To really not be enjoying having two children?

YANBU. It is hard OP but it will get better. Mine are now 8 and 4 and this morning I've been to a fitness class and then come home and made myself a nice breakfast. Albeit my husband has been holding the fort. They still fight a fair bit but it's mostly OK. Taking them both out on my own can be a challenge as the big age gap means quite different needs/wants but it's generally OK.

I hear you OP, it's brutal. Mine are 19 months apart ans they're now almost 4 and 5.
I really struggled with having them both at home with me. Once the eldest started school and the youngest potty trained things got 100x easier.
They do still bicker, but I also might get an hour or 2 where they take themselves off to play in another room which is amazing! I'm secretly VERY excited for my youngest starting school in Septemer 😄

I've got a 4yo and 2.5yo and I get it. I have found it easier overall since about 2y when the younger one started listening and now is dropping naps and toilet training and they have lovely moments together but still multiple times a day it's all-out war over ridiculous things. We are just reaching the stage where 1 parent will willingly take both kids out somewhere together. Previously I'd take 1 on an errand but it was much too stressful to have both.

We don't have anyone nearby to help and, when the grandparents do visit, they don't want to look after 2 small children. It actually makes me feel better about the situation. I suppose it's recognition that it's not just me, that 2 kids at once are genuinely not as enjoyable as 1 to look after.

Mine are just over 2 years apart. I’d say it was really hard for the first few years, but now they are 9 and 7 and it’s been much easier for a long time now. Yes they fight, but they play a lot together too.

For me personally life really improved once my youngest was about 3 and reliably toilet trained, no nap, could be reasoned with, doing some nursery hours, essentially out of the toddler stage!

I’m currently sat in a leisure centre car park (at 7.43am on a Saturday) as my eldest has swimming club. DH and youngest are probably still in bed, but even if they’re up, he’ll just have provided some cereal for DD and he’ll be doing his own thing while DD watches tv or does whatever in her room. When I get back at 9.30 we’ll all have a decent breakfast and then I’ve actually got plans at 11am for a couple of hours and DH wants to watch the rugby later. The kids will just fit in with all that. DH will look after them while I’m out then I’ll leave him in peace for his rugby watching. It’s so so different to having a 2 and 4 year old! So hang on in there!

I completely get how you feel. It's a very tough age though. It will most likely get better as they get older.

I only have one child (12), and sometimes I think it would have been nice if they had a sibling to have someone to play with and have that support later in life. But now I am divorced and nearly 40, I dont think that is going to happen.

We have friends whose kids are 3 yrs apart and it is a complete and utter misery, just due to the personality of the youngest. And other friends /family whose kids play nicely together. So it all depends on many factors, but you are going through some of the toughest years now.

Well isn't it wonderful that OP has found a site that is literally called MUMsnet to discuss the highs and lows of motherhood (:

So on the contrary, not pointless at all!

I've definitely found 1-2 harder than 0-1 without a doubt. Mine are nearly 4&6 and although much easier it is still difficult. They are absolutely completely different children. The eldest is academic, quiet and sensitive whereas the youngest is a whirlwind verbal diarrhoea interactive child. So finding a happy medium with them both is difficult.

You did realise kids are hard work. You won't be the first or last person to struggle.

This sentence in itself is a contradiction. We know we are not the first or last person to struggle, and every parents knows it'll be hard work, hence looking for other parents for solidarity and support.

Post seems a little pointless though.

You did realise kids are hard work. You won't be the first or last person to struggle.

They will😅 Mine are 17 months apart and they fought a lot before they were both at an age where they could communicate well, so until they were around 4-5 I'd say. Then we had a nice calm 8-9 years before the stropiness kicked in but I mostly left them to it at that age. Now they are 19 and soon 21 and it's nice and calm again.

I can definitely understand how you feel. Mine are 9 and 12 and it's still constant bickering and fighting and winding each other up. I went out with just one of them the other day which doesn't happen very often and it was just so easy and calm, it was amazing!
Of course I wouldn't change them for the world but I do think life would be so much easier with only 1 child

hugs OP

You do what you need to…

Mine are younger one is almost 3 and the other just turned 1 so my experience might be useless to you 😂

i now only do “morning things” with the kids so we are back home for 1 and nap time or we are driving and nap is in the car.
i don’t care if we miss out on random things held at 2pm they won’t remember anyway…

afternoons I do baking/cooking (oldest helps) crafts and we do imaginative play. Sometimes just sofa and Disney movie

what I also have started doing is to putting the kids on the “same team” so they play vs mummy and/or daddy
eg if we are doing ball games / playing with balloons / tidying etc. they have to “beat me” together. i found my older one really gets into this and likes helping my youngest.

I also get my oldest to “teach” the baby this seems to make her like him more 😅

You have my sympathy OP!

I only have one so can’t relate on a personal level, but I know quite a few people with two (or more!) who struggled at those ages. My SIL has two girls who are 9 and 12 and mostly fine now, but when they were younger it did look like hell at times. She was actually part of the reason I chose to stick with one to be honest 😅

It’s not all sunshine and rainbows though. I’m constantly reminded by people, purposely or not, that he might be lonely growing up / it’s better to have a sibling / how families aren’t complete until they’ve got at least two kids. My DH also wanted another, so I feel permanently guilty that I didn’t give that to him.

Things will get easier, and there are definitely pros and cons with any number of children in a family 🤍

@MumonabikeE5 Honestly, you don’t feel like that. My DD (19) chose a university a 3.5 hour plane ride away ( she got into closer ones, but of course, that was the one she wanted 😂) and it really doesn’t bother us to only see her every few months as we know that she’s happy and doing well. It’s also nice having 1-to-1 time with DS now.

As others have said, it goes in waves. I think you're at a really tough stretch where both are at very different stages and both are at very opinionated stages.

The oldest starting school in the fall will likely really help. In the meantime, is there room to stretch your budget to either add a half day each in nursery during different sessions or to stagger their current 3 nursery days so that they each get at least a morning or afternoon of special time per week? Alternatively (or in addition) if you and their dad are still together can you prioritize having some time with them split between you every weekend? Your older one is at the age where he can understand that being a regular thing to look forward to, but I think it might also really help you to have regular 1-1 time where you get to enjoy each child without feeling pulled in two, and those positive feelings will tend to have a good effect in how you and the DC respond to each other during the harder moments.

Just to reiterate what others have said - these are peak tricky ages when you have two. But give it a year and you will find that it gets easier and they will play together. And then give it another six months and you may well find it’s much easier having two; at that point, they can genuinely entertain each other and play proper games together. I remember the first time we were able to sit down with a drink, watching on as our two had fun together - and it’s genuinely lovely. And I know you can’t guarantee that siblings will get on, but if they do, the bond they have and the fun they have together is amazing. I can honestly say that watching the bond between my two has been a stand out highlight of motherhood. So hang in there. You have so much fun to come.

Mine turn 2 and 4 in May, so very similar ages to you. Lots of refereeing, but we're getting there now - my oldest asked my youngest if she was finished playing with a toy that was near her the other day rather than just grabbing it and knocking her over. Nearly choked on my sandwich in shock! Hopefully yours aren't far off either.

You'll be able to meet other mum's with similar aged DC and can seek advice from them, what they do to get time alone

Also seek advice from the Health Visitor, or contact your local council's family hub? Try to get out and do activities separately, like babies together, (up to 12 mo), or together, like stay and plays ( up to 5 yo)

Plus, will they ever stop fighting??

No, but they will get easier to bribe and separate.

Honestly I'm not sure they ever stop fighting (I still argue with my brother sometimes when we're together). BUT there's so much nice playing and working together and helping each other as well. The balance shifts and it's great.

One and Done is what many are choosing, I never wanted more than one because I liked a peaceful-ish life..DS needed a lot of exercise and if one had a second child who hated exercise it would have been a pain. {He's grown now} but one is definitely easier and has a lot to recommend it, especially as so many adult siblings don't get on, or are estranged.

My friend who is an only child, with a happy relationship with her parents married an only child with a more complex relationship with his parents, and they both insisted on having two kids. That being an adult only child is intense. And I think that will be even more true given we have had our kids more than a decade later than our parents.

I had a similar age gap between my eldest two and they are best of friends since they were primary school age and up (now adults and still close). It’s hard work now while they are little but could be worth it in a couple of years.