DD leaving her baby with me

You have two choices op

Parent the child or tell her to step up.

And I hope she is using ccontraception on these overnight jollies away from her infant.

Pretty stupid to threaten her with something that you do obviously can't do.

Agree. It would be in the best interests of the child to have two involved, enthusiastic, loving and stable parents. Not a feckless teenager and no involved bio-father.

I would urgently look into possibilities for finding the baby a permanent home.

How on earth did she "not know" she was pregnant for eight months?

Tell her you will call social services or give the child for adoption if she doesn’t take responsibility; otherwise he may not be the only child you will have to look after.

when I had my first child I was 29 - in a fully fledged relationship and totally ready to be a mum - when the baby arrived it was a massive shock to my system after a month or two - realising that the independence I had had for so long was gone and I couldn’t go out with my friends so much (who were childless) or just do what I wanted when I wanted. I found that hard and luckily had a supportive husband and family to help me so I could still have some independence (although more structured than in the past)

if I had been 17 when this happened I don’t think I would have coped at all.

you need to support her by setting some clear boundaries- she can go out on Saturday every other week etc and can’t just leave without making plans for babysitting.

im sure she will settle into being a mum soon

I would hazard a guess that she ‘sorta does’ want to be a part time Mother but largely doesn’t. As long as she has you to step in and do the minding nothings going to change. She is 17 with, dare I say, a 17 year olds maturity. Yes the novelty probably has worn off, parenting is tough as are the sacrifices, and she wants things to be as they were pre-baby. But things for her can’t be as they were.

An extremely serious discussion about expectations, responsibilities etc between you both has to happen and soon, as I envisage you will be raising this little one with maybe sporadic involvement from your daughter, do you want that?

You're going to have to sit her down and explain why you're no longer babysitting. Because she's taking advantage of you. Also it's her baby, not yours! Otherwise you could.ask social services for support.

OPs question was “how do I make her step up”. So my answer is to get her help.

That escaladated quickly

That sounds hopeful, but I'd be cautious all the same.

I think you're all going to need the support of a social worker. Did she have contact with a social worker before the baby was born or afterwards?

Would the college be able to signpost to support?
Her midwives?

I hope you won't be hurt by this, but I would take the 'only realised she was pg weeks before delivery' story with a grain of salt. It's more likely that she realised she couldn't physically hide her pregnancy any more.

I'd probe a bit to assess the nature of the relationship of the BF who abandoned her and the baby. Any hint of coercive control in the relationship? Did he refuse to wear condoms? Put pressure on her to accept sex on his terms? Was she hiding the pregnancy from him?

She may well be experiencing post abuse depression as well as post partum mh issues. Certainly, since her BF dumped her upon learning of the baby, she's probably struggling with that loss plus other feelings.

You're in a difficult position too, of course, and probably feeling very stressed, tired, and worried about your child. I really encourage you to connect with whatever support there is out there because you need it too.

Not ‘rightfully so’ when it’s used to dismiss and deny agency to women stating feelings you deem uncomfortable.

As an aside, some women will have PND and not want to parent. Trying to coerce women to raise children they don’t want isn’t ’helping’ either them or their children.

I actually don’t think this is as ridiculous as it sounds. My dad and his girlfriend had a baby when they were 19 and 17 (I only found out about her when I was in my thirties) My older sister had a lovely life with a couple who had long term fertility issues. My dad and his girlfriend (not my mum I should add) were just too young. It’s a massive step but I don’t think it should be completely disregarded.

I'm not sure there'll be any more engagement from the OP

Very difficult OP, you have already (by default) become the main carer for this little one.

@CustardCreamsfortea Sorry to be blunt OP, but I think you have to be realistic about your options here:

• Your DD recognises she's a mother now and takes on that responsibility;
• You take on maternal responsibility for your DGS;
• Your DD gives up your DGS for adoption.

Offspring of a teenage mum here.
I wouldn’t push anyone into motherhood if the young mum doesn’t want to or is not ready for it.
No one deserves to be a ‘bittersweet’ child, it’s a heavy weight to carry and it lasts a lifetime. That’s my experience.

Ultimately, the thread isn't about a 17 year old not stepping up, it's about what is best for the baby.

OP has said adoption isn't an option, which is perfectly fine, but if it isn't, then someone from within the family needs to be the primary caregiver.

Well seeing as 1 in 10 women develop PND, rightfully so.

This has obviously been a big shock to both of you, and I think you need to sit down with her and have a very good chat about her responsibilities. Ask her what she wants and how she thinks she can achieve this.

Finding out 7 weeks before the birth, took away a lot of her choices. It is good if she is looking ahead to college and using a creche.

You can spell out to her what you are able to do, and she needs to understand that she has to look after her child, and she will miss out on things when she can't get a babysitter.

If she can't accept her new life and deal with it, then adoption is one answer and only she can decide that. If you are saying that the baby won't be adopted, does that mean that you would step up to look after it full time if she walked away from it?

I think OP you will need to prepare to be the parent to this child. Using a phrase like ‘novelty has worn off’ does not show a great start.

are the health visitors able to suggest any parenting courses or groups for young mums?

I'm not suggesting for the baby to be neglected !
Just that it's mother needs to be reminded she is responsible .
I was suggesting to @CustardCreamsfortea that she takes a minute to encourage her daughter to step up and mother her child and learn that her own mother is not " first call " .

This

Most of us have 8 months to adapt to the idea, and it's still a big change.

Maybe now her body has recovered a bit she just needs time to be a teenager, live some of that life and say goodbye to some of that life?

But going out unannounced is not acceptable.

Realistically, she probably needs some therapy and also maybe needs help, x amount of time to herself each week and then gradually reduce it as she adapts. She needs time to be supported into being a full-time mother, as groundwork for doing it successfully later.

But it does have to be agreed in advance who has the baby and when.

How is she funding going out frequently? Is she using money intended for baby and you are paying for his milk/nappies. To stop her going out frequently can you try to cut off her funds. You probably have been helping her buy things for him but it might just be facilitating her socialising.

This happened in my family, except it was my DB's baby. The birth mum wanted the DC (she was also seventeen) but it took only a matter of weeks for the novelty to wear off. Her parents didn't want to know. DN came to live with us.
I think you have to decide if you're prepared to raise your GC. If you are, then any progress you make with DD becoming a responsible parent is a bonus. Her actions at the moment sound negligent.
If she's able to leave the house without you knowing, either she's leaving the baby alone, (what happens if you thought she was home and nipped out?), or you're already the default parent even when DD is at home.