Gentle Parenting has failed, lets accept this.

There isn't a one size fits all method of parenting. Gentle parenting may work for some and not others. You can't possibly know if it has failed for all children.

Totally agree with Ye gods and little fishes
mine were born mid eighties never smacked, but taught how to bahave and that the world did not revolve around them. They do not rule the adults.
No need to resort to hitting. All that does is show that violence is acceptable.
Gentle parenting has gone too far

Ahh, the people of mumsnet favourite past time - blaming gentle parenting when the parents are not gentle parenting.

I agree.

Equally authoritative parenting isn’t ’chastising kids for not getting 9 As’.

Gentle parents go on and on about how their methods are misrepresented yet make out the only alternative is beating children or acting like a dictator.

Are people confusing gentle parenting with shit parenting? I don’t raise my voice to my child, punish them, or hit them. But I do make sure they understand the consequences of their actions and treat other people with kindness and respect. We always tell them that their feelings are inportant, and other people’s feelings are important too. No one’s take precedence.

IME the children who are taught to ignore or hide or silence their emotions grow up to be absolute dickheads as adults.

Exactly! You're a parent, ffs. Not their mate. Be firm, be an authority.

But if you can only be an authority if you smack your child - I have bad news for you.

What's your point? That a slap is an assault? Or that it isn't? Or that not enough schools take violence seriously so we shouldn't care about violence from parents? Or what?

Yes I agree and no smacking needed. My parenting was very much in the, I’m speaking you’ll have to wait”, and if they said they were bored I’d tell them I spent most of my childhood bored (no tech other than a record player in those days), so go find something to do if you don’t want to be bored. I was a very loving mum but I wasn’t a sap. I get a lot of lovely compliments from friends at how I brought them up so well but it was all winging it really and having a strong sense that I didn’t want it to be a smacking/yelling household.

There is a large expanse of middle ground between gentle parenting (which I agree is shit), and hitting children (also shit - smacking kids is assault in my book). Parents need to parent. Firm, fair, boundaries, telling kids no on occasion!, etc.

Also "gentle parenting" is not the same as "permissive parenting".

Gentle parenting includes the word "no" and consequences. It sets standards that children are expected to aim for. It's just that those standards are more childcentric eg if a child isn't very academic then maybe helping them aim for a pass in the core subjects is a better option than chastising them for failing to be get 9 grade As?

Gentle parenting and snacking are not the only options

I saw a mother at a ballet class for her 3 yo daughter. Her 2 yo done was so badly behaved that has disrupting everything. He was hitting, pushing, knocking things over, and all Mum was saying was "oh please don't do that! Kind hands! Kind hands!"
Ridiculous. He heeded a firm no.
I know someone who used to do gentle parenting. All this Oh please - please put your coat on- please don't bite mummy etc ad infinitum...
That child is now 14, hits her parents and tells them to fuck off.
I never smacked mine. Single mother with boys. But I was firm. I was authority. They behaved.

I find interesting the people who say their child hasn’t been damaged by the occasional ‘tap’.

They weren’t ‘tapped’ were they? Instead they were hit hard enough to cause pain. Otherwise, what’s the point. A ‘tap’ is a gentle touch to get someone’s attention. That is not what ‘tapping’ parents have done (or if it is, one gentle tap and no other punishment when the child does something wrong is the definition of permissive parenting).

Maybe consider why, if hitting children is OK, it is necessary to use minimising language when remembering doing so?

Just a thought…….

Totally agree. Being a caring and kind parent does not mean not having rules and boundaries. I would say its not gentle parenting that is a problem - but laziness. People are too lazy to invest time in their kids, and are incapable of showing them how to behave by example.
Bringing up a child is hard work, and it takes a lot of time, commitment and energy. There are no shortcuts - "gentle parenting" (or as someone see it - not paying your kid any attention) or prison-like obedience are not going to work.

Tell that to the thousands of school kids whacked every day by their violent classmates

I love and respect my kids.

I don't feel violence has any place in a relationship where there is love and respect.

I hope, when they are grown women, they know that violence is not love and do not accept it as part of a relationship.

A slaps an assault.

Are they? Are they really?

Who gets to decide what "gentle parenting" is?

On this thread we have several people confidently proclaiming what gentle parenting is defined by, and they're all different. One says it's talking about feelings instead of giving punishments. One says it's about giving natural consequences instead of artificial ones. One says it's about being proactive. And so on and so on.

I'm in my 40s. I, and many my age were raised with smacks to correct behaviour and we to leaned to fear adults.

Could it be that our parents didnt teach us how to parent? Maybe we grew up repressed and unable to set boundaries without fear? I don't want my children to be scared of me so I'm trying something different. Something I have no experience of.

Maybe we remember the misery, humiliation and despair of crying after a smack and our parents telling us "stop crying, it hurts me to do it more than it hurts you" (naybe because your instinct is screaming that you shouldnt hurt your children) or maybe we just know that fearing a parent is not the same as respecting them?

I hope I'm teaching my children respect. I think I am. We have boundaries that they sometimes push against but mostly adhere to.

FWIW. I see a hell of a lot of messed up adults my age.

It doesn't have to be any thing physical though does it? These days even saying 'No' or 'that's not a good idea' are considered mean!

I think gentle parenting fails when parents don't also teach kids boundaries and to consider the impact their behaviour has on others around them. I grew up with parents who had the 'kids should be seen and not heard' approach with occassional smacking and I do think it's impacted my personality as an adult. For example, yes you can watch the Ipad in a restaurant whilst waiting for the food, but you do need to wear your headphones, as other people don't want to listen to Peppa pig at full volume.

@Zod666 "What I said was that despite the gentle parenting punishments she has tried it has made no difference, so what else does she try? she had read books on the subject and nothing works."

Because she probably didn't put appropriate consequences in place,not followed through, or held a firm boundary.

What situation led up to the child hitting her? It is incredibly unlikely they just wandered up and hit her. What has taking away a tablet got to do with physical violence... Was it the tablet causing the anger,and the child taking it out on the parent?

I think you really have hit the nail on the head. You have said about electronic devices. The root of all behavioural issues!

There have been studies upon studies proving that hitting your kids doesn't improve behaviour and causes damage. There are no observed benefits. The debate is over and anyone still defending it is denying proven science.

The Bulger killers had terrible home lives. There is every chance that with a better start in life they'd have become entirely normal people.

I am not going to comment on your friend's 8 yo because I have no idea of what the circumstances are, but it doesn't sound like she's parenting effectively. Hitting him won't help.

My children are 5 and 15 and at no point have I felt any need at all to raise a hand to them, because we have robust strategies in place so it never gets to the point we lose control. They are both beautifully behaved.

I taught primary for several years and the worst behaved kids were the ones who got smacked at home. You don't teach a child to behave well, regulate their emotions, and be respectful by hitting them, it's setting a dreadful example.