Why does no one like me?

One glaring reason jumped straight out at me:

You eat avocado on toast. I don't think I could be friends with someone who does that.

But that aside, you sound perfectly personable to me. Give the evil avo's up and we'll talk 😄

small talk and chit chat is quite important for friendships in my opinion.
Its good to have opinions, as being a fence sitter is quite boring, and I think its great to be passionate about those opinions so you can find the people who have core values that align. Its important to be able to just pass the time with people though and light chatting and small talk is actually really bonding and non confrontational. It shows youre interested in someones day and its a way of showing someone you are trying to relate to them. It diffuses heavy situations and shows cameraderie with people.

I love a deep conversation, but if someone doesnt know how to do chit chat, then it can get intense and tiring and you have to be in the mood for it.

I got diagnosed as ADHD for many reasons.

To understand myself, I'm not a freak or weirdo, I finally understand why I do things differently. I've always been one step out of line than other people seem to walk to the beat of a drum.

I needed a diagnosis to help with adjustments at work. As I've got older, my concentration has been getting worse. In females, our hormones wreak havoc with ADHD and it makes the symptoms worse.

I've been in my job a long time but I was having trouble with staring at a screen for 8 hours and taking in high detailed information. So practical reasons are a big part of getting a diagnosis. I am unmedicated.

Op I also used to have trouble with friendships. As a child, I didn't make a lot of true friends. I had some but were here and there. As I got older and I learned how to do friendship it got easier. In my 20s, I thought any friendships were better than none and I had friendships with people that just weren't good for me. I've had to really put myself first in my 30s and only keep friendships where it was reciprocal and genuine.

I can't stand flakey friendships and prefer ones where I get on with them from the start. I don't nind introverted people as long as can have a good conversation now and then.
I am introverted with big groups of people or people I don't know but am extroverted when it to comes to my good friendships.

I've learned that people like to talk about themselves so when I get to know people, I'll ask them things about themselves, find something we in common and offer information about me too. Then the conversation flows easier. Look for people who are on your level, whoever they maybe.

I'm wishing you the best!

what’s your friends schedules like? people might just be too busy and need you to initiate plans etc why don’t u try meeting people with similar interests or lifestyles and see how that goes? if you are conscious about being defensive or “pretentious” maybe it’s time you spoke less and listened more during gatherings? you might get some cues as well

How are you so sure you’re NT?

when you say loyal I hear that you might come on a bit strong to be honest. Op our generation has the lowest amount of friends because we aren’t what people were before- we interact with less people, have less time to chat, plus of course social media. The more you think about it the more it will be a thing. Hope things improve but try to just enjoy life (I know that’s easy to say)

You sound like me, i have ADHD!

You called me ableist and told me to ‘give my head a wobble’

Id call that an attack, albeit a very mild and inconsequential one. And yet again you’re saying I am being unkind and thoughtless.

I notice a lot of my own personality traits in the OP and I am very much NT. Neither you, nor I nor anyone else on this thread can ‘diagnose’ the OP with something simply because she hasn’t got as many close friends as she would like. It isn’t a catch all for absolutely everything.

Me and I'm lonely. I apologise for the below moan but maybe you recognise something or cpuld take something from it OP?

I really try. I ask about other people, remember their kids names, try to organise casual meet ups occassionaly, put myself out there, try to be pleasant and helpful etc but nothing ever seems to become a friendship.

I sometimes wonder if it's because a lot of adults already have their "friend quota".

But I've also come to realise that I'm just forgettable and a bit "which one is Claire again? Oh yeah, she's nice". I have a lot going on, I'm not dull but I obviously don't capture people's attention. I worked with someone for 3 years and I asked him to sign a passport photo for me and he literally said "have we worked together? I don't know your name.". He was very reluctant to sign it because he didn't know who I was. I'd worked with him for 3 years including directly. It was humiliating.

I'd started going to a club. I wanted to do the activity but also thought it would be a good place to make friends. I'd been going a few months, was chatting with people etc but it was obvious nothing was going to come of it which is fine. Then another woman came in and within 2 weeks she was organising drinks with some of the people I'd been chatting with and they are all now friends. I honestly don't know what she did differently.

However, the positive is that I am comfortable in my own company. I am happy to do stuff by myself and I don't need someone to do something with me. Being independent is better than living your life based on what other people are doing.

It's not everyone claiming to be ffs 🙄🙄🙄

It's just that there is a lot more of us than people think.

How did I attack you?

Your post was very unkind and thoughtless at best. I am not being defensive - I don't feel the need to apologise for who I am. I was offering an opinion based on actual lives experience.

Don't be so hard on yourself. You need to stop thinking like this or it will become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Plenty of hugely pretentious people are VERY popular!

You don't want to be in with an 'in-crowd' or part of a squad. They often thrive on drama and there's usually a Queen Bee type person at the helm. Who has the energy for that?

Just relax and take life as it comes. Do your own thing, be yourself and let go of these assumptions. Hobbies are good way to meet people. I see nothing wrong with being friends with people who are older than you, either. A lot of people are very lazy with keeping up with their friends these days. I have probably 3 that I don't see very often. But I spend my evenings reading and watching TV with my cats and I'm happy.

Ime, people find it hard to make friends if they are a) too intense, b) people pleasers or c) transactional (keeping close tabs on ensuring everything from doing a favour to paying for coffee, as if friendship is an exchange of tokens.)

I've been guilty of all of these in the past. I now just get on with life and if people like me and I like them, we spend time together. I make an effort not to be intense as I no longer want that in my life.

I have diagnosed ADHD and I used to be terrible with time keeping in my 20s. It's because things take us longer than we actually realise.

I recommend using your phone calendar for several reminders of meeting and timers for each task you do. Always give yourself an hour longer than what you normally do. Plus check google maps if you drive before arriving anywhere, as it can tell you an approximate arrival time and also if busier due to traffic. Also everything you need to go with, keep in one bag and leave anything you need to take with you near your shoes.

I wouldn't keep friends if I didn't learn to work around my disability.

Me too

I firmly believe you get the friends you deserve. If you are a good friend you get good friends. Being a good friend means genuinely being interested in other people and wanting to be a friend.

A diagnosis made a huge difference to my life. I understand myself, I am kinder to myself.

There is a reason for why I am like I am. That beats hating myself any day.

OP honestly don't worry, you're fine the way you are. You'll find your people at some point.

I'm an undiagnosed neurodivergent so to your average person I come across very shy, and when I come out of my shell, very eccentric. People find me offbeat. I struggle with small talk as I just don't understand how to do it, most people won't want to hear about my latest obsession, and most people's idea of small talk isn't sharing their opinions on the current government 🤣😭 I am also described as intense. I feel like an absolute alien in many settings where others seem to make friends easily, such as mum's groups.

Do you have any hobbies? It's easier to make friends if you're into the same stuff. I'm a massive board game nerd, and I've really found my social group now, and I've helps that lots of people into board games are also neurodiverse or just very dorky like me.

Also everyone has different personalities. If you have a personality that stands out or is a bit different for any reason, more people will dislike you. But some people will love you for it. And that's okay. Not everyone can be one of those people everyone seems to love. I've made my peace with it and found my niche.

As I have got older I find my circle has got smaller and I tend not to make new friend . I would say me and my friends tend to begin communications with sorry I've not been in touch - I think modern life does make it harder because so many people are working longer and longer to survive. I do find social media despite its many flaws does allow you to touch base regularly so it is probably not that people don't like you.
In my different friend groups I find there is usually an organiser - the person who takes the initiative and says - how about meeting here at this time and then we all go along with it.
I have also found that because people are so busy it is easier to be specific - do you want to get lunch - at X at 1pm? rather than oh we need to have lunch which then doesn't happen.
If you find groups tiring have you tried focssing on 1-1 meets.
The other thing is do you have any interests? I have found when I am involved in something there is usually the opportnity to meet up outside of the interest too.

I suspect I have ADHD and it's taken me many years to realise I've stood back because I think people don't like me so I seem stand offish. For example, you go for a meal with a group of friends, I'd plonk myself at the end because I'd think no-one would want to bother sitting near me, someone would ask if I wanted to see a film and I'd be vague because I thought they didn't really want to see it with me, wouldn't call people because I thought they wouldn't want to talk to me.

I've learned behaviours that help. Always communicated well at work (teacher - a nice one) but never felt I fitted in with real life.

I tried to adapt too much to what other people are lke, for eg when we moved here 20 years ago all our lovely neighbours are very well dressed for occasions. I'd go to lunch in a Phase 8 or similar dress and just not feel me.

Learnt behaviour - I wear what I want (nothing weird, just stuff I'm comfortable in) and think about what I could chat to people about in social situations.

For the first time probably in my life (my parents moved a lot when I was young and I'm an only child and my mum was a bit odd - thought she was a bit above the others in the village and my dad was a vicar) I've got lots of lovely proper friends I have things in common with.

Stick with it and be yourself. Good luck - it can be really hard and lonely x

I think it can be a combination of lots of things. Perhaps where you live and work you haven’t found your ‘tribe’ of like minded people. Lots of friendship groups such as school mums are very superficial as when children move on they don’t stay friends. Same with workplaces. You get on well due to a shared workplace but once you leave there’s not much in common.

I also think there are those that put effort into friendships, making arrangements suggesting days or nights out and doing all the booking/hosting etc. and those that are happy to come along don’t ever arrange anything, which can be frustrating.

Have you considered you might be neurodivergent? I have similar fears/experience and have heard that neurotypical people are able to tell someone who is 'different' almost immediately and that can really inhibit your ability to form friendships. I have had a feeling all my life that I was alien and just found socialising somehow harder and less successful than all my peers. I am ADHD and it makes a lot of sense now. Most of my friends now are also neurodivergent and it's really helped me find 'my people'.

This is a great post @ZebedeeDougalFlorence

Some people grow up thinking they are not worthy of love or friendship. I'm glad that you realised you are perfectly likeable and could have friends

Yes, I don’t think there’s anything mysterious about the fact that it’s perfectly ordinary for people not to like some other people.

I’m trying to think of someone I met recently and didn’t take to, as an example. I met three friends of a friend recently at an event, having never met them before. Two I liked and would be delighted to run across again, one I didn’t like.

Of the two I liked — one was a warm, intelligent middle-aged academic running as a local councillor for the Greens, and we had an interesting conversation about the challenges of moving countries with a school-aged child, which we’d both done around the same time, and returning to a home country after a long time overseas. The other was a middle-aged, unemployed Frenchman who was outspoken, funny and completely upfront about having spent years living off older boyfriends and the challenges of trying to find work for almost the first time in his 50s ‘now that I’ve lost my looks’, and who was also visibly interested in what I said, and a good listener. It wasn’t a one-way ‘performance’.

The woman whom I didn’t like was an Italian of around my age. I didn’t take to her because she was self-absorbed, dull and obsessed with finding a boyfriend who would treat her according to some vaguely princessy-sounding rhetoric. It was her only topic of conversation other than her dog, and she didn’t like being challenged on some of her assumptions (‘women who don’t dye their greys have no self-respect’ ‘women with children let themselves go’ and such). I thought her window on the world was limited, and that she was a bit of a twit.

But you know, someone else would like that. My friend lived in the same building as her during Covid, and they bonded over dog walking and being childfree.

From the people I've talked to about this...it helps them make sense of past social interactions that went wrong. It also is better to say...well, I'm autistic, than, well, I am so flawed no one wants me as a friend. It is about being at peace and self acceptance, and learning why you have certain behaviours and how to better cope with them. It also helps you recognise your strengths.