Daughter resists going into school each morning. AIBU to make her go in?

Your DD was me, sixty years ago.

I was diagnosed with autism a couple of years ago. Three of my four children are autistic.

Being bullied by exclusion is dreadful. It's so disheartening and distressing.

Sorry, I haven't got any advice, just sympathy - for you and for your lovely daughter.

Very gently OP - if you are ND it is highly likely that your daughter is too.

No-one would have known my dd was neurodiverse at that age. It took myself a while to realise. I wouldn't rule it out with her brothers being assessed.

Yes, make her go in. She needs to learn that life isn't always a bed of roses. Sometimes people are mean. It's not nice but you can't shield her from absolutely everything or she'll grow up with no resilience whatsoever.

I'm fed up hearing about "school refusers". Be a parent and get your kid to school.

yup absolutely this.

I know what you mean about looking for a new job - and it reminds you that there is a choice if it’s not working. My daughters school is through to yr 6, quite a big 2 form entry, but if things don’t improve I would consider other options, but want to try everything with this school first. Similar to your daughter, she was so confident and social in nursery/reception and her confidence seems to be dipping over time. School don’t seem too concerned as she’s bright and does the school work fine, but there’s something about the environment or perhaps the social side she’s not enjoying, always saying she doesn’t want to go, her tummy hurts etc. we’ve tried the heart thing at various points and agree it can be effective! But a sticking plaster like you say.

https://www.girlguiding.org.uk/what-we-do/brownies/

Of course she needs to be in school daily but you need to get to the bottom of the problem

I didn’t like school myself from around this age. In hindsight, my issue was that I am neurodiverse, however I can’t see that in her.

It's likely she is ND as well even though she isn't displaying it the same way as you.

My DP as a ND sibling who got diagnosed in childhood there as DP got diagnosed as an adult. This is because the sibling was dysregulated and disruptive from toddlerhood. I then found out I have a friend who is also ND who has managed to deal with it by appearing very organised.

I’d have a meeting with the teacher and head, which I see you’ve arranged. At that meeting I’d be outlining the changes you see in her and asking them what they think is causing it before exploring any thoughts of your own. In my experience if you say “I think it might be X” the school will go along with it and you’ll never get to the bottom of it.

It may be ages struggling with more formal learning, there may be something in the classroom set up that doesn’t work for her, it may be early signs of neurodivergence or something entirely different. Does your DD see a difference in herself? How does she speak about school when everything is calm - what does she like/dislike?

Im also going to disagree with the prevailing opinion here - I absolutely refuse to send my child into school anxious and upset. It’s not the first time I’ve kept one of my kids home until I’ve been able to speak to the school and put a plan in place (and been very clear about why they are off). Oddly enough, once their attendance records are being impacted, school staff tend to find time to meet and put supports in place.

You say you are at home. Is there an element of her thinking she’s missing out perhaps if you are doing nice things with a younger sibling.
If you are working at home does she understand that.

Does she go to Brownies? Can be good for widening friendship groups and gaining confidence through different activities. If she goes to one nr the big junior school she’ll probably know some classmates when she starts from brownies.

Your daughter has to go to school. Don’t open the door to school refusal. It’s a very hard genie to put back into the bottle

I don’t see much benefit in trying to find a school for a term and a bit. She’ll barely have time to settle before there’s another move.

Might it help her if you were to ask the teacher if she could go in a few minutes earlier in the morning, to ‘help’ do some jobs before the others come in? I certainly think it’s worth having a conversation with the school about keeping an eye on the relationships in the class. Maybe she’d feel more confident if she had a class responsibility and that might be something that could be arranged.

Why? School in the UK is optional. It’s an opt-in service. You don’t legally have to send your child to school.

@op year one is often when cracks start to show. They go from play based lovely reception class to sitting down at a desk all day and being tested and trained up for passing tests and much more formal curriculum. For a lot of children it’s when the reality of school day-in-day-out hits.

No advice but sending hugs, going through something similar with my daughter in year 1 and not sure what to do. Have been in to see her teacher a few times and tried to work on some strategies but every day she says she doesn’t want to go and I basically have to push her through the door. I have tried to focus on play dates and activities outside of school but so far not making much difference, it’s so hard to know what’s best.

The exact same thing happened to my daughter at the same age/time, she is now diagnosed ASD & ADHD. I wouldn't rule it out as you say you are ND. Talking to the teacher to see what they see would be a starting point.

You need to actually talk to the staff about whether she is being left out. I do lunch duty and sometimes a teacher will check in about different friendship groups as a parent might say similar, yet I will see them with a group joining in, with them all playing together no issues. There might also be some where they are not left out but there are issues, and the group might have different children telling on others (won't let me play, shouted at me, doesn't want to play my game). Again lunch staff will generally keep an eye on these things and let the teacher know if any big concerns. We will also buddy children up if they come up to us and say they have no one to play with.

As a lot of people will say, year 1 is different to reception. In reception there is a lot more play which she might have enjoyed more, whereas year 1 they have to sit and listen and have more specific subject time and higher expectations.

Do talk to the teacher and go from there.