Gentle Parenting has failed, lets accept this.

Ive had 4 children and nothing has made me want to assault them between the ages of 5 and 8 (or any other age tbh and my eldest is 21 next month, youngest just turned 10).

Gentle parenting has got a bad name - literally, it's name does not accurately describe what it is. It gives a false impression of soft, ineffectual, permissive parenting. And I think there are plenty of parents out there confusing the two.

I agree with a pp. Actual gentle parenting is generally effective when done well. But there is also a place for a more authoritarian approach at times.

People don't understand what gentle parenting is. Its not letting your child run amok and do whatever they want. Its actually a LOT of very hard work.
I didn't gentle parent I was an 80s parent, no such thing then but my much younger sibling does. She is a SAHM and on the go with her child all day long playing, distracting, teaching.
She is a trained teacher. Her child is way above his age group and his behaviour is impeccable, he's potty trained at two.
But Dsis is knackered.

Yes @Pigwodgeon absolutely, its the feral, very disadvantaged, sometimes abused, sometimes neglected, some who are just above the threshold for SS intervention. Their parents were never reading about "gentle parenting".

There’s a whole world between smacking and gentle parting though. I don’t consider myself a gentle parent. I use the naughty step, I have no time for “let’s name your feelings…” nonsense when my 4 year old is having a strop about putting shoes on and we all need to get out the door. I tell her she has 30 seconds to get her shoes on or there will be xyz consequences and I mean it and she knows I mean it so she does it. However I’ve never raised a hand and I never shout (obviously I’ve lost it on occasion like most parents!) so far at least my 4 year old is a lovely well behaved child, my 2 year old needs a bit of work right enough! Perhaps my parenting will need to change with him… we’ll see. I suppose my feeling is you can be strict and have boundaries without hitting!

So your brother set fire to the carpet, got smacked, and then proceeded to set fire to the shed? And this stellar parenting resulted in the type of children who commit arson and tell their parents to piss off?

But it did because you think it’s okay to smack children.

All it teaches them is it’s okay to lash out when you’re angry/lose your temper,

I would challenge your assumption that there is always clear water between a controlled smack and an out of control abuse situation. My mum used to smack us in anger. It was not calm or controlled and as i got older and taller, she escalated to slapping my face hard enough to make my eyes smart. Then one day she went after my kid brother with his cricket bat.

Where would you draw the line here OP? I know where I do: I have never hit any of my children. Since people seem to be arguing age is relevant, my kids range from 14-4.

Very good. Especially strong leadership.

Also, though there is a distaste for a quick slap these days, actual angry ranting and shouting and obsessive moralising and shaming children can be worse in my opinion.

Former teacher and now social worker here.

1. you don’t know what gentle parenting is.
2. I can tell you right now those students that kick off in class, that are violent, disrespectful and so forth are not ‘victims’ of gentle parenting. Permissive parenting maybe.. but there’s stuff going on there you don’t understand or are experiencing.

Not read full thread but I work in a school. The most disruptive and difficult children are, on the whole, from families where there is either "don't give a shit" parenting (parents too caught up in their own drama and issues to parent properly) or "anything for an easy life" parenting, where the child is never told no. These parents are definitely not "gentle parenting" as they are just struggling on, potentially not having had good parental role models themselves.
The difficult ones are mostly not MC kids whose parents actually care about their parenting and might be trying "gentle parenting".

My DS hit me when he was 8 and was tricky, they all go through phases at times, but v well behaved at school.

@Zod666 gentle parenting does not create children who want to kill other children. I have always thought James Bulger killers were children who were abused themselves and needed help. But what they got was public slaying and demonising.

Children need firm rules and boundaries. They don't need abuse and violence. Empathy is the key word.

If we can see what studies you're referencing then there's probably an explanation within that somewhere.

Can you link what statistics you're looking at?

So the answer is to whack them?

Why?

Should a husband be allowed to whack his wife if he thinks she's not doing as she's told?

I told mum once to piss off she smacked me round my face. I deserved it.

It's worrying that you think this.

My brother's in the late 70s purposely caught mums shed alight they got smacked. For it as fire brigade had to come out. My brother at 9 caught my mum's bedroom carpet alight he got smacked for it. Both ended up military men and served our country. I told mum once to piss off she smacked me round my face. I deserved it.

There’s a massive difference between gentle parenting and smacking your kids. I do t smack my children but I set clear boundaries and give them an earful when they cross the line.

The examples you give don't contradict each other and work together quite well.

The original use of the term was by Sarah Ockwell-Smith, and she defines a very structured method of gentle parenting. It involves all of the above, talking about and validating feelings, allowing for natural consequences, giving logical consequences when natural ones fail, empowering your child to make choices, and being proactive to prevent issues from arising. She's very clear that it's a form of AUTHORITATIVE parenting, not permissive.

I'm not sure that all of it is always the best thing. Most gentle parents would say, for example, that you must never tell your child they have made you sad/angry because children aren't responsible for adult's emotions. I think it's important that my child knows her behaviour impacts on other people's feelings.

For most people, the SOS method is extremely labour intensive and requires you, as the parent, to never express your emotions in order to be a strong leader and role-model calmness with your child at all times. It doesn't allow for situations when you are in a rush or have priorities other than working through the issues that your child is having with their emotions. The problem is many parents can't because they are humans, so they just sort of give up and leave their child to run riot. They then use social media to justify their behaviour and you have groups springing up telling people that you should never impose any kind of boundaries or demands on children. It's a free pass for parents who feel out of their depth with discipline, and this gives gentle parenting a bad name.

I'd say I'm a gentle-ish parent. I would never, ever smack, I avoid shouting, my default in most situation is to consider my child's opinion and emotions and allow her to make choices. I do not validate and embrace every emotion she has or debate with her about every instruction I give. Sometimes the answer is no and I don't want to elaborate.

sarahockwell-smith.com/tag/what-is-gentle-parenting/

Who else can you smack in your life without the police being involved?
Please read this carefully:
PEOPLE DO IT BECAUSE THEY CAN, NOT BECAUSE IT WORKS

THIS.

Why does lack of smacking have to be the reason for it. Why is a lack of violence the reason for increased violence?

Absolutely agree.
My children are all adults now and were never smacked, nor did I use the "naughty step" type techniques which were popular when they were little. I'm not going to claim I have never shouted at them but it was rare for either me or DH to raise our voices to them, or indeed each other. But we were far from permissive and had pretty firm boundaries.
It was the same for me when I was a child. I was born in the 60s as the youngest child of parents born in the 20s so my parents were substantially older than those of most of my friends and definitely of the era when corporal punishment was the norm. But anyone being smacked in our house was such a rare event that my siblings and I have very vivid memories of the few occasions it happened. It's perfectly possible to raise well behaved children without physical violence or continually yelling at them.
I do think there are flaws in the gentle parenting ethos that I'm seeing used at times though. I see quite a lot of parents clearly trying to do the right thing but over explaining and using language and concepts that are way too complex for their child to understand and expecting young children to take decisions that are above their level of maturity. Explaining things to children is a good thing but you need to use age appropriate language and make boundaries clear - not everything can be a negotiation.

why the fuck would you want your children to fear you!? Respect yes, fear?? Only a bad parent needs their child to be scared in order for them to behave well.

I for one am proud that my children make good decisions because they want to, treat me with respect because the choose to and genuinely do respect me. Gentle parenting, when done right, is the correct way to raise a person. Children deserve respect too, OP.

It clearly did affect you. It taught you the way to control children as an adult is to hit them. What a rubbish lesson.

I grew up next to a family who were well known for getting into trouble. Their dad thought nothing of taking a belt to them. One of them used to have massive paddy’s smash the house up hit his siblings and mum. Police would be out all the time. One time police went to get something back one had taken off a child and the dad took a belt to him in front of the police.

One has been in prison one was charged for domestic violence against his wife. One took their own life by the lad who had the big paddy’s he’s actually turned out ok. He’s married with kids.