Gentle Parenting has failed, lets accept this.

One of my earliest memories is being smacked in public and everyone looking at me. The humiliation was huge and something I struggle with today.
A previous poster said that the issue is not gentle parenting but no parenting not allowing their children to be sanctioned by school when they don’t adhere to the rules, not correcting them when they are swearing or hitting at a young age. .

Well i can say I've never hit any of my children and they've never been electrocuted, bitten by a dog or run over.

Because i supervise my kids around dangerous stuff. My children have SEN so it's a lot harder to do this than it is for most parents but it's a basic responsibility of a parent isn't it?

Particularly around my dog - because I'm a responsible parent and dog owner, the children are never left alone with the dog and i watch the dog's body language carefully and if she is showing any signs of stress, i separate them or intervene way, way before the dog feels the need to escalate to a bite. The most we ever had was a growl when my then 5yo son was a little heavy handed with her. He didn't hurt her, but she didn't like it.

That instance showed me that i hadn't been supervising closely enough, so rather than hitting my child because of my failings, i separated them, showed the dc a child appropriate image of dog behavior ladder escalation, and explained to them the hurt the dog and that's why she growled. I talked to him about how we can read dog behavior to understand how she's feeling and the importance of giving her space.

If id smacked him, he would have been very very confused about why i was hitting him, and probably ended up resenting the dog. With my approach, he learned more about dog behavior and why she had growled, what would be likely to happen if he did it again, and to develop some more empathy for the dog. It would have been easier to be a lazy parent and just smack him but how will that teach him WHY he shouldn't do something?

She's never growled again, the dc has never caused the dog to growl again and that was 2 years ago. Most of all my child isn't scared they're going to get hit for doing something that they didn't understand was wrong.

I'm still totally baffled as to why anyone need to assault anyone else in any of those circumstances.

You say it should never hurt a child and then go on to describe a ‘sharp slap’. Are you able to accurately measure a child’s pain threshold in the heat of one of those moments?

Would it be ok for that same child to slap you sharply if they feel you had done something they didn’t agree with? Or would you slap them back for that too?

Violence breeds violence.

I am so very grateful you are nowhere near my children.

@Zod666 this is just really not true! I know plenty of parents who haven't smacked or shouted at their kids, and they've grown up to be respectful teenagers. If you spend time really getting to know your child, set boundaries and create natural consequences if those are broken, limit time on devices, make sure kids getting out in nature to regulate themselves, get a good's nights sleep, eat right, make sure they get the best education they can whatever form this takes, and basically enjoy life with your kids, then you cannot go wrong!

I am personally quite strict with my children to make sure all those things happen - with devices, diet, bed times. We respect one another and we promote an environment whether we all work as a team and help each other. It's not that hard to do.

I don't see how an adult could ever feel good or ok with smacking a small person. that stuff has got to eat you up?

I think take a look at your attitude and consider whether you are perpetuating a cycle of abuse, and perhaps get some therapy before exposing these attitudes to the next generation of your family?

One thing I am hopeful for is that emotional intelligence of the generation coming up far exceeds most boomers I know, my parents included.

Try talking to your child whilst they are beating the crap out of you...How does that work then exactly?

I get kicked, punched, nipped, spat at etc. On a regular basis, as dies DH. We're waiting to speak with CAMHS.

I used to work in criminal defence. Not a single defendant ever successfully raised the reasonable chastisement defence.
Many defendants were however convicted of child abuse, common assault or other offences of that nature against children. It’s definitely outdated and certainly doesn’t reflect the view courts prefer to take if a child is harmed.

If people do what they want because no limits were placed on them as children chaos will result.

That is true. And it is a big part of the problem with what is happening in society and behaviour in schools.

But that is not caused by people not smacking their childen or actively raising them with empathy and respect.

I work with children daily. It's very clear to me which children have been raised with empathy and respect, which are raised in fear, which are raised with no expectations or boundaries, which are raised to believe they can do no wrong and which are raised in a haze of parental anxiety. And I've yet to be surprised when meeting/talking with their parents.

I doubt mental health issues have increased. They are just more recognised now and people talk about it. Years ago people kept these things to themselves.

Again... Wrong.

I was born mid 70s. I was raised with physical discipline, humiliation, shame, conrmpt and, crucially, without love. I knew I wasn't loved, knew my dad was pretty indifferent (or angry) and my mother actively and openly disliked me. I've had therapy - many times - and whilst I've carved out a superficially normal life, on the inside, I'm broken. It's had a negative impact on every part of my life. Whilst I now have a partner and two adult children, mentally and emotionally, I feel alone, scared and unhappy and I dont remember a time when I didn't.

When my eldest was born (i was 23) I decided to practice what I described then as 'opposite parenting'. I had no positive role models for what a parent should be but decided that, since my parents had royally fucked up raising me, in every situation, I would do the opposite to them. And consciously did so.

What I ended up doing was, I believe, what is actually true gentle parenting. I very rarely raised my voice because shouting scares me. I knew what it was like to be shouted at as a child and I didn't want to be responsible for making a child feel like that. I was terrified at having a much bigger person shouting at me when I didn't understand the words only the anger.

I never smacked/hit or physically disciplined because I lived in fear of my parents and I didn't want to make my child feel like that.

I never understood what I'd done wrong and the parameters shifted depending on my parents mood. I couldn't make choices around my behaviour because what was ok and right one day was wrong another due to the lack of consistency. There was no communication so I didn't learn or understand; I could only 'react'. So I communicated and was consistent with my children.

My parenting was proactive rather than reactive. Before doing things I explained what the expectations were and consequences. I'd grown up with arbitrary punishments and so I didn't want to do these and so there were only ever 'natural consequences' even though I had no idea this was a thing (and may not have been when my eldest was little!)

My mother sneered at me once saying, "I don't know why you talk to him, he can't understand you," and I said I knew that but one day he would. And he did.

There were clear boundaries and expectations and consequences for not following these but there was no violence, shame, humiliation, threat or fear.

I parented with empathy and respect. My aim was to create a 'space' where they both felt heard, loved, respected, safe and without fear. Where they could admit their mistakes and he accepted for who they are. I apologised for the times I felt I had let them down, which meant they also felt safe doing the same.

The result?

One child of 27 who is a graduate, did well at school (within the parameters of his SEN) who is a confident and well adjusted, kind, thoughtful, compassionate, hard working and respectful man with a good career.

And another child of 18, currently at university, who is self motivated and self disciplined, participates in a competitive team sport, works hard, is ambitious and equally kind, thoughtful and compassionate.

They both have good boundaries. Neither expects something for nothing. Both are independent. Neither has ever been in trouble at school or anywhere else, they take responsibility for their mistakes and have a very strong sense of self. We are all very close.

They have achieved things - including a self assuredness and a confidence that I have never managed and likely never will.

Neither has had an easy life -I've been a single parent for most of the time with no family support and few friends whilst working in a demanding professsional career. I've never had 'a village'. Both my children have some additional needs. There have been times I was skint. When my eldest was born, we were homeless and my mother continued to try and sabotage until I cut contact with her in my late 30s.

Absolutely wild to me that people are still wondering if hitting children is OK.

Gentle parenting is not parenting without discipline, that is permissive parenting. I am a 'gentle parent' and my 3 year old understands that her parents are the ones in charge, know how to keep her safe, etc. Of course she pushes back against that occasionally, but she is 3, she is supposed to!

Please stop confusing 'Gentle parenting' (where the premise is that you treat your child like a human being) with 'permissive parenting' (where they rule the roost and live with no boundaries/consequences)

In the 1950s we were very strict with parenting, and most children grew up to want to work, and had, in general, respect for their elders, and authority.
Along come the 1960s, and we said blow that; I want to do what I want, although, in fact we still held some of the values of our parents. But when the 60s kids had their own children the reins started to relax. And each generation became weaker in discipline and respect.
From my ancient perspective Society is breaking down, allowing for extremes, of the Left and Right to gain influence. The UK today, from what we hear, is totally different from the UK I grew up in. Our last visit was in 2106 and we noted major changes to our home Nation population and that reflects in societal values.
If people do what they want because no limits were placed on them as children chaos will result. If people steal and the law does nothing to stop them, If people assault others in the streets because the law does nothing to stop them. if sections of society think they have extra privilages, because of skin colour religion, sex, or self defined gender and the law does nothing to stop them
what chance do your children have of an ordered and happy existance?
Like I say, one old man's outside view of modern UK

Parenting - gentle or otherwise shouldn’t be reactive. You should be teaching your children everyday about how to stay safe, be respectful etc.

for example since day 1 we have had conversations and modelled how to behave around animals. My children would always ask to approach a dog and have always been gentle with animals since they could walk / talk.

we have spoken about road safety whilst out and about, I have always talked about where the path ends and the road begins, the green man, looking and listening for cars, being aware of driveways. These conversations happened when they were in buggies and now I’m confident they have the skills to look after themselves near roads and vehicles.

we spoke about plugs whilst doing activities together and explained the dangers and why they must be careful and ask for help etc.

being a parent is about teaching your children, not shocking them. It really is so simple? If you have had to slap your child (slap?! wtf) you have lost control and you should take a long, hard look about why that happened and apologise to your poor kids.

Yeah, I gave up because the ones slating gentle parenting don't actually have a clue what it entails. Another one here who has older teens that I've never smacked and I can count on one hand the number of times I've raised my voice. They've had very firm boundaries, constant explanations about why these boundaries exist, and are amazing almost-adults with kindness, empathy, respect and drive.

Funnily enough, I also manage to control whole classes of children gently and calmly. Yet parents who assault their children can't control one child. I'll stick to my ways, and can calm the most volatile child with listening, empathy, firm boundaries and reasoning.

I don't agree with smacking children, but I've recently been watching re runs of Friday Night Dinner and the mum, who absolutely adores her sons and vice versa, is forever slapping them and although it is in semi jest, their reaction leads one to suspect this was what their childhood was like (ie lots and lots of love and the odd ill aimed slap)

BTW I know this is a drama, but whoever wrote it must have based it on a family type he recognised.

I think that many families from Europe randomly slap to make a point, but they are not aimed with much precision and not taken very seriously by the children.

Why are posters that have no idea what gentle parenting is commenting? Gentle parenting is about enforcing consistent boundaries in a calm, respectful way. Children raised in this way understand and respect boundaries, as they are enforced in every day life. They don't have the chaotic unpredicatable boundaries that abusive parenting gives. Do you think your DC maybe went around smacking dogs because they were raised around violence? My DC would never ever smack a dog.

The issue is that "gentle parenting" isn't the same as no parenting. Discipline does not equal hitting your child. It's been shown to just cause fear and not actually work as a method of discipline in terms of correcting behaviours.

Children need structure and boundaries. Too many parents have gone back to that early eighties letting them do their own thing style of parenting. Kids are acting entitled and spoilt. No one is telling them how to behave or telling them off at all!

Teachers manage discipline without hitting children. And parents can too.

Smacking shows the parents have lost control and doesn’t get to the root cause of the behaviour. Take a 3y old having a meltdown in the supermarket because they want a toy. Smacking doesn’t take into account the fact their brains aren’t developed enough to understand why they can’t have something. Smacking also won’t fix that behaviour. You need to understand your child and their development in order to gentle parent. Many people don’t understand that gentle parenting can be strict and high impact and you can (and should) stay in charge. If they fail it may be due to lack of consistency or giving up too soon. Most bad behaviour I see is from poorly disciplined kids, or those who have parents who give in for an easy life.

I have 3 children and all needed slightly different parenting .
I had no help at all so yes I probably shouted on rare occasions but I taught through management and natural consequences .
Eg they broke some toy then that’s it , it’s gone or they need to help fix it , save up for another one .
When little I’d put things I didn’t want them to have locked away / up out of reach.
If a mess was made they needed to help clean up which would delay me playing with them ..and so on .
If they got into the sugar or baking ingredients then spilled it then that was gone so no making cakes

Mine are now confident adults and extremely hard working. Both Dd and ds hold managerial positions. Both also have their own businesses.

From what you have said it sounds as though your friend isn’t actually practicing Gentle Parenting.
Gentle parenting is about being consistent. Not reading something in a book and trying it out for a couple of weeks then trying something else when it doesn’t work straight away

I would say she is floundering and trying different things and that just leads to bad behaviour because her little boy can sense she has not a clue what she is doing and he is crying out for some sort of consistency.

This isn’t about gentle parenting not working it’s about your friend not understanding what gentle parenting is and the time, effort and consistency it takes to raise a child using gentle parenting techniques

I have never slapped mine and an a huge advocate of (proper) gentle parenting and neither of mine have ever done anything to get them injured or in danger. I am hoping you are joking bexause surely you aren’t a poster for slapping as working as it clearly isn’t

Do you know that some children were (or are) smacked or beaten and it didn't work either, right? Some kids can be beaten into a pulp and not conform. It has always been like that (read old biographies, and you'll see lots of examples). So maybe, just maybe, parents have to use different and more intelligent strategies with some kids. Or address their real issues instead of going for behaviour training.

Yes this is a true life event my child has been electrocuted, run over and mauled. They are examples of worse case scenarios that can very easily arise when children don’t understand dangers and boundaries because their parents are so obsessed with being ‘gentle’ and usually these kids are the ones that end up getting signed off work with mental health issues because their boss told them what to do and now they are stressed, as they aren’t used to it. ‘I can’t attend the office this week because I’m anxious because my boss was hard on me and it’s a toxic work environment’ vibes, HR complaint, sick note from the doctors

You hit your child. Twice. That's grim.