Daughter resists going into school each morning. AIBU to make her go in?

Our DC was the brightest of sparks in nursery but struggled at school. Year 1 was a crisis point. The school went full on push for ASD diagnosis. An anayalsis thrown out by the medical profession as DC basically is an academic child and gregarious. Just not enough kids to bounce off in a class of 15. It was a private school with over emphasis on sports. We moved school to state setting with 26 kids in class, never looked back. Geek accepted

That's all very well, but how many parents are capable of home schooling?

School is school, and the overwhelming majority of kids just need to do as they are told and go to school.

Wrong.
In the UK school is optional. You opt-in.
You apply for a place but legally you do not have to at all. And you are perfectly within your rights to take your child out too.
Your choice.

Oh Lord, have you read the thread?

I know it's tough, but she doesn't get to negotiate whether she goes or not, so tell her that children have to go to school and that's that.

Most kids would rather be at home, but that is not an option.

You have absolutely no idea of how difficult it can be. We did make DS go to school, dragged him there screaming and crying to sit in a room on his own with the ALNCo because he could not cope with even seeing or being seen by any of his peers. One of the girls in his class put a lovely note through our letterbox saying how much she missed him and it caused a meltdown. He refused to leave the house at all for a while.

He essentially didn't go to school for a year, got moved to a small unit for children with additional needs in a different school, we - and they - put so much effort into getting him there, making it a place he was happy to go to. He's now in secondary school, in a specialist autism unit, and he's like a different child. Not saying it's easy, but he willingly goes to school most days, and goes with encouragement and support on most of the rest.

It may be that your daughter is nervous of the changes in school ahead. It's not an unusual occurrence. I work in a First school (Foundation - Year 4) and by April every year, we see the Year 4's start to become over emotional, anxious or they start getting too big for their boots! The First school is small, 1 class per year group, so only 5 classes. It's daunting for the children going from a small school to a much bigger one. New teachers, students, routines etc, all play on their mind. I would have a face-to-face meeting with your daughter's teacher, and see if they've noticed any changes in her behaviour. Ask them to monitor break time and lunchtime, to see if your daughter is being excluded. It's common for children to say 'I have no one to play with', when actually that's not the case, in a lot of cases the child doesn't want to play the game the group they want to play with, is playing. It can equally be a case of the child wanting to play their own game, and refuses to accept that the rest of the group don't want too. Therefore you need to ask staff to fact find for you, so you know what is actually going on. Ask your daughter if she has told her teacher if she is being excluded or a lunchtime staff member. If the teacher/lunchtime staff aren't aware, they can't do anything about it.

Don't be me. In year 1, in an infants school, DD2 started to show signs of not coping. I chivvied her in. But she got to the point that she'd be unwell. It all deteriorated and we moved her to school 2.

School 2 was a primary school. She did ok for the rest of year 1, but the change from year 1 to year 2 threw her. We limped through until Easter, but the nurture measures they put in were withdrawn once they were seen to be working. We got to complete refusal, so we took her out for a term.

Years 3--6 were spent in a tiny school and they really supported DD2. By then, her ASD was clearer. They did lots to support her.

Years 7-10 were pretty awful. Some respite for year 7-8 because of COVID lockdown, then limped through the rest of year 8. Big cracks showed in year 9 and by year 10 she was completely unable to attend.

DD2 was then put in specialist schools but now, in year 13, she continues to have significant autistic burnouts and then the memory of her struggles in earlier years stop her from taking the risk. Now, success will be getting her functional skills 2 in English and Maths, despite being intelligent.

I can't help thinking that if I had fought for a more appropriate provision when she was younger, she'd be doing better in her education.

This post is long enough, without my telling you DD3's story.

I'm thinking back to my childhood in the 1960s now.

Because of school refusal and anxiety, I was sent to a child psychiatrist at the age of eight.

She prescribed diazepam for me (!) which actually led to a long period in adulthood of addiction to benzos.

I am staggered, now, remembering being given diazepam as an eight year old child.

In those days, nobody recognised autism, especially in girls. SMH.

As an undiagnosed autistic child, who really struggled with school, I found I much preferred contact with older children.

I was extremely musical and academically very bright, although there were some subjects which were a closed book to me.

To this day I don't understand why planes stay up in the air, although I have two degrees and have a great facility for foreign languages.

OP your daughter mustn't be forced into school. It's terribly damaging.

And do please pursue a diagnosis of neurodiversity, which I'm sure you will. I appreciate there are difficulties and restraints in getting diagnoses, though.

Pull her out. She’ll start coming down with stress illness next and takes years to undo the psychological damage

All my children are summer born except one who is born in September. My Sept born DD went through this and it was difficult to get to the bottom of it with the school as she seemed happy in school but never wanted to go. After endless chats with her ( she was 8) she said they were babies in the class and acted like it at times. Turned out the other girls in her class ( all summer born ) were playing things and talking about things she had outgrown. I really had no idea and it was a huge shock that it was down to the level of maturity! It seemed to go off the older they all got and no longer an issue but it was one of those things i certainly hadn’t thought of.

I hope you get some joys with the teachers as I understand how hard it is in a small school when they don’t want to go in

I wish I’d had your fortitude. I now have one child off long-term sick with chronic fatigue syndrome, and the other one so stressed he can barely function - with or without school. I went along with the school, not wanting to be “that” parent, and not wanting to end up in with a “school refuser” (or anxiety based school avoidance, as it is rightly termed now).

So, I just wanted to highlight your post, and applaud you for standing your ground. You are absolutely correct - despite my pushing for help for my kids for years, the school did nothing until they were both unable to go in, and their attendance plummeted. And people who call it a choice should see my son having a panic attack in reception every day, or my daughter pushing herself so hard that her body just gave up.

Thank you <3 it is indeed draining.

There will be fluctuations in how happy, confident and popular they are - there is always a little bit of a power struggle at this age, you will notice a lot of the chat is "I did this..." "Well I did this thing even better...." Their social skills are still developing and it isn't the most likeable age in a group setting.

There is a line to try and navigate where we listen to their concerns but we also add an adult perspective. A parent joining in with the drama and making their child feel like it is a terrible awful thing happening to them doesn't always help. Kids can also be more secure if a parent is less emotional and takes a "this too can pass," attitude whilst showing them the things they can control.

You are also projecting in a way that is unhelpful. You think you'd have been happier if you hadn't been made to go to school, but you haven't actually lived that version of your life. One that would include less school stress, but a lot more isolation. You're seeing only one side. You would be very unlikely to have the good things in your life as it is now, but it's much more likely your options would have been severely curtailed and your world made smaller and more difficult. It's like people with hard jobs dreaming of time off, when the reality of unemployment is something else altogether.

You say nothing about seeing friends outside school, the playdates and friends you have over and do activities with away from school, even if they are school friends. This is an important omission in two ways:

1. Having friends outside school stops a child seeing their whole identity in the context of the school dynamics, it gives them context
2. It enhances connections with school friends at an individual level

If you haven't been having people over or seeing them outside of school, then that explains the whole thing, as all the other children will have been. Can you see which of the girls (or boys, mixed sex friendships can be great at this age), on their own, DD gets on best with and nurture that friendship, rather than try to change the wider dynamics.

Wow this thread! School ‘refusers’ and weak parents! Have none of you ever had a job you absolutely hated and left at the FIRST opportunity? Why would a child at school be so completely different?

To the poster who claimed they’d never known a child go from school ‘refuser’ to back into school full time, we’re over here! Two children, both now in very different settings (to original and each other) and 100% attendance. There are many of us, we hang out in ND groups.

To the posters who tell you to be a parent and get your child to school, please explain how? (Ready for when I have to get number 3 to go!). My middle would climb to the top of the climbing frame and just sit, not moving or speaking for half an hour. He was too big to get down. He’d kick and hit you. Ordinarily, and when not dysregulated, he is the most laid-back, kind and compliant child, there was just something about school. We could have got rid of the climbing frame I suppose, but that’s not dealing with the root cause. ‘Kids do well if they can…..’

To the OP, as the mother of two very obviously autistic but also very differently to each other son, and a daughter that struggles with life, history tends to repeat itself, if we let it. You were an expert female masker. To the outside world, my daughter is a normal 3 year old, but I’d place a lot of money on her also being autistic. And I think if you dug deeper you’d probably find the same with yours.

These children ‘excluding’ may just not know how to include her, if she struggles socially. The exclusion may not be at all deliberate, they just don’t know how.

Find your people. This mumsnet thread appears to be full of perfect parents, that haven’t had to experience the difficulties associated with ND children being crowbarred into an NT mainstream.

Ah I’m so sorry you’re “so fed up of school refusers”. Must be so draining for you.

Can’t imagine why so many children refuse school today either 🤨

Probably seen as old fashioned advice but she goes to school every day. Please don't let her see that it is upsetting you and before you make the quantum leap to move schools look at the positives , make a plan to include her ideas and give it a bit of time. She needs to have age appropriate input into this. Just a thought...if you move her and she doesn't settle in the long term then what do you do?

Oh it's a real concept. But it's mostly caused by enabling parents.
You're the adult. Get your kid to school.

I'm fed up hearing about "school refusers".
Be a parent and get your kid to school.

To read this post, you'd imagine that school refusal wasn't a real concept.
Posts like this really make me angry.