Gentle Parenting has failed, lets accept this.

If my husband started giving me a gentle tap to get me to do what he wanted, I would report it to the police, divorce him, and go for full custody of my daughter. Hope that helps.

Oh my god 😂😂😂 would you call the police if I tapped you on the hand? 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂 STOP I can’t with people here

Yeah, I will wait to talk to them after DH or I have been beaten black and blue first🤨

In theory the idea sounds great but in practice wouldn't work.

I agree - and it has worked really well DD is very good at working out whst she is ready for. For example lots of her friends want to go to Reading Frstival this summer after GCSEs with many being told no and getting upset and some are going.

DD on the other hand after looking into it worked out she was definitley not ready to go and handle that at 16 because she just isn’t and now there are 2 years to get her ready if she wants to

gentle parenting is for me all about striking the right number of boundaries for them and for me and for society in general. Whst is appropriate outside behaviour, whst my boundaries are and also what their boundaries are in terms of others

because I think people pleasing at all costs that you see very much in our generation is a downside of all of the 1970s parents who hit (not mine mine was an advocate of gentle parenting before her time) and that is NOT what I want from my children

gettong the balance between respecting others rights while making sure their own are not breached is vital for me

I'm sorry to hear things are so difficult for you. My dc have adhd/asd so I have been in this position.

The benefit of the talking is that you talk to them before and after the event. Before, so they understand how to manage emotions and feelings without resorting to violence, and afterwards to explain the impact it has on you and them and work out strategies to avoid it happening again. By talking to them about what's going on and how they're feeling, NOT during the meltdown, you can begin to understand what triggered it and whether the child has any additional needs.

Talking to my dc effectively when i sense a meltdown is coming on will very often diffuse the situation before we reach full meltdown. Meltdowns usually happen in this house because the dc haven't understood what they need to do, why something is happening or what expectations are on them. In addition by talking about it so much, they can now put words to their own feelings and manage their own emotions. Our home is much more harmonious.

Authoritarian parenting had no positive effect on my children, it made everything so much worse. Hitting my dc would make them hit back. Shouting at them makes them shout back. We were all living in hell with the old fashioned parenting approach. It dawned on me that maybe my children weren't neurotypical.

So I started researching parenting techniques for ND children and just gave them a try. Once i started thinking about trying a different approach, gentle parenting has transformed our lives for the better. It is very much harder on the parents than smacking and shouting would be but it works for us. I can't remember the last time my children hit me whereas with the old fashioned shouty style of parenting, it was a daily occurrence. I still get them to do what they need to do but without the constant high stress for all involved because my children know I'll listen to them and they have the skills to talk to me about what they need in a way that we all understand.

During an event such as you describe, i agree totally that talking is pretty pointless. Wait for the meltdown to pass, try and keep everyone safe, then talk.

Unfortunately with gentle parenting the two often come hand in hand and that’s the biggest problem of it, because parents spend too much time explaining instead of correcting the behaviour.

Decision making is a life skill. My mother was like you. The net result was that it was years into adulthood before I learned how to make decisions without needing the approval of someone else.

Allowing your children to choose what they wear from a wardrobe you've bought anyway, so shouldn't contain anything wildly inappropriate, is a small way you, as an adult, can help them develop a skill they'll need when you aren't telling them what to do.
They need to learn what's appropriate for the weather/occasion, etc, without being told.

It baffles me when parents proudly announce their children aren't allowed to make these sorts of low-level decisions on a daily basis in a safe environment, then wonder why their children can't seem to do the simplest thing without 'being told'.

Decision making is a life skill. My mother was like you. The net result was that it was years into adulthood before I learned how to make decisions without needing the approval of someone else.

Allowing your children to choose what they wear from a wardrobe you've bought anyway, so shouldn't contain anything wildly inappropriate, is a small way you, as an adult, can help them develop a skill they'll need when you aren't telling them what to do.
They need to learn what's appropriate for the weather/occasion, etc, without being told.

It baffles me when parents proudly announce their children aren't allowed to make these sorts of low-level decisions on a daily basis in a safe environment, then wonder why their children can't seem to do the simplest thing without 'being told'.

YANBU. I have never smacked my kids but then I’ve never needed to. From the age of 1 they knew ‘NO’ in a loud scary mum voice, and known if they repeatedly piss me off there will be consequences. I don’t give them endless choices either - I decide what they wear, what we have for breakfast, and what we do that day. They have limited choice, it isn’t all me dictating to them, but I’m the parent and I’m very much in charge. As a result my kids are happy, confident and not at all anxious like half of them seem to be now.

All this ‘aww they’re too little to understand right from wrong, just distract them… why not let them be their true selves and choose what they wear?… I apologised for raising my voice because I would want the same if somebody shouted at me..’ is a load of nonsense and why kids are badly behaved now.

I'm sorry to hear things are so difficult for you. My dc have adhd/asd so I have been in this position.

The benefit of the talking is that you talk to them before and after the event. Before, so they understand how to manage emotions and feelings without resorting to violence, and afterwards to explain the impact it has on you and them and work out strategies to avoid it happening again. By talking to them about what's going on and how they're feeling, NOT during the meltdown, you can begin to understand what triggered it and whether the child has any additional needs.

Talking to my dc effectively when i sense a meltdown is coming on will very often diffuse the situation before we reach full meltdown. Meltdowns usually happen in this house because the dc haven't understood what they need to do, why something is happening or what expectations are on them. In addition by talking about it so much, they can now put words to their own feelings and manage their own emotions. Our home is much more harmonious.

Authoritarian parenting had no positive effect on my children, it made everything so much worse. Hitting my dc would make them hit back. Shouting at them makes them shout back. We were all living in hell with the old fashioned parenting approach. It dawned on me that maybe my children weren't neurotypical.

So I started researching parenting techniques for ND children and just gave them a try. Once i started thinking about trying a different approach, gentle parenting has transformed our lives for the better. It is very much harder on the parents than smacking and shouting would be but it works for us. I can't remember the last time my children hit me whereas with the old fashioned shouty style of parenting, it was a daily occurrence. I still get them to do what they need to do but without the constant high stress for all involved because my children know I'll listen to them and they have the skills to talk to me about what they need in a way that we all understand.

During an event such as you describe, i agree totally that talking is pretty pointless. Wait for the meltdown to pass, try and keep everyone safe, then talk.

Smacking has absolutely nothing to do with discipline and everything to do with controlling via fear. There is a wealth of research showing that children who are smacked are actually more likely to become involved in crime and anti-social behaviours. As for citing Venerable and Thompson in relation to smacking, it was well-documented that both boys grew up in chaotic households where physical violence was the norm.

Smacking does not work, is not effective, and is a marker of shitty parenting. If you hit your spouse, you'd rightly be arrested so why would you think it acceptable to hit a child?

I was born mid 70s. I was raised with physical discipline, humiliation, shame, conrmpt and, crucially, without love. I knew I wasn't loved, knew my dad was pretty indifferent (or angry) and my mother actively and openly disliked me. I've had therapy - many times - and whilst I've carved out a superficially normal life, on the inside, I'm broken. It's had a negative impact on every part of my life. Whilst I now have a partner and two adult children, mentally and emotionally, I feel alone, scared and unhappy and I dont remember a time when I didn't.

When my eldest was born (i was 23) I decided to practice what I described then as 'opposite parenting'. I had no positive role models for what a parent should be but decided that, since my parents had royally fucked up raising me, in every situation, I would do the opposite to them. And consciously did so.

What I ended up doing was, I believe, what is actually true gentle parenting. I very rarely raised my voice because shouting scares me. I knew what it was like to be shouted at as a child and I didn't want to be responsible for making a child feel like that. I was terrified at having a much bigger person shouting at me when I didn't understand the words only the anger.

I never smacked/hit or physically disciplined because I lived in fear of my parents and I didn't want to make my child feel like that.

I never understood what I'd done wrong and the parameters shifted depending on my parents mood. I couldn't make choices around my behaviour because what was ok and right one day was wrong another due to the lack of consistency. There was no communication so I didn't learn or understand; I could only 'react'. So I communicated and was consistent with my children.

My parenting was proactive rather than reactive. Before doing things I explained what the expectations were and consequences. I'd grown up with arbitrary punishments and so I didn't want to do these and so there were only ever 'natural consequences' even though I had no idea this was a thing (and may not have been when my eldest was little!)

My mother sneered at me once saying, "I don't know why you talk to him, he can't understand you," and I said I knew that but one day he would. And he did.

There were clear boundaries and expectations and consequences for not following these but there was no violence, shame, humiliation, threat or fear.

I parented with empathy and respect. My aim was to create a 'space' where they both felt heard, loved, respected, safe and without fear. Where they could admit their mistakes and he accepted for who they are. I apologised for the times I felt I had let them down, which meant they also felt safe doing the same.

The result?

One child of 27 who is a graduate, did well at school (within the parameters of his SEN) who is a confident and well adjusted, kind, thoughtful, compassionate, hard working and respectful man with a good career.

And another child of 18, currently at university, who is self motivated and self disciplined, participates in a competitive team sport, works hard, is ambitious and equally kind, thoughtful and compassionate.

They both have good boundaries. Neither expects something for nothing. Both are independent. Neither has ever been in trouble at school or anywhere else, they take responsibility for their mistakes and have a very strong sense of self. We are all very close.

They have achieved things - including a self assuredness and a confidence that I have never managed and likely never will.

Neither has had an easy life -I've been a single parent for most of the time with no family support and few friends whilst working in a demanding professsional career. I've never had 'a village'. Both my children have some additional needs. There have been times I was skint. When my eldest was born, we were homeless and my mother continued to try and sabotage until I cut contact with her in my late 30s.

I used to work in criminal defence. Not a single defendant ever successfully raised the reasonable chastisement defence.
Many defendants were however convicted of child abuse, common assault or other offences of that nature against children. It’s definitely outdated and certainly doesn’t reflect the view courts prefer to take if a child is harmed.

Unfortunately with gentle parenting the two often come hand in hand and that’s the biggest problem of it, because parents spend too much time explaining instead of correcting the behaviour.

You're describing permissive, not gentle parenting. Your final paragraph is gentle parenting: instill boundaries without resorting to shouting and smacking. In other words, respectful and sensible parenting with developmentally age appropriate interventions.

I don’t agree with gentle parenting, but I also don’t agree with smacking a child.

Too many kids are poorly behaved nowadays and having a young child myself I see it all the time. You can tell the children who have parents who ‘gentle parent’ and 9 times out of 10 they are the little shits in the play parks or kids groups, doing whatever they want, whenever they want with no consequences.

You can be a good parent and have rules and boundaries without needing to physically hit a child.

Try talking to your child whilst they are beating the crap out of you...How does that work then exactly?

I get kicked, punched, nipped, spat at etc. On a regular basis, as dies DH. We're waiting to speak with CAMHS.

One of my earliest memories is being smacked in public and everyone looking at me. The humiliation was huge and something I struggle with today.
A previous poster said that the issue is not gentle parenting but no parenting not allowing their children to be sanctioned by school when they don’t adhere to the rules, not correcting them when they are swearing or hitting at a young age. .