Gentle Parenting has failed, lets accept this.

So you advocate hitting them?

I didn't hit my children they are adults now i don't think I.was a particular "gentle parent" just consistent my parenting and children were not perfect because we are all human, hitting children doesn't make them behave or correct behaviour it just hurts them so the Smacking parent gets their own way.

Kids tend to fear no-one and respect no-one. That's the problem.

Yes they were just as unruly. My DC were absolutely boggled when I told them about some of the things we got up to at primary and secondary school in the 80s & 90s, things they wouldn't even dream of doing.

• all agreeing to hide while the student teacher was out getting the TV trolley. She ended up crying as she couldn't find us (we'd crawled into the storage space under the stage in the hall)

• having annual fight with a rival school on a patch of grass between the two school buildings. Never more than pushing and shoving but it was highly organised

• "wag day" during summer term at secondary school where everyone agreed to wag off on the same day

• smoking behind the science block

• the boys in year 9 had this thing going where they'd take it in turns to deliberately and loudly fart when ever the teacher was talking

• kid in science deliberately set his exercise book on fire with a Bunsen burner and threw it at the board

• it was a thing to stitch your fingers in textiles, going through the tough/dry skin around your nails so it wouldn't hurt

• "accidentally" cutting up random things in woodwork and misusing the tools

• stabbing each other in the back with the points on compasses. Also carving into our pencil tins with them.

• wet toilet paper or tissue, squeeze into a ball, throw it at the ceiling. It will never come down.

• pencils thrown point first like darts at polystyrene ceiling tiles

• deliberately setting off fire alarms

• minimum of one fight a day on the yard

I also remember self-harm being common in secondary school, underage drinking, teen pregnancy, smoking, drugs, some suicides, eating disorders. Mental health was generally not great but also was not recognised, you were just a "moody teenager". Safeguarding was not the same as it is now and there were a lot of children and teenagers getting into situations they had no business being in with a total lack of adult intervention. We also didn't seek adult help even when we desperately needed it because we'd get hit if we got caught so for a lot of the time we were muddling through when what we actually needed was guidance and support.

School was not a rosy, sun-drenched utopia back in the day and I think it's very telling that my generation, many of whom were hit as children, for the large part don't hit their own children. It's because we knew then it was wrong and we didn't want to carry it forward.

If you stepped out of line and someone gave you a ‘measured smack on the back of the legs/bum?’ Would you consider that assault? I know I sure would!

I have a beautifully behaved 3 year old. She respects me and her teachers, she’s extremely polite and wonderful company. I’ve never had to hit her to achieve that, I’ve simply been a decent parent.

just checked legally physical violence against adults is allowed if protecting yourself and your property - so not all physical violence is illegal as an adult

Just for those that say "it's wrong to hit an adult so it's wrong to hit a child "

As opposed to saying it's ok to hit a child

I’m not in the UK, and am shocked at how this can be legal. How have you not come further than this?

Smacking happens when a parent looses control - not as a consequence of carefully planned behaviour.

It is lazy and cruel.

I was 'smacked' and my parents used fear to control me. I am nc with them as a result.

I also have 3 children with Sen and have never needed to smack them. They are well adjusted, polite and generally all round great people (unlike my parents).

Not really sure what point you're trying to make. Your brothers were arsonists, that’s not your normal childhood behaviour. You telling your mum to piss off (and no that didn't deserve a slap round the face) sounds like a lot of toxicity going on in the family dynamics.

I worked in safeguarding for twenty years.

I have four children.

l now work in a nursery.

There are two groups of children who struggle, at opposite ends of the scale, those with NO parenting. And those with permissive or free parenting.

Ultimately these children suffer because of the "no parenting" approach.

Whether it's framed as neglect, at one end, or allowing the children choice outwith their capacity at the other.

The most violent children are usually from permissive parenting families.

Most people gentle parent, they have rules and boundaries and morals. They perhaps don't realise it's a thing. They don't hit their children. They love them.

The amount of adults who cannot grasp that, for eg, smacking a child repeatedly with a toy is not "normal expression" it needs managed is unreal.

I dread the day these kids get into society and suddenly have laws.

A notion that is far beyond their understanding.

It's a matter of degree and of balance. The pendulum has swung too far with some parents whose gentle parenting becomes permissiveness and absence of boundaries (that every child so desperately needs). In the same way the strictness of previous generations needed mitigating, but that can go too far.

What is needed is balance - kind but firm parenting.

It did affect you. It left you thinking it’s ok to hit a child who is much smaller than you. And at what age would it not be appropriate? When they’re 15 and can hit you back?

Some children never hear a raised voice until the go to school then the teacher is then blamed for being abusive.
I also think it`s to do with some having children a lot older now i mean way in their 40s nearly 50.
They have kids and hit perimenopause that changes our moods sleep and bodys add that to raising a child some just cant be bothered to parent right and wonder why they have out of control teens and entitled young adults.
I hate the saying they keep me young they really dont the older we get the less we bounce back so fast.

Gentle parenting is about acknowledging children's emotions and helping them to manage them effectively, gradually guiding them to appropriate behaviour and actions. It is fantastic but you need to be clever to do it.

I can say as a millennial I was never smacked and I was a model child. My parents were actually pretty strict disciplinarians, but they achieved this easily without having to resort to violence. I would have a very low opinion of my parents now I am an adult if I had memories of them smacking me.

I remember my Auntie used to smack my cousins though. She was a totally useless parent, I think she had a pretty low IQ and just couldn’t figure out how to manage her children effectively. So she made up for it by smacking or threats. It didn’t work, they were still fairly naughty and confused.

That pretty much sums up my opinion of people that smack their children - too thick or lazy to parent properly and so resort to the only thing they know how to do.

My God. Of course you shouldn't hit children, the most vulnerable members of society. That this is even a thread is mind boggling.

I agree with you about alot of this. I myself was smacked as a child and though I'd never smack mine, I don't feel I'm traumatised by it. The problem nowadays is that as you described, parents apologies for even slightly raising their voices when their kids been a complete little shit and the parent has in their mind lost it and shouted/ spoke with a firm tone. I think if a child is misbehaving so bad then I really don't see the problem with a firm angry voice telling them no/ stop it. To apologise to the kid just makes them think that what they did wasn't so bad so they've got no incentive to not do it again. And I do believe that gentle and permissive parenting has played a huge part in why kids these days are entitled little shits who can't handle life when they're told no

Does it really matter if smacking is traumatising or not? That’s an extremely low bar. If someone hit me I would be afraid of them, and as an adult I would make the choice to never see them again… why on earth would you want your children to see you like that?! Smacking is probably the laziest consequence of all - just frightening someone (way smaller than you) in to submission?

talk to your fucking kids, don’t write them off as incapable of understanding and educate yourself enough to talk in a way they will listen.

I don't assault my child. She is now 14 and well behaved. Any physical discipline is assault. If it is wrong to hit another adult then it is wrong to hit a kid - period.

Yes that is over the top. I was a bit of a bully as a kid and stepped on a ladybird once just because I was angry at life. My home life was abusive, and I suffered sexual abuse outside the home. I was a bit of a brat.

My father, rightly, stamped on my bare foot as a punishment so I would know what it was like to feel pain and fear. This was not unreasonable although of course I felt oh so hard done by and cried out that it hurt. My father pointed out "that is what you did to the ladybird. "

I'm glad to say it worked. I hate the idea of any animal cruelty now. If I see an injured bumble bee I will try to rescue it

Oh.

Another thread bashing gentle parenting that actually knows fuck all about gentle parenting.

I’ve got 15 yr old twins. Both autistic. DD also has ADHD. They were two months premature and tiny.

In no way were they “easy” babies.

I have always followed gentle parenting. Not permissive parenting. They understand I have expectations around mutual respect and I have clear boundaries.

My DC are well-behaved, kind, and respectful. They have never raised their voice at me - because I don’t raise my voice at them.

My DC know I don’t fuck around.

Gentle parenting requires clear boundaries, natural consequences, and an investment of time and effort. It absolutely does work - but only if you understand the difference between permissive and gentle parenting, and you can stick to it.

So you think your friend should teach her son that hitting her is wrong….. by hitting him…..?

On both classes . Middle and lower .
middle class put from 6am to 6pm so there is none of what you listed then the Governmet expects single parents (usually mums ) to have kids in childcare form age 2. None of what you
mention will be recieved on that situation either .

Two parents working or one single parent working is causing this issue . Where is the safety for them .

Why do people post their own experience and assume that it’s true for the rest of the population?

I'm old. Of my friends from school that I was able to see their homelife, the nicest and most well adjusted ones are the ones where there was proper discipline in the home and the parents were respected as parents not as a friend.

One bunch of four sibs ( 2M and 2F) in particular had a very strict father. He was far more severe than mine and I was a bit scared of him but in fact they adored him even though he didn't allow even an inch of bend which looked paradoxical from the outside.

Once they were all adults he sort of drew a sigh of relief and said to them that he was shit scared of being a father let alone of four kids so he just copied what his father had done. They all loved him for it.

Their mother backed him all the way. Total teamwork and all the kids are really funny, bright and successful with a pragmatic and wry take on life.