Gentle Parenting has failed, lets accept this.

We have a forum that condemns violence in relationships, yet some want to hit a child.. What a strange view to have.. No hitting each other, but it's ok to hit your child..
Disgusting.

I was listening to super head Katharine Birbalsingh on LBC this week and she completely nailed what ive always felt about Gentle Parenting. The upper Middle Classes come along with a new parenting ideology. They have the infuence and suddenly we are made to feel our own methods aren't suddenly good enough. I think about the people we know who subscribe to this and all without exception dont live in the same reality as most! We have this one friend who is always all over the newest parenting theory. Tried to give us advice about flying with little kids... Solution was take your live in nanny on holiday, stick the kids in economy with her and travel in First 🤣 ah, Im just grumpy after another nightmare World Book Day 🤣

If nothing works that would suggest he is not developmentally ready to meet the standards she is expecting . Maybe he has SEN, or maybe he is acting out due to some other upset in his life. Or maybe her standards are unrealistic? It depends what the behaviour is. Inflicting physical pain is not the answer .

I'd be interested to see your research in this, as this is something I researched myself during my Master's degree studies. What makes you say that hitting a child is effective? Whose studies show this?

Try being a boomer! My DM would slap me all the time. Teachers threw things at you. I agree hat smacking should be outlawed but what will happen? Children taken into care even though social workers can't cope already? Compulsory parenting classes that won't actually have any consequences if not attended? Fines that can't or won't be paid? Sorry but education has to be the better way. Maybe ongoing face to face parenting classes that you get rewarded for?

Where I grew up a boy tried to blow up our school. Ended up almost killing a poor dinner lady. In the other secondary school in our town a girl was stabbed in the bathroom by another girl. The same girl who ended up murdering someone else and became the youngest female convicted of murder in the UK...she may still hold that title. Oh and this was middle class Surrey in the 90s. Just because bullying and beatings are plastered all over social media now, doesn't mean it didn't used to happen before.

There are no plans to do this. GPs have asked for this but it’s unlikely to happen.

The laws are just about to change to make smacking completely illegal.

It makes your child afraid of you. Their behaviour doesn't change because they understand why it's wrong; it changes because they're afraid of the consequences. Then they learn that hitting is an appropriate response to anyone doing something they dislike.

It’s like to land you in custody in the not so distant future.

It is perfectly reasonable. It's the most effective form of punishment.

Can't be arsed to read the full thread, but proper Gentle Parenting with proper boundaries and discipline absolutely does work.

It is highly unintelligent to assault children to get them to behave. It shows a loss of control and a complete lack of education in child behaviour.

I've reported your comment OP. You come across very rude.

Quite.

I don't know how much more evidence there needs to be for people to stop justifying hurting their own children. The charity leaders, paediatricians, behavioural psychiatrists, children's psychologists, must all be wrong.

You remove them from the situation.

They miss out on fun things etc.

Consistent parenting, consistent boundaries and an expectation that they will do as asked. Also all the adults being on the same page. You need to know that if you say they can’t have a biscuit and make it clear you’ve said that to all other adults in the house they then say the same if child asks them. That way there is no confusion in the child’s mind. No biscuit means no biscuit, not that grandma will sneak me one, or dad will get one even though mum said no.
Young children don’t need lengthy explanations either. No means no because mum/dad knows best and is in charge.

I think an odd smack has a place in certain circumstances and if you watch other animals most mammals do discipline with physical reprimands so I don’t think our urge to smack is actually unusual when it comes to keeping our young ones in check. Toddlers need more immediate reprimands than older children who are then able to understand the verbal explanations.

I was smacked regularly as a child. I started hitting back. I obviously know that hitting is wrong now. I wouldn't smack an adult who got something wrong at work. Yes children should have consequences but smacking is not okay. Smacking did stop me from doing certain things again but i had no understanding of what i had done wrong.

What if it's not "consequence enough"? You might feel it's a consequence for the two year old to be engaged in a conversation, but the person or people who will miss out or suffer if something of theirs is damaged might not - it has to be balanced and there does have to be an actual consequence which is visible sometimes. I'm not for hitting, but sometimes something stricter than a chat is called for.

I think my kids would agree that I'm not a gentle parent by any measure but I don't smack them! I was bought up with smacks (rare but often threatened) and it didn't do me any harm but there is no way I would do that to my children. We live in different times and it is an abuse of power.

It’s not common sense. It’s illegal in most of the UK. Except for in England where it’s still legal and yet I don’t think your kids are any better behaved than in other parts of the UK do you?

I have got two very stubborn, head strong kids with big personalities who like to push boundaries.

They are also fantastic company, well mannered and considerate of others. That’s the result of consistently following through on consequences. And yes, there have been times where they have ‘spited’ themselves as they dug their heels in.

I have never smacked them.

100% Correct, but you are going to get hung on this forum for common sense!

I suggest she find a different approach and parent in a way that’s more effective for her. It’s sensible to abandon a method that isn’t working. It’s important whatever style she finds adheres to her own individual nature as a mum and doesn’t feel prescriptive, forced or unnatural.

I'm not entirely sure what "gentle parenting" is, as the definition seems to differ from person to person. My parents are very much advocates for smacking. I'm trying to get my 2 year old to use the potty but he has no interest whatsoever. I asked my mum for advice, she said when he says no/refuses to sit on potty just smack him 🤷‍♀️ (I haven't btw). That being said she's also very proud of the fact that at age 13 she got so fed up of being smacked that she hit her parent back one time and she was never smacked again. She was badly behaved at school both before and after this from what she's told me. I'm not sure where I'm going with this, but on the purely anecdotal data of both of my parents who were smacked themselves and are pro smacking, it didn't help them behave. My dad was sent away to boarding school at 14 because his behaviour was so bad, he said his parents thought it would straighten him out (it didn't as it happens he still misbehaved and was either kicked out or nearly got kicked out not sure which it was, and both my parents became hard working decent people as adults despite their turbulent childhoods). Ethical considerations aside I don't think its as simple as smacking = well behaved, no smacking = feral as from what I've seen (& yes I was smacked as a child too), it simply doesn't work. All it taught me personally was - don't get caught! 🤷‍♀️

But your friend hasn’t followed gentle parenting practices. You mention in you OP taking electronics away as a punishment - this is not a natural consequence to something like hitting, and that can be confusing to children as it doesn’t set a clear boundary and they can find making links between their behaviour and the consequence difficult.

your friend needs to get to the bottom of why he’s hitting, in what situations is he becoming so unregulated he gets violent.

how is it not lost on you that punishing children with the very behaviour we want them to stop doing is complete madness?

I would also suggest your friend reconsiders her 8 years olds access to electronics on the first place - this may well be impacting his behaviour a lot.