Why does no one like me?

I find in most circles such as work, mum groups, social groups, clubs etc. I don't seem to be able to make friends beyond acquaintances. People seem interested at first and then drift or send signals that they aren't interested in being friends which is of course fine.

It's an issue in my wider family and sometimes me - ADHD and dyspraxia is common.

I've got better at small talk and and making acquaintances with age and frankly watching IL over years - my parents really struggled and often discouraged me joinging in groups and doing things that would have developed my social skills as I was "shy". So my DC are better at it all than I ever was - as they've had good examples and we've worked in those social skills though many of their friends have truned out to be ND.

However in right evironment I can and do make friends some that lasted - as do my family.

With pfb made load of Mum friends - took time but happened. We move and nothing I did worked - posted about it on here and got told must be me or lack of effort - but when I said where I was so many others piped up who were NT that they'd had issue there as well. There are some communities where your face just dosen't fit as you haven't grown up in them or been there long enough or got right background somehow - so it's not you but them.

You say you are intense. Maybe this is the clue. Try to relax, speak more slowly and smile and laugh more. Ask questions, but not too many.

Don't worry, making friends can be difficult. Suggest you join an art class or something similar then you have a shared interest. Good luck!

OP, I gave very honest feedback to an acquaintance who asked me a similar question to the one you’ve posed. I’m not usually a blunt person but in this case I thought it best to be honest. She asked me why I thought she has few friends. As several people have mentioned, I told this person that I suspects she struggles with because she shows zero interest in other people. Conversations with her are very one sided. She can talk nonstop for long periods of time about her own problems or non issues (her neighbours cat is annoying, the guy she is dating has bad breath..) and very rarely asks how people are doing. As a result people avoided her. To her immense credit she is trying to change.

I am not saying this is you but as others have asked, do you tend to take an interest in others? Engage in basic chit chat with them about their lives? If you come across as a bit intense and only wanting to talk about yourself it is difficult for people to connect.

What was your family like? Were you made to feel loveable and worthy? I recently discovered that my lack of friends is partly due to the way I was treated as a child. I was constantly put down and made to feel not good enough. When my parents died, my siblings took over, making me feel I was unloveable. The result of that was that I could never allow myself to get close to others as I believed that they would eventually come to dislike me. All my friendships would fizzle out because of this. Like you, I told myself that people don't like me. Since I have had this realisation I am not so self conscious (I didn't realise that I had this constant chatter in my head telling me that I'm not good enough. I try to ignore it now). I find myself making the "first move" with potential friends and being less awkward in conversations. It has been an absolute miracle.

The above is just a longwinded way of saying that my sense that people didn't like me was mostly in my head. Unless you are an awful person, which I doubt, there will be someone out there who wants to be friends with you.

Not saying that OP fits into any of these categories but there are definitely obscure reasons why some people don't really click that aren't directly related to neurodivergence or appearance or personality.

Agree 1000%. Neurodiversity is not the answer to everything. Not every one in life will be your cup of tea and you in turn will not be liked by everyone. If we had the power to read every ones mind I'm sure we would all be in for a shock!👀

Jesus - are you me? I could have written this post...
Now in my late 40's ... it's mostly me and the mutt - I'm happy (mostly) 😁

Couldn't say it better.👏

I also apparently have "a nose up", which is nonsense, my confidence was non existent until about 42 yo and "don't let people close".
I don't mind at all.

OP, is it a massive problem?
Close friends can be pain in the arse, especially if you have your own at that moment! 😊

I haven't read all the answers, but try reading some of the personality books. I read one once to understand working with others and there are 4 different personalities (probably tons more but the book i read explained the 4 main ones), it taught me to understand others thought processes and how they behave so my need was to not speak to them how I think but to side with them in their thoughts if that makes sense.
I enjoy hill walking by myself, it gives me peace! I don't really need or enjoy company that much although i do socialise due to family but it isn't natural.

I don't have strong connections with lots of different people. I dont go on girl holidays etc, never been interested. I have three good friends, that I see maybe three times a year. They are the same as me - I love seeing them but I could not in any circumstances be in their pockets, ring them all the time etc, that is not who I am, and that is not who they are. I can sustain intense friendships (or what I see as intense!) for a while but not on going. I was diagnosed with ADHD two years ago and this is is quite common. I sustain friendships with people who are similar to me, and that is fine. Know you and who you are.

This. I have ADHD. Adult friendships can be hard because everyone is busy. Reading your posts make me think yep, neurodivergent. Find hobbies you like, preferably with other ND people.

(I've not read the whole thread.)

You sound very like me, OP, and I'm an introvert - as is roughly just over a third of the world's population apparently.

You're generally quiet until you have something to say, but you're not shy or retiring and perfectly able to speak up for yourself if you feel the need. Small talk probably bores the pants off you - and if you do find the strength to go to large gatherings and parties it probably takes you a couple of days to recharge.

Overthinking can be a problem occasionally, and I suspect this is why you've posted. I really wouldn't worry about what other people think; introverts don't need a huge number of friends, just their own tribe. Once you find your tribe (and you'll be amazed where you find them), life falls into place.

Accept that you can't please people all of the time and life becomes so much easier.

The most popular people, like the most people.

Studies have been done on this. A person who has loads of friends tends to be outward looking, more interested/ focused on others rather than themselves and they're the type of people who if you mentioned a name e.g - do you remember Jane? Their first thought would be something positive about them; oh Jane - the lady with the lovely smile/interesting job/funny sense of humour rather than - oh Jane - the lady that cut me up in the car park, the lady that didn't return a smile that day, or even simply - who? etc etc.

They think more positively about other people, even difficult people, even people who most people dislike - they are always actively seeking that one nice thing about them. Their default is to look for positive traits rather than negative traits.

They also tend to be confident, open body language etc they view all other people as interesting.

So say they're at the supermarket and see Susan their first thought is - oh look it's super Susan, wonder how HER dog is now after that operation last year. I must go and say hello to HER. SHE'S such a lovely person. Oh she's just walked past and not noticed me - supermarkets are such busy places and she's probably like me lost in thought......Susan! Hi! It's been ages! It's so good to see you! How are you? How's your lovely dog?

Rather than - oh it's Susan, I wonder if she remembers ME. I wonder if she'll say hello to ME. Maybe I should wave, but she hasn't waved to ME. Maybe she'll think I'M weird or ignore ME if I did. Oh she walked past and ignored ME. She doesn't like ME. No one does. I'm going to go this way and hopefully avoid her now.

That's internal monologue - and the difference between people who make friends easily and those that don't is what's going off inside your own head.

When you think about it and think about the people who make friends effortlessly, the people who everyone seem to like, the ones who seem to just rock up and instantly everyone flocks to them and it all seems so easy for them. This is their key trait. And when you're talking to them, you feel good because they are honing in on all your key positive traits and they focus on all the topics that make you tick and happy - if you're arty - they're asking questions about art. If you're sporty the topic is on sport. If you're bookish you find they've opened a conversation about books. You walk away and you feel good.

For these kind of people - they get pleasure from making people feel good.

These people are rare as most people are focused on themselves, but they do exist.

They just approach people with a genuine caring nature and interest - they aren't looking to gain anything.

And like every personality trait there's a spectrum - people who score really low on this will have less friends. People who score higher will have more. People who score full marks will be super popular. If you can nudge yourself up the spectrum by interrupting your own negative internal dialogue- you can/will make more friends.

Have a look at Vanessa Van Edwards - she has a website the science of people. And she's done Ted talks and lots of podcasts on YouTube. Her whole career is based on the science and psychology of likability.

Do you put into friendships? By that I mean do you invite, organize, suggest get togethers outings etc? It came up on another thread that people, including myself, get fed up with friends who don't put into the friendship. The reason they don't is irrelevant it's a basic social code for adults, give and take, not take,take,take. That aside I think friendships evolve from shared interests, hobbies etc so focus on what you enjoy.

I kind of identify with what you say OP. I think I might have ADHD. Lots of people say things like 'she's a bit much'. I talk a lot and get quite excited in conversation..not intending to be rude or take over but people need to be quite outgoing and loud to 'match' my energy. Which they obviously sometimes dont feel like.

So yeah, I don't have many friends. The ones I do have are great, and I know they appreciate me for being myself, even if I'm quite different and peculiar seeming to many others.

I'm certainly not prepared to change my personality or sense of humour in order to try and be more popular.

I've also always had older friends. I get on better with gen X and boomers than I do millennials or younger. I probably feel I was born about ten years too late? If that makes sense!

Anyway I'm sure there's nothing wrong with you at all. You're just a bit different.

No im saying people judge others by what they see in passing so im NOT saying there's something wrong with OP to why people "don't like her" or that she has some sort of undiagnosed Autism/ADHD

After leaving school, it's definitely harder to meet like-minded friends since everyone’s life and interests can be different. You really have to take the initiative to find people who share the same hobbies and passions as you.

I think you sound lovely overtime you will make friends it may only be handful but true friends.

I’ve never based any friendship on looks. I’ve had good looking ones, plain ones, slim, overweight, tall, short etc. their looks never come in to it. I suspect that poster is projecting from how they feel about their own looks.

I am the same. Tend to speak my mind. Family calls me tactless. My only remaining friend dies two years ago. Going out and doing things that interest me at least makes acquaintances and provides things to be doing - which helps.

Looks based??? What? Are you saying that unless you are good-looking, you won’t get a partner? What utter rubbish! Sorry, but if that were the case, half the population would be single!
Admittedly, first impressions are probably influenced by looks, but you surely can’t believe what you’re saying!

Not sure if this insight helps but I'm ND and the obvious fact is that it's harder to form friendships. However, I find myself not wanting to pursue friendships with random people for bizarre reasons that I can't quite define but will attempt to below.

The wife of a good friend is a really nice but somewhat aloof individual. There's nothing about her at all that gives the indication she's gossipy, bitchy or has other blatantly unpleasant qualities. But I somehow cannot warm to her because I get the impression she's hiding something or not being the truly genuine version of herself that her outward persona implies. I don't think it's masking as I'm ND and can easily spot other ND people and have no issues at all with that. I feel she's hiding something about herself or her past and "cosplaying" the current role as a great wife and mum to a certain extent. Either way the vibes never seem to click.

Another type of woman that I can't gel with are those who are very outspoken, liberal, social justice warrior types, however there's a hypocrisy between their political views and their personal lives. I know a few who performatively show their disgust for everything related to capitalism, patriarchy, right wing politics, Elon Musk, Trump etc. Yet their own lives are 100% being funded by their partner who is high-earning man (not necessarily right wing obviously) but still they are benefiting from peak capitalism. These women are also physically very attractive and have obviously used it to their advantage to attract a partner who will fund their lifestyle.

Not saying that OP fits into any of these categories but there are definitely obscure reasons why some people don't really click that aren't directly related to neurodivergence or appearance or personality.

I don’t know why you say people don’t like you OP, there is no evidence here of that.
I like lots of my friends and acquaintances, but I am not very good at keeping in contact with people generally.

This is such a bad thing to say, and definitely not true in my experience . I went to an all girls school there were lots of pretty girls who were very shy and not popular when I was there. Plenty of not conventionally pretty girls were very popular due to confidence, outgoing personalities etc.

In my experience, that is absolutely 100% untrue.

Case in point, myself. I would in no world consider myself attractive. In fact, I'm pretty close to ugly. But I know I have a good personality. I've never had a single issue making, or keeping, friends. I have plenty of lovely friends, of varying levels of "attractiveness". Ranging from life-long soul sisters, to fun work mates.

I'm sorry you feel so held back by your self-esteem. That's really sad. :(

I don’t have any friends outside of work and I don’t see my work “friends” outside of work either. I could if I initiated it though. I work public facing and I think by the end of a day I’m all peopled out. I’m terrible at keeping in touch with people too, my dad was in the forces and we moved every 3 years so I think I learned from a young age to just let people go.
I’m very close to my mum and will be spending the next 3 days with her (got a long weekend off work, hurrah)
My sister and I also have the same musical taste so we go to concerts and festivals together.