Gentle Parenting has failed, lets accept this.

My DM smacked us when we did something potentially dangerous or were very badly behaved (rare). I can assure you I was never frightened of her.

That said, I preferred not to smack - largely because I realised that if I started I might not stop. But parenting should still be strict. DC should know that if they misbehave there will be consequences that they don’t like.

I don't understand the point you are making here. I understand that you come from an abusive background and it has distorted your view of what is acceptable, but smacking clearly didn't work if your brother did it again and many military people are totally fucked up, so that is not an indication that they turned out ok either.

Threatening violence is abusive, and all the worse for an adult to threaten a child.

In fact we had a play date with a ‘gently parented’ child the other day (mum doesn’t call it gentle parenting she calls it something else, but it fits with what described here). It’s a bit of a nightmare as the mum ticks you off for saying normal things (I said ‘good girl’ to the child when she held my hand to cross the road, and was firmly reprimanded that ‘good girl is for dogs, and pressures her to be a people pleaser’).

No. They've learned that assault is an appropriate methhod of 'disciplining' someone. They've likely internalized the message from the adult that they deserved it.

All that adult really did was find temporary relief from their own anger by lashing out at someone weaker and smaller. The smaller someone then ended in believing violence was not harmful, and was an appropriate disciplinary response. And they usually protest that such a lesson 'never did me any harm'.

The evidence of harm is right there within that response. And the fact that so many parents no longer want to teach their children that lesson is nothing but a good thing.

I don’t agree with smacking children at all but I do believe that children need clear boundaries & there have to be consequences for poor behaviour. Parenting isn’t easy but if you put the work in when they are little then I honestly believe that life is easier in the long run.
Something needs to be done regarding behaviour because no one will put up with working in schools in the future & then where will we be? I say this as someone who has worked in two schools recently & I am absolutely appalled at what I saw & left at the earliest opportunity.
My DC are teenagers now & I’m so glad they are nearly through their school years.

I don't know, why was it legal for a man to rape his wife until just 1991?

There is a whole fucking canyon worth of options in between hitting children and letting them do whatever they want.

I think a really big part of it is parents who were hit and demeaned, desperate not to do it to their own kids but having no tools to know how to enforce boundaries without fear/violence and so they end up just letting the kids do whatever.

I think parenting courses need to be widely offered and the stigma behind taking them needs to binned. Parenting is hard, every child is different and it's ok to admit you need some new skills/ideas to raise a whole person. It should be seen as a positive thing.

That stubborn child will still not do what they're told even if you smack them, so what then? How far are you going to escalate your physical punishments and what do you expect to happen when the child grows big enough to hit back?

100% general parenting is completely failing our children and society because we live in a society where other people arnt allowed to tell a child off without the parent sticking up for their child’s bad behaviour.

I don’t think we need to smack children either. I was smacked as a kid and honestly o think whilst I was “good” I acted out as a teen and have an awful relationship with my parents - so much resentment. And I often didn’t know what I did wrong.

We need to tell parents to know their children - the same way that we get to know our colleagues and friends and to have a “toolbox” of actions that displines a child.

My daughter is so so good, but she was a simple child - but she has had moments where she has acted out at restaurants, disrespected an adult, done something naughty ar school- and she knows I will not have it! She knows because I tell her and have a way to ”punish” bad behaviour.

If you do bad in society, we have police - we have punishment. So why on Earth are parents so anti the idea of setting their children on the right path. We will have a self entitled generation that is no good for anyone

No one should smack a child simply because you're angry with them - only for wilful disobedience. My policy of "I tell you once. I tell you twice. The third time you WILL have a smack" - and meaning it - meant that our children could make an informed choice as to whether or not they had a gentle smack on a clothed bottom. Hardly ever needed to do it (thankfully). Only one child was daft enough to make the occasional wrong choice - the other two rarely pushed me that far.

You think that if the parent hit your 1:1 that they would behave better?
Are you certain that they don't?

It's a little worrying that you are a 1:1 with a child and would advocate for physical violence.

No, I can honestly say none of the above applies. I don’t judge my parents for smacking me and I have no ill feelings over it. I was one of 5 kids and it was crowd control.

I’ve never smacked my children, am not an angry person nor do I have a DV relationship. DH has never even called me a name, let alone hit me.

In fact my friends would actually say I’m quite tough and very resilient.

My daughter does gentle parenting and my grandson is very well behaved (outside meltdowns). Her view is a lot of people who say they do gentle parenting are doing non parenting.

This is also the way I brought up, the only time I slapped my daughter she retaliated and I came off worse, now we're really close.

It's not smacking that's missing in many cases, it's the complete opposite, what's missing is a really strong bond that makes the child want to behave for the parent. Gentle parenting done properly can work really well, it's not down to the child's personality and it's not about just letting kids do whatever they like - when it works it's down to the huge amount of time and effort put into it by the parents.

My DS was as stubborn as they come as a kid, as a young adult he'd still cut his nose off to spite his face. He's also autistic. I spent a huge amount of time though when he was little playing with him, reading to him, taking him on walks. He watched no tv before he was 2 and after that only half an hour a day. We had such a strong bond from all the time I spent with him, I never did more than raise my voice and then only when really needed. I might have had to remove him 30 times from pulling the baubles off the Christmas tree with a firm 'not for you' when he was tiny - but he learnt with repetition. He didn't need to misbehave to get my attention or because he was bored and I handled his behaviour in an age appropriate way.

To me that's what gentle parenting is all about. It's about spending a lot of time with your child and taking time and effort to teach them the things they need to learn. If the only way you can control your child is by yelling at them and smacking them then what happens when they go to school? I can tell you what happens because I worked supply in a school where the parents said to the kids said to the kids as they lined up things like, 'you better behave today or you'll get a good smack when you come home'. They were the worst behaved class I ever had.

I was smacked as a child a few times, I'm not traumatised by it but I was very resentful of it at the time. It didn't make me want to behave better it made me want to be more sneaky and get my own back where I could. It's just as bad as permissive parenting which is what I think you actually have an issue with.

It made you think hitting a child is ok, so it damaged you in that way.

My point is that soft parenting has created violent, angry, anxious kids.

Also a lack of traditional family. That doesn’t mean heterosexual parents and I’m not about to do a JD Vance here, but children lack wider family in general. I know so many kids growing up as the only child of one fairly anxious parent who seem more like a friend. All the kids are socially immature or very volatile/fractious in some way.

The rise of behaviour problems in children has many causes but 'gentle' parenting really is not it.

You never leay on bed after being smacked, feeling hurt and humiliated? Like no one loved you or that you were hated and no good?

You never felt frightened to own up to something you'd done wrong because you knew you'd get smacked?

You never felt anxious or worried if someone near you was angry because anger equates to hitting and so triggers your fright/flight/freeze?

You never hid anything from your parents to avoid a smack?

You've never had to work at managing your emotions, especially anger or frustration, rather than resorting to hitting?

I think in some cases it is not down to gentle parenting, it's down to the fact that some parents can't be arsed!

I doubt it. I expect it made them scared of your reactions. And broke a lot of trust.

A nice, didactic (and provocative) thread title you've chosen there, OP, and a whole post full of tired old cliches, churned out ad nauseam for generation after generation, until they've become a joke. I'm sure no one's ever heard the old complaints about the behaviour of subsequent generations, claiming that 'in my day' people were so much better-behaved. Plus sa change. ...

If you were assaulted as a child, have grown up to believe 'it didn't do me any harm' and consequently believe that assaulting your own child won't harm them either, then it has done you harm. It's taught you that assault is the answer to disciplinary problems, is an appropriate response to fixing someone else's behaviour, and is a legitimate means of drawing them into line with your own behavioral expectations. Just try this with another adult and see how far you get.

You're for teaching our own children the same response. By all means do so: there's no law at present to tell you you can't. But as to the strange tone of your post, I doubt you'll find many people will abide by your injuction to 'let's accept' that you are right.

You're not.

I think the point is that there is often no consequence for the aggressor because some excuse or other is trotted out, s/he has 'issues'.

What a load of nonsense, OP. You would almost think there isn't a middle ground between hitting your kids and letting them run riot. This is of course rubbish. Authoritative parenting, that is to say bringing your children up without violence but with clear boundaries and consequences, is the gold standard and it works. Hitting your child just teaches them that it's fine to hit someone smaller and weaker. What you describe is not gentle or authoritative, it is weak and lazy. And yes, there is too much of it - but hitting children isn't the solution. That too is lazy parenting.

I think the biggest harm Gentle Parenting has done is to make everyone think shit parenting is a parenting style and it’s not even Gentle Parenting’s fault!

These threads are always the same. OP posts examples of rubbish, permissive parenting that’s the cause of all the ills in the world, calls it Gentle Parenting while clearly not having the first idea what Gentle Parenting actually is.

I have GPd for almost 10 years.

I have never and never will hit my DC.

My DC are incredibly polite, pleasant and well behaved.

They have very strong personalities and in no way could be described as naturally well behaved. If left to their own devices they turn into Tasmanian Devils. In spite of this, they are still well behaved.

We have very clear boundaries that are enforced. I lose my temper (as do they) just like normies.

Gentle Parenting is NOT letting your DC do whatever they like as they’re “trying to communicate an unmet need”. You’re posting on the internet, do some googling to find out what Gentle Parenting actually is.

How to behave correctly.