Gentle Parenting has failed, lets accept this.

I've noticed this. I find if I'm very gentle and loving , acknowledging feelings etc , child will not listen. When I raise my voice and very firmly correct the behaviour, they listen. I certainly wouldn't smack a child , but they do listen when I'm firm

Yes, we should smack children when they misbehave.

And my husband should be allowed to smack me if I don't do what he says.

And my boss should be allowed to smack me if I make a mistake at work.

And random strangers in the street should be allowed to smack me if I get in their way by accident.

After all, how else will I learn?

No, I don't think we need to return to smacking. As a teacher, I would prefer parents to say No to their children, mean it and stick to that no.

I've raised 5 children to adulthood and I can tell you, you don't teach children anything by hitting them. In my experience, parents smack their children when they are angry, have lost their temper and feel at the end of their rope - that's not a calm and measured response.

Children do respond to calm consistent discipline and expectations. Will they be perfectly behaved all the time? No. They're still learning how to control their emotions and they will have times when they are overwhelmed. The best way to deal with it is through consequences and removal from the situation. Giving time out to calm down and then a calm explanation as to why the behaviour was unacceptable.

If you smack a 5 year old (for example) and they continue the behaviour, or laugh, or hit you back, what do you do then? Hit them harder? Smacking is the inadequate discipline that parents resort to when they are out of ideas.

I don’t think you really understand the difference between gentle parenting and completely ineffective parenting. Parenting effectively takes work. Ineffectually wringing your hands while Crispin terrorises people is not gentle parenting; it's ineffectual and lazy This, with bells on.

I was smacked as a child. And it didn’t do me any harm. But it was very much used as a punishment, which just made me try harder not to get caught. It’s shutting the stable door after the horse has bolted. I don’t smack, I don’t shout and I don’t negotiate. And I will never, ever give in to a tantrum. If they so much as sniff a sign of weakness or hesitation, they’ll push their luck forever more. There are boundaries set in stone and there are consequences. And that works over and over again.

Why was marital rape still legal in the UK until 1992?

Yes, as is the case with MN, people are mis-quoting you to make you sound bad.

(a) I have a kid towards the end of that age bracket and never once have I even considered smacking her

(b) I would call myself a gentle but very firm parent and my kid is very well behaved both at school and at home

(c) Your friend's difficult 8 year old is not evidence

(d) If you want evidence as opposed to anecdotes, there are numerous studies (which you can 100% go and find yourself via Google) to the effect that corporal punishment does not improve behaviour

(e) Gentle parenting is not letting your kid do whatever they want without boundaries

I’ve gentle parented long before it had a name. My adult ds and my teen ds are lovely people, caring and sensitive while also being self aware and assertive. What you describe is not gentle parenting.

This is not gentle parenting, this is neglectful parenting.

Gentle parenting still has consequences for actions alongside explanations and communication. People say they're gentle parents but they're actually just neglectful.

@Zod666 I think you misunderstand the idea of 'gentle parenting'
Which is to raise confident, independent and happy children through empathy, respect and understanding, and by setting healthy boundaries.
I never hit my children, and yet they knew the rules. So misbehave, even 5 minutes into a trip to Legoland they had one warning to behave - or we went home. I only went home once.

I suspect many parents today just give in to their children, and don't stick to their own boundaries. They also don't interact with their children - look about and parents are glued to their screens! Not talking to their children, showing them things or being interested in their children whatsoever, instead they let their children do whatever and rarely call them into line.. or just stick them in front of their own screen - which much of the time shows absolute rubbish!
That's the failure of today's parenting.

Who is the you? The OP?

Do you have children? Do you hit them? Why are you so desperate to encourage other people to hit their children? Bit weird.

Gentle parenting is what the majority of people who say the do gentle parenting do

Which is miles from what it was meant to be

Those kids were not 'gentle parented'.

Gentle parenting is not pleading with your child. I have never once pleaded with my child to do anything. I've been clear where something was a choice versus not a choice. Putting on his shoes - not a choice. Putting on his coat - a choice (unless it's dangerously cold). Don't put on your coat and get cold - ok, that is a consequence of your choice.

Children who experience actual gentle parenting would not be shocked to receive a stern instruction to do something that is not a choice. Because part of gentle parenting is about guiding your child through what is a suggestion or an option, and what is non-negotiable.

You obviously don't have a clue what gentle parenting is.

I’ve worked as a Nanny for twenty years and obviously never smacked a child. And absolutely managed to control their behaviour and teach them right from wrong in a calm and in control way. I’ve never shouted.

It is easy to have well behaved and well mannered children without using physical punishment or shouting…… if you know what you are doing. Children need to know that you are in charge, that there will be consequences for bad behaviour and lots of praise and reward for good behaviour. Back when I trained as a Nanny we used the phrase “calm authority”.

The problem with “gentle parenting” is that the phrase is totally misunderstood/misused. Many people use this term for people who are actually using the “lazy parenting” technique. Or the never saying no technique, or the not being in charge of your children technique.

There is a wide spectrum of successful parenting techniques between being a shit lazy parent……….and smacking your children and using fear.

The real problem is that there are loads of lazy parents, and loads of people who haven’t been taught how to be good parents from previous generations. The result is wild kids.

I used to get the cane and in the end it was just a normal part of school. I got the cane a lot of the time for not eating my school dinner if I didn’t like it.
To this day I don’t like liver, mushy peas, meat in general (I still gag at the smell of cottage pie and bacon makes me heave) Christmas pudding is also banned in my house.

It didn’t teach me anything.

If you had to be smacked everyday then obviously smacking didn’t work

I think you've answered your own question OP. If it's down to personality then the parenting approach may not make that much of a difference.

I grew up in a culture where smacking was the norm. I was very well behaved. My brother on the other hand was extremely difficult, and no amount of smacking changed that. Looking back I'm pretty sure he was on the autism/adhd spectrum. He is pretty much no-contact with my parents now, suffers from depression, and self medicates with drugs.

Can you accept that some of that is luck rather than whatever you did? I didn't smack, spent lots of time with them (although I had to work) didn't do anything different. People would say how great my first was, he'd sleep 12 hours a night, not picky about food, never had to move things so he wouldn't break things. The second one barely slept, was a terrible eater, was a nightmare if he could get hold of anything he'd break it, spent hours in A&E having him patched up after he'd jumped off something or smashed something and cut himself. He's fine as an adult but my God the early years were hard.

Good parenting is obviously a help but the child's personality also comes into it.

@Zod666
it really depends on what you mean by gentle parenting. Hitting your kids is not a good idea in my opinion. You say you were hit and it hasn’t affected you - I will take it at your word. I was and it has affected me. Gentle parenting, for me, is about talking to your children and ensure they are heard and feel like they have a voice but ultimately what you say goes. The reason why kids are out of control isn’t because parents practice gentle parenting but all the stimulation and exposure they receive that previous generations didn’t, in my opinion.

We see it differently. Not saying no to a child because it's easier to give them what they want, is lazy. As I understand gentle parenting, it involves boundaries and maintaining boundaries takes work.

Parenting effectively takes work. Ineffectually wringing your hands while Crispin terrorises people is not gentle parenting; it's ineffectual and lazy.

You need a backbone to parent effectively and you need to be consistent. That's hard work.

no it didn't, it only taught if they do X, then Y will happen.

When actually they should have been taught that, they should be doing Z in the first place.

That doesn't mean to say other people don't, or that children of people posting on this thread won't.

I agree with what you've said in other posts about gentle parenting being useless, but as you don't smack your own children, presumably you agree that it's wrong. So I don't really understand the point of your post here, it's bordering on 'never did me any harm'... 🤔

Well balanced adults can usually work out for themselves how best to respond to their child (and each child will be different). "Parenting techniques" are a bit dodgy because they imply adopting behaviours that are not part of the parent's own personality. Listening intently to your baby and responding attentively to his/her raw emotions (which is all you have to go on) doesn't come naturally to many new parents and tbh that is the message that I think needs getting across rather than "technique".