DD leaving her baby with me

Your poor DD must have had such a shock, and obviously the choice to terminate wasn’t available to her. Does she actually want to be a mother? It seems not, and that’s understandable for a 17 year old. If that is the case then presumably the choices are for you to step up and be mum or adoption as others have said. If she does want to be a mother then could you contact SS for help and support?

This. It could be PND or something similar and of course that should be considered, but the reason people are also suggesting that the DD may simply not want to step up and be a mother is because an older woman who had a baby in the same circumstances (unplanned, discovered after the deadline for an abortion, father refuses to be involved) would normally be sufficiently socially conditioned that they have to suck it up and look after their child even if they don't want to that this type of behavior would be considered even more extreme.

I do not believe that a older woman with a newborn who was just leaving that child with another adult without checking that other adult was taking responsibility for a child would be getting an easy ride. The difference is it would be assumed that she was either severely mentally ill, or an evil person. Because the DD is 17 and so potentially hasn't been conditioned that she has to step up (and is presumably used to her mother picking up things for her in the background in general) she's getting an easier ride, not a harder one.

Of course it could be severe PND or another mental health issue, but the OP hasn't said anything to indicate that at this stage. All we have is a DD who is leaving her baby to go out with her friends. I do not believe for a second that if this thread was about a 30 year old mother leaving her baby with her husband in the same way and for the same types of time the mother would be getting an easy ride, or there would be a suggestion that the DH just needs to take a firm line!

OP, Could you get guardianship of your grandchild?

The last month or so I think the novelty has worn off for her.

The novelty hasn’t worn off, she’s just a 17yo old adolescent who unexpectedly fell pregnant and is struggling with the massive change in her life.
She’s like suffering from PND too.

As a grown adult I would be struggling too.

That being said, she doesn’t get to drop everything and not be responsible.

Sit her down and tell her that as a parent, it’s completely unacceptable to just leave or not go home.
Tell her that any parent can’t just do that.

Tell her that you’re happy to babysit but she needs to realise that she can’t go out as often as she likes and she needs to sort her responsibilities out.

This baby was unplanned and perhaps unwanted.
I would not judge DD at all if she felt that she’s not ready to be a mum and that adoption would be best for the child.

I had my baby at the same age and although I love her so much, my life was very difficult and my DD does not have the life she could have had.

I knew I was pregnant quite early on too.
I can’t imagine how it must feel to find out so late.

She is very lucky to have you as a parent.

It’s not disgusting or evil to want the baby to have a chance at being parented by someone who truly wants them.

@FrenchandSaunders How ridiculous!

Please don’t do this!

None of this is the baby’s fault and it’s unthinkable to leave him unchanged, hungry or crying without being comforted. That’s just outright neglect of a baby only a few weeks old.

I do understand that your preference is for your daughter to step up and parent @CustardCreamsfortea but can I ask what would your position have been had your child died and left a baby grandchild orphaned. In those circumstances would you have kept the baby in the family or had them adopted out? That might help frame your thinking about what to do here.

Getting more external support for your DD does sound essential though. Apart from anything else, if her days are largely filled with mother and baby activities and support she will be spending more time with the baby and there is also less time for her to spend with the friendship group so this situation could resolve over time.

Lots of good advice OP. I definitely agree with the comments recommending therapy and social services help - I'm actually surprised they aren't involved already, her being 17 and having a cryptic pregnancy. Finding out your whole world is going to be turned upside down just 7 weeks before giving birth would be traumatic for an adult woman, let alone a 17yo child, and I'm not surprised she is struggling and wanting her life to return to normal.

They may not be perfect, but from what OP has described the behaviour is extreme, not just sloppy.
I know of girls in that got pregnant in my secondary school, none of them have done anything remotely like this.

Do you work? If you work tell her you can’t do that and look after a baby.
if you don’t work she will use you and leave him with you.

That’s another issue - the idea that if a woman or teenage girl says she doesn’t want her child then she must be ill and couldn’t possibly mean what she’s saying/demonstrating. Postpartum depression exists, yes, but so do women and teenage girls that do not want to be parents. Adoption shouldn’t be dismissed as an option for either.

As had been shown by many social experiments!!!

I don't think that's true. Frontal cortex is not fully developed at 17, empathy is often absent in teens. It's not PND it is a normal teenager. And normal teenagers are not usually the ideal parent.

Do you think she has fully bonded with him ?

The first few weeks/ months could have been ok due to the novelty factor , but now has worn off , and of course lots of attention from her friends .

Who feeds him , bathes him , changes nappies , winds him , soothes him etc ( basic mothering ) the most ?

Pull away from doing any of that , don't even mention if he's crying that she needs to do something .

Also don't do any of her washing / his washing of clothes , she needs to take all tasks including bottle making up , heating up and sterilizing of bottles.
She's now a mother , and time to act like one.

Thank you. I agree and have many adopted people in my life. It’s not some Victorian horror!

and agree adopted people reading this must be really offended! It’s like people are saying their parenting wasn’t good enough even though they don’t have any idea..how hurtful

If this post was about an adult who be behaved in this way everybody would be talking about how it's likely postpartum depression, what a poor woman, she needs help (insert helpful links to read). Because this thread is about a 17-year-old, guessing because of the stigma associated with teenage pregnancy, the girl is useless, wants to party, of course she's more concerned about being with her friends than her child, must put the kid up for adoption ASAP!!! Unreal.

I'm somewhat offended by people saying adoption is an offensive and evil suggestion. My DH was adopted as a newborn, so was my grandfather and many, many of my friends.

What is offensive and evil is leaving a child in the care of any kind of unfit parent. This is not necessarily the case for OP's DD but it might at some point, come to that.

She found out seven weeks before she gave birth. She didn’t have a choice as to whether she wanted to continue the pregnancy and have baby or not, at that point.

Adoption is a perfectly viable option. You not wanting her to give him up for adoption doesn’t mean you can make her ‘step up’ and be a mother, and certainly not a good mother.

Yes..I thought that when reading a pp saying adoption is insensitive and Victorian…rather forcing motherhood on someone who doesn’t want it is..I agree she doesn’t really know how to say and sound alike adoption has been closed by her mum.

adoption to an intact family is a good option, especially for a baby. They are likely to get ready parents who really want the responsibility. As as previously said adoptions can be open now

its fostering that is less so

I wouldn't assume the daughter is capable of doing this. I think removing babysitting could be risky to the baby.

I think grandmother needs to create a realistic plan for care with mum stepping up as she matures.

it must have been an incredible shock to give birth with 7 weeks notice!!

she is not 'feckless' btw what a gross description. she is a child herself. She is post natal/ probably lacking in rational thought - the teen brain doesn't even properly mature until 25.

I also think people are being massively unfair to 17 year olds. Yes they do stupid things but I don't think your average 17 year old would leave a baby and go out without checking that someone else was taking responsibility for that baby, even if they weren't actually the baby's parent. I certainly would be extremely disappointed if my 15 year old was looking after a baby in one room, with the mother in another room, and then just left the baby alone without checking the mother was coming in. This isn't about a DD begging her mother to babysit over and over again and throwing a tantrum until her mum gives in: she is just leaving the baby and then being uncontactable for hours. In her current state the DD isn't capable of adequately caring for a child - she may be able to get to a position where she can with support but from what the OP says she would be dangerous as it stands.

That said, I'm not exactly clear what's happening and whether it's a case of the DD handing her baby over to her mother for a cuddle and then saying 'bye mum' and running out the door before OP can stop her, or whether she is literally leaving the baby in the crib and walking out the door without letting her mother know. I'm assuming it's the latter. The former is not good, but the latter is terrible.

I haven't read everything but do you have a children's centre/Action for Children centre near you? I know a lot were shut down or cut what they offered, but where I am there is still a focus on provision for teenage mums and there are a lot of groups for 16-25 year olds to meet with their babies led by a practitioner. I would investigate something like this to help her meet other young mums and also for outside help in terms of caring for the baby.

She also needs to understand you are not available to babysit whenever she fancies. Can you make yourself less available at home? At the moment if she knows you are always there, then she won't see it a problem in going out.

The only options available are
You raise the child and tell your child to leave
Adoption
raise the child and let your daughter stay.
If they baby stays your life will be raising him. Your Daughter doesn't want to. If you let her stay her swanning out the door like she is childless will drag you down and the resentment will grow quickly. Best she goes and lives her own life.

I'm a bit confused by people who are saying it's fine for a 17 year old to be out until 3am without their parents knowing where they are and being uncontactable. I wouldn't be ok if DH did that! I don't need to monitor where he is at all times, but common curtesy is that he lets me know he's going out, what he's doing would never be a big secret, and I'd expect to know roughly when he plans to get back (not least because I need to know whether i should lock up or not). Isn't this the case for any person you live with?

I have to agree that adoption should be on the table as an option. It seems that OP isn't interested in the baby being adopted outside of the family, which is fine because if adoption was being considered then OP would be the first person social services would look to! It's important however that the DD has the choice whether she actually wants parental responsibility for this child. Just as the father has walked away, a mother actually can as well, and there shouldn't ever be judgment on someone who decides that they are not in a position to bring up a child and looks for alternatives in the best interest of the child.

That said, it's a long way from there and I'm with others who have said use all support available to help DD make the decision whether she wants to step up or not, and to understand how to do that.

But if the DD decides she doesn't want to step up, that decision is better made sooner rather than later for the baby's sake. And OP needs to decide whether she's willing to step into that role if DD won't.

I know people are slating the poster who suggested putting the baby up for adoption however, it is a potential option. If the daughter doesn’t want to look after the baby then the OP has to decide if she’s prepared to raise the child as her own, and not just as a grandparent. If not then perhaps adoption is the right answer.

I am not saying it is but it shouldn’t be ruled out completely if the daughter doesn’t want to be a parent and isn’t prepared to seek help/support from SS.
I would also look at whether or not she has PND, possibly not but worth ruling out.