Gentle Parenting has failed, lets accept this.

They are aware of their 'rights' and also know there will be no real consequence at home and if anyone outside the home applies consequences then their parents will be up in arms, how dare anyone punish their dear sprog.
I always recall a situation when I was a teenager, my brother was late home from school
Mum Why are you late home
Brother I had detention
Mum What did you do to get a detention
Brother Nowt!
Mum What should you have been doing?
He eventually confessed to cheeking a teacher.
No question of going to the school to kick off, nowadays it seems that parents waste too much of the teachers' time with phone calls, emails etc. No parent should be able to contact a teacher directly, if it's something that's important then go through the school office.

Okay, and what did that teach the recipient?

I was smacked and don’t feel like this at all.

I can guarantee some part of your child(ren) will forever resent you for it and whether they tell you it to your face or not, it will have damaged how they think of you.

I would. It is assault no matter who does it. What is your point here?

Sounds a child with significant SEN given that they have a 1:1 and there will be fair more complex issues at play there than questions of boundaries and authority.

Really? How would they know exactly, considering the vast majority have no experience of school behaviour between 1965 and 1980?

Fear and respect are two very different things for starters. I grew up terrified of my violent and abusive father. I certainly had no respect for a grown man who couldn't control his own outbursts but sought to control those around him through fear.

I have never and could never hit my children. And they absolutely do respect me as I respect them.

That also trust me implicitly to care for them and guide them even when they don't 100% agree with me.

This means that when I ask them to do things, they do them. Albeit begrudgingly occasionally.

Attributes such as empathy, moral decency. Respect and calm, collected reasoning instead of lashing out aren't ingrained by fear.

They're human qualities that are nourished not by fear.

But by respect. And no one who chooses to scare a child deserves even a sliver of respect.

I don't respect your attitude. What you going to do?

YANBU. I'm from England so have legally used smacking as a form of discipline.

I agree with the posters who have pointed out that it isn’t a choice between either 1. Laissez-faire parenting or 2. Smacking children. Neither are desirable.

Most parents (I hope) instinctively know that corporal punishment is wrong. It’s illegal in Scotland and hopefully England will follow suit soon. Even if people don’t instinctively feel it’s wrong, there are plenty of studies showing the long-term adverse affects on children’s self-esteem.

Parents can instil good behaviour without resorting to physical discipline. My parents never smacked me back in the 80’s when it was very accepted and shame/fear-based parenting was the norm. I’m so grateful to them as not only did it set me a great parenting example but it’s far easier to be gentle with them now they are older and needing assistance. I was also far-bettered behaved than a lot of my classmates who were regularly smacked and was always respectful around authority figures whether or not my parents were present.

Gentle-parenting is not lazy parenting - in fact, it’s the absolute reverse. Smacking is supremely lazy and shows a lack of emotional regulation that parents should have learnt in childhood (but presumably didnt as they were smacked themselves).

Could not agree more OP. I am a 1:1 to a child who is only 7, they think it's okay to hit, punch, stab other children with pencils, raise their fist at me, threaten to punch me. Has melt downs and flips chairs, throws books across the room.
The only teacher they listen to is the ones who shout. Parents don't shout, they don't have any authority and this child is out of control.

I was gentle parented in the 80s/90s.

I'm a successful happy adult, as is my brother. And unlike many of my peers, I actually like and get on well with my parents.

I can't believe smacking isn't illegal in all parts of the UK - I actually only became aware of this recently.

I don't understand how slapping/hitting/smacking someone isn't assault?

If I smack you, that's assault.
If you slap me, that's assault.
If your husband hits you, that's assault.
Your 8 year old slaps another kid in school, that's assault.

But if you slap your toddler, thats ok?

I can't see the logic there. And if your kid is hitting others, how do you explain that hitting isn't ok, when you hit them and that apparently is ok?

Fair point. I probably didn't explain myself very well but it goes both ways. A lot of parents equate gentle parenting with letting a child do what they want and/or lazy parenting.

That isn't the case. Gentle parenting requires boundaries and when necessary consequences but it is more about the child than "traditional parenting methods".

For instance it could be considered gentle parenting to go to a child friendly restaurant where the kids can crayon at the table.

Gentle parenting is not letting your kid run around the restaurant or play their phone on top volume because they want to. That's just lazy parenting (if your child really can't cope without their phone, get them earphones).

Gentle parenting is letting your child choose whether they want to wear proper clothes or their dinosaur outfit and sparkly wellies.

Gentle parenting is not letting your child throw all their clothes out of the window because they don't want to get dressed at all.

If a child has a tantrum, gentle parenting is helping them to claim down somewhere safe and then talking about it afterwards. It is not about giving in to whatever they are tantruming about or trying to justify the tantrum with them.

If consequences are required, gentle parenting is about being consistent and giving the child the chance to correct their behaviour first. It can include explaining why throwing their clothes out of the window won't be tolerated. Gentle parenting isn't about saying "oh sweetie, please don't do that" and wringing your hands while they continue.

You say authoritarian behaviour isn't a dictatorship but equally gentle parenting isn't lazy.

(Plus the OP actually spoke about smoking children so...)

“People have still failed to know what Gentle Parenting actually is, let’s accept this”.

Fixed it for you 😀

I don't think that children should "fear" adults. I was scared of my dad and it had a profound effect on my life and relationships, turned me into a people pleaser, someone who was terrified to stand up for themselves. I think that helping children to understand and regulate their emotions is vital, as is respect and good boundaries. There is a difference between gentle parenting and permissive parenting. The latter is the one that I personally think is shoring up problems, those kids that you see belting round the supermarket or in other public places annoying people and just doing as they please. It does not help them long term as learning appropriate behaviour is a life skill, as is taking turns, knowing when to be quiet, learning that you are not the centre of attention at all times. Kids can be infuriating, exhausting and being a parent is often a challenge. My child drove me mad at times and I did occasionally smack them but I bitterly regret it and wish I could go back and deal with things differently. I used to shout a lot too, but in my defence I was on my own, ground down with the responsibility . No excuse though and I should have behaved better. I did used to try to be gentle and reasonable but I am very far from being a perfect parent or indeed human being. Looking back I don't think I had the right personality to be a parent and a lot of that has to do with the way I was parented and ruled by fear.

@Zod666 You sound horrible maybe that’s where the issue is? Parents who tell people to F off on line when reasonable views are offered.

And he could have taught you that without stamping on your bare feet, feet smaller and more delicate than his own. Fear and pain are not the same as good parenting.

There's a big gap between what most do as 'gentle parenting' and hitting your child.

I completely agree. You wouldn't hit/'smack' (people call it a smack as it sounds slightly better but it is hitting) an adult if you weren't happy with their behaviour and they are the same size as you... perhaps that's partly why and why hitting (sorry smacking) often stops when the child is big enough to hit back. There is an article in the news today quoting peadiatricians saying there is no evidence that smacking is harmless to children.

Exactly this!

Oh believe me I known what actual abuse is, but I think my father didn't want me to grow up the kid with no friends who other kids won't play with . The kind of kids who are aggressive tend to be friendless or easily bullied. He didn't want that for me.

The fact you think he was right and that it wasn't unreasonable to stamp on your bare foot is worrying. Your home life was abusive, as you've said, and this act was part of that. It's not a normal thing to do a child and I'm sorry it happened to you.

Is it really bad to hit your child? Yes, it is. Who else do you think deserves a smack, any adults, or just kids?
There's a gulf between gentle parenting and physical violence ffs

I think there's a balance to be had.

I've never smacked my kids and never wanted to / been inclined to. Whilst I was smacked as a child and I don't believe it impacted me, I do think it's assault and unnecessary.

That being said, I think gentle parenting doesn't work and it has led to a complete lack of resilience in teenagers and young adults who tend to focus inwardly on their feelings instead of problem solving.

I did a mixture of time outs, natural consequences, screen time bans, etc. I've been the parent who has taken a child home from a nice activity because they were being naughty. I'm the parent who put them on the naughty step when they whacked their sibling. There will be some people on this board who see that as abuse. Which is ridiculous.

My kids are in secondary school / upper primary and, without wishing to brag, are amazing, kind, happy individuals who are praised by teachers for their behaviour.

I have Mum friends who did the gentle parenting thing that I've known for 10 plus years and overall, it hasn't worked. These are kids who don't sleep well, refuse to go to school, get into fights, are disrespectful, etc etc. They lack boundaries and resilience and my heart breaks for them and for my friends who vent about their problems they are experiencing.

My husband is an employer and there are significant issues with young people coming through who lack problem solving abilities and who take every attempt at feedback as a personal attack.

I really believe that we're failing our children by not instilling boundaries and giving them the opportunity to fail at things and take risks. It's sad.