Gentle Parenting has failed, lets accept this.

As I mentioned in my previous answer I disagree with you OP and think you are mistakenly talking about permissive parenting not gentle parenting which is also called authoritative parenting so lots of strong boundaries but not authoritarian as in my way or the highway (or a 'smack'). But I wanted to add my experience not really conventional as my mother had issues but generally we were bought up to be really polite and really well behaved. I remember her going to visit my cousins and returning and saying they are terrible they scream at your uncle and are out of control. He was an artist and I couldn't say whether he was permissive or gentle but certanly they had a more bohemian upbringing than we did in our 'how dare you question me, express your needs, say boo to me' environment. I can tell you now that my uncle has a better relationship with his children who have successful careers and are happy. We have a strained/ relationship with our mother and have more health issues and are less sucessful and probably less happy. It's anecdotal but I believe my uncle and aunty took the harder parenting route and bought up a happier family as a consequence while my mother took the easier route and probably crushed us somewhat in the process.

Personally I think gentle parenting is a joke and id never do it. But I ALSO think that's because the gentle parents you read about here are 9 out of 10 PERMISSIVE parents. Who knows maybe those gentle parents getting it right don't have issues to post.

Oh no what will you do when it’s illegal?

How can you condone violence towards your child but then expect them to not be violent in nursery/school/with their peers? How can we rationalise to young children that hitting them because we don’t like their behaviour is okay but that domestic violence within romantic relationships isn’t acceptable? Surely we try to stamp out violence from all aspects of life because it’s is never the answer and is never okay.

I don’t think it’s acceptable to smack children, but I was smacked every day from Year 2 to Year 6 by my teachers in the 70s-early 80s. Most of the children in my school were. We didn’t turn out to be criminals.

You said that you "could not agree more" with the OP who mentioned violence in the first post and most subsequent ones.

I’ve been a parent a while now and can honestly say there’s never been a situation that smacking has entered my head - even as a jerk reaction.

of course there should be consequences to bad behaviour and of course children shouldn’t be allowed to run riot.

simple example: it’s -5 degrees outside and the child needs to wear a coat but doesn’t want to.

permissive parents - allow the child to go with no coat and risk becoming unwell etc.

authoritarian parenting - shouting / forcibly putting the coat on the child

gentle parenting - explain why they need to wear the coat, give a visual of the temperature eg. The weather app, explain as there parent you cannot let them go with no coat as you are responsible for their health, explain when it will be okay to take the coat off again.

I’ve used gentle parenting 90% of the time - I will not claim to be perfect and voices do get raised on bad days (I will ALWAYS apologise to my children if I, as the adult, let it get to that point). I will explain why I think I lost control and allow them to opportunity to be empathetic. Gentle parenting works, it takes effort and control from adults and I honestly think that’s the reason people push back on it (either that or they misunderstand and confuse it with permissive parenting).

most parents are gentle parents whether they are familiar with the term our not, it’s a very natural way to parent

I don't believe those parents are doing gentle parenting as I understand it. They're just lazy.

I absolutely agree. I’m a millennial and was definitely smacked on the bum a couple of times when I didn’t behave. I remember them though, it definitely was more between the ages of 5-7. My mum said she only ever did it a couple of times. My sister received one smack and never got one again. Neither of us are traumatised. Gentle parenting often turns into permissive parenting which is infuriating. I HATE walking around in public seeing children being little shits and parents going ohhhh dooont doooo thaaaaat in a whiny and ineffectual manner. Grow some balls and parent. People are too scared to discipline their children and give into iPads/screen time/bribery rather than setting boundaries.

Absolutely right, @OnlyTheBravest
Grandmother was a teacher in the 1960's era and saids there was a very ''difficult'' boy locally who was completely out of control even at 5 - he did indeed end up in prison {certainly as a young man}.

But yes, there used to be so many children up until the 1990's pre ''Devices'' that still ''played out'' - and definitely this is where socialising took place.

One of the last loveliest things I saw {probably 25 yrs ago} with kids playing out was three girls and skipping rope playing ''horses''...

One girl was driving the two ''horses'' who were high stepping and prancing down the street tossing their manes {hair} - They were so wrapped up in their game, and it was timeless, like it could have been 1799 rather than 1999..

Good outdoor exercise counts of a lot, and decent food.

Smacking and hitting isn't right, but firm boundaries and FOLLOWING THROUGH with a ''consequence'' is crucial.

I think it can be both.

My own (controversial) view is that anxious overly-gentle parenting and lazy screen-dependent parenting are both utterly neglectful and actively damage children and their life chances.

My response was intended as a general observation, not a 'psycho analysis' of an individual. And I hold to it. The lesson that violence is the answer to anything leads nowhere good.

HTH.

Really don't think legality is the "gotcha" you seem to think it is, considering marital rape wasn't illegal until 1992.
Hitting a child is abhorrent. Why would you think it's ok to hit someone who doesn't behave the way you want them to? Is it ok for children to hit if they aren't being obeyed?

My son is nearly 18 & I've never smacked him, he has though had to face consequences if his behaviour were poor e.g missing homework = no PlayStation etc. I think problems occur when threats/consequences whatever you want to call them are not followed through. We do need to ask why there seems to be an increase in poor & disrespectful behaviour & I do think gentle & lazy parenting must contribute to this.

borstal didn't work either backin the 70s

Correct. Cue the thread in however many years time

“My DC Is NC For No Reason”

I don't think it's because of 'gentle parenting ', I think it's because of laziness. It's far easier to hand your child a screen than it is to instill boundaries and good behaviour.

There's also a lack of respect for authority figures such as teachers and parents. Teachers are having to battle bad behaviour by both pupils and parents instead of doing their jobs.

I have an 8 year old. I’ve never hit her. But I will say, I am definitely not a gentle parent. Sorry, I am not going to ask my child if she would like to brush her teeth or have broccoli, corn, carrots or green beans for dinner. I’m the adult I make the decisions, my word is final. There are consequences for actions and bad behaviours and occasionally I do raise my voice. But I also do listen to my child and she knows she can come and talk to me about anything. Children thrive on structure and discipline. She’s great in school, no problems with teachers or other children and she rarely misbehaves at home. I think you have to find the balance

Why is everyone acting like their are just two ways to parent?

Not 'gently' parenting doesn't mean you then start being violent to your child.

mine are 15 and 18, and the 18yo is autistic.

I have NEVER laid a finger on either of them, and they're both mostly very well behaved, beside typical teenage pushback, so you can take this sentence and correct yourself.

Oh OP. I'm a Gen X parent where smacking was the norm in my childhood, with kids who are 13 and 9 - each of whom has been through various phases of defiance, boundary pushing and one at least has the potential to just spiral into increasing bad moves and bad behaviour if left unchecked.
Smacking is illogical. If non-abusive hitting as a corrective worked, my siblings and I would have had a fuckload fewer smacks and might have smacked each other less. It doesn't make a tonne of sense to tell a kid "I'm allowed to hit you in circumstances I deem are appropriate, but there are no circumstances when you are allowed to hit someone even if they've done something really wrong."

The punishments I remember from childhood aren't the smacks. One off, only hurts for a moment, whatever. Much more effective are the more swingeing punishments and consequences for behaviour that hit home for a lot longer and created a lasting impression that doing x, y, or z was going to make life significantly less pleasant.

The other issue with smacking is that you can really only use it up to a certain age and then what? You've taken a simplistic approach to discipline that leaves you without tried and tested gradations of how to deal with bad behaviour.

There is a huge amount of space on the continuum between "gentle parenting/limited punishment" and smacking/hitting. I don't agree with the "punishments don't work" people - but I think they're a lot more effective if they're tailored to the situation and the child, they're clear and consistent, and the parent/child relationship is clear.

I would never hit my child but I do believe kids need strong boundaries or they don't feel settled.

I have experienced quite a few 'gently parented' kids as both a Mum and as a teacher and, well, let's just say the disrespect and contempt from some has been really shocking and the nonchalant reaction from parents to their poor behaviour even more so.

Teachers have come to expect it, which is sad in itself, but I have to say the amount of kids who just ignore basic requests from parents has driven me mad while around friends and school Mums. If your child hears you say 'please put your shoes on' (usually in a pathetic, pleading tone) a good 10 times but continues to run off and do anything but, you have a problem and that problem will run over into school. The sheer inaction of these parents is a straight up shot in their own foot.

A couple of times I've lost patience with these performances in my home, handed the kid their shoes and said 'Put them on - Mum's waiting' and the shock on the kids face was really interesting. Another time a child (year 5 at the time) threw food on the floor while round for dinner and then when asked tot pick it up sneered at me and said 'You do it'. They were really rather unimpressed and. again. shocked when pud was refused until they'd done as requested. These kids were, unsurprisingly, the kids that were an issue at school and really struggled to maintain friendships.

My child, like all kids, is far from perfect but I'm glad I can say they know right from wrong, listens to us and treats others with basic respect.

Considering the way quite a lot of adults behave, I think that the problems started way before gentle parenting was a thing.
Im also gen x, my earliest memories are of violence.
Hitting children for not behaving is not the answer. Parents acting like actual grown ups probably is.

Permissive and passive parenting is NOT gentle parenting - which definitley does have repercussions just not physical and corporal punishments.

and yes I have parented through 5-8 mine are now 12 and 16. And yes I have also had a stubborn child but understanding him and what parenting works has worked very well. And never once have I come close to hitting them

because that is key parenting - something which is difficult and frustrating and can at times bring you to your knees is what is needed to get them through. Not this passive crap that people assume is gentle parenting

If you have to hit a child you've failed as a parent. Study after study has shown the psychogical damage smacking children causes and if your argument is that you were smacked and are fine - you clearly aren't because here you are advocating for other children to be smacked.

Go touch some grass.