'type of thing' would never happen in your family.

This is what happens when kids have kids

Too immature to look after a baby

He might have grandparents and an aunty willing to help out , but what he really needs is a committed parent, or better still two committed parents. This isn’t a “ let’s all help out with some babysitting while a 17 grows up a bit and comes to her senses” situation, this is “a baby needs proper parenting and attachment in his vital early years” situation.

I am so old I had to go to the phone box and ring home if I was going to be late.

Ah..I don’t see adoption as an evil. I wish I’d been adopted rather than my parents struggle on. Wow I wouldn’t have had the struggle I had for the first half of my life.

how long can a baby wait for a healthy responsive mother? his mother is currently going out clubbing and not making arrangements for his care and being uncontactable..she has a long way to go.

life is long..this baby could receive the needed parenting from adoptive parents and still have a relationship with his birth mother and family.

people on here naming the reality of the situation are not wicked

What the f*ck

I think it’s quite unfair to say OP is ambivalent, @gladtidingss . She is, presumably, a middle aged adult with her own established life who has suddenly found her self pretty much responsible for a new baby, without her express consent. No doubt she loves her grandchild but she can’t be expected to care for him. That’s not ambivalence, it’s practicality and boundary.

Hm I found by 17 that I could generally come and go as I pleased, I always told my mum when I was going, who with and when I’d be back, but definitely didn’t need permission to leave the house? obviously there might be the odd occasion (grandparents birthday or family gathering etc) where I’d be told please book that Saturday off work and make sure you don’t have plans with friends. But beyond that no.

I'm afraid I have to agree with these two pps.

I remember DH and I thinking that we were ready for parenthood at the ages of 28 (me) and 31 (him) when our first baby was born. In reality, it detonated a bomb in our lives and turned everything on its head. We were winging it just like every other set of first time parents. When the huge responsibility of it dawned on us that did hang heavily at first too. 17 is still officially a minor herself, and very young to deal with something that adults much older than her still struggle with.

I think this whole issue puts OP in a very difficult position, and one that I am relieved never to have ended up in with my own three DDs.

Could your DD be suffering from PND, or severe baby blues? I did, and they made me crave my old life so much. I grieved for it too. Talk to her to ascertain whether that might be happening and if it is or if in doubt encourage her to see the doctor. She may be frightened and confused by her feelings and the strength of them - grieving for her old carefree life and wishing she could have it back, but at the same time loving her son even though at times she probably wishes fervently that she hadn't ended up in this position.

After that I would have a serious discussion with her to establish boundaries. Tell her what you are able/willing to do and what you are not. I think it should be possible to encourage her to step up far more than she is currently doing whilst still setting out your own stall too.

I think the idea of contacting Children's Services is a good one and may well have currency. I would hope that they would be the people to assess your DD and explain any available options to both of you.

That said though, there is no magic wand and support (with boundaries) will be needed for a fair old time. Realistically, much of it will have to come from you, but with the proviso that DD at least tries to step up much more than she has so far.

Does she have a social worker? (I’m ancient, had a 16 year old friend many years ago who was assigned one, of course, it’s probably not the case now, post-austerity?)

Oh well, I'm brutal then and so are many on here. Oddly enough, my dc seem quite fond of me and maybe because I was a bit stricter they weren't going out until all hours at 17 - baby or no baby that's not ideal.

This isn't a Victorian take a baby off a single mother situation. This is a single mother who doesn't want to look after her baby and a grandparent who is ambivalent. And a baby who's going to mightly messed up by living in a house with two women when neither seem prepared to take full responsibility for him.

But there definitely needs to be a thorough exploration of ALL options, therapy etc before adoption becomes a serious option.

Well if she was an older married mother then this situation wouldn't arise would it!

Some people on here are so brutal. It’s no wonder people go no contact with their mothers if they are anything like the cold hearted on here.

Adoption isn’t the answer. She’s too young to make such a huge decision so I would support her and look after the baby as much as possible because it sounds like she needs some serious help to bond and come to terms with the baby. It could be PND.

I don’t see how the “put him up for adoption” comment is so unreasonable.
The op’s daughter doesn’t want to be a mum.
If op doesn’t want to play mum then adoption isn’t such a terrible thing.

Your dd needs to grow up and be responsible. Give her ultimatums. .