Why does no one like me?

What would make you think others see you as a bit pretentious?

I wonder if you are worrying about a problem that isn't there? You say you have close friends, just that they are abroad, and that you have less close friends/acquaintances in your daily life.

I don't think that it is as common for people to have the close groups of girlfriends that you see in books/on films as you may think.

I've never been part of an 'in-group' but never felt friendless or that people disliked me. I think that friendship groups can change over the years as well eg when you have young children, you tend to spend more time with other mums, or work friends can come and go. I have a best friend I've known for 40 years but even our friendship has been less close at times because we were in different life stages.

Perhaps relax a little and don't over think it. I wonder if you are coming over as a little intense? Sometimes keeping going with contact with acquaintances or work colleagues can turn into deeper friendships over the years.

I think if it reached that stage, the umbrella terms 'neurodivergent' and 'neurotypical' would have to be replaced by more specific terms to describe how people function, and people who didn't fall into a specific category would just not use those terms.

There's no exact analogy, but take the wearing of vision-corrective spectacles as a comparison. More than 70% of adults in the UK use corrective glasses or contact lenses, so, if you like, it is 'normal' to have defective vision and people with 20-20 vision (in adulthood) are the exception. So, you don't tend to hear the term 'normal' or 'typical' used in relation to vision. Rather, people will simply say 'I wear glasses/lenses' or 'I don't wear glasses' - or they might be more specific and say 'I am short-sighted/have astigmatism etc.'

If similar levels were reached in relation to ND and NT, then it's possible a similar nomenclature might evolve - 'I have a neurological condition/I am autistic/dyslexic etc' vs. simply 'I don't have a neurological condition.'

The one thing I heard a psychologist say which I think is absolutely true is that people gravitate towards friends who make them feel better about themselves. Think about all of the friendships that crack when one person meets a dream partner and the other is single, or when one friend drinks heavily and the other healthy-living makes them feel bad about it, or friendships that work because all of the guys are cheating on the stag do etc etc etc. The one who isn’t is the one who gets frozen out.

So, your gut instinct is that people find you pretentious and intense. Rather than seeing that as something you can’t change, try to think about what might that mean for them? Do they feel thick or uneducated when you chat? Do they feel challenged and on the spot because you pick holes in their views? See if you can unpick what it is that’s occurring. What were the last conversations like before someone went a bit frosty? Once you’ve worked out what it is that’s making people feel a bit crap, you can then consciously minimise that when you chat to them. When you think about it, we all like it when people make us feel liked and funny and interesting. I suppose the skill is making people feel like that even if they aren’t! You sound nice, OP - I think you have enough self-reflection to be able to change this dynamic.

Yes, you actually make a good point. I retract my statement.
However, if only a small percentage of the population was classed as NT, wouldn’t that by definition also be diverse?

Maybe people are scared of you.

I agree, diagnosis made a huge difference to me. Also, I have a ADHD CBT counsellor, I go to a support group, and I am able to access things that have a direct impact in how I organise my life. All my life I felt that the key to how to do things that other people seem not to struggle with was just out of my reach. Now I know I could never reach it in the same way that others can, but I can have my own tools and ways of doing the same thing. Totally life changing.

Only if a majority were diagnosed with one particular neurodivergent condition.

Do people not understand that if everyone was diagnosed as ND then that would actually become NT and vice versa?
Think about the difference between the words ‘typical’ and ‘diverse’

Nah, I know what you’re trying to say.

I am certain I am NT because I have never been diagnosed with ND.
I have never been diagnosed with ND because I do not feel the need to.
Why?
Because, other than life’s inevitable ups and downs, I can cope with my life how it is and how I am. I do not struggle in any areas of my life in a way that I believe needs to be pathologised. I am content.

Are you suggesting that everyone should go and see if they can get themselves diagnosed with ND ‘just in case’? I feel that would be quite the waste of time and resources

But well done in attempting to patronise me, it didn’t work.

Bless you. I’ll leave it at that.

I know my own mind

I find general chit chat exhausting

I think most people see me as a bit pretentious and possibly too intense

In just a couple of posts, the OP drips quite a bit of info that I find quite telling as to why she finds friendships difficult to maintain

No it sure how on earth you can be with this view on life

It'll be looks based sorry to say. There's nothing you can do about it.
That was my biggest realisation & what finally let me let go of the constant confusion-desire of making friends before all the "pretty privilege" stuff became common thing & but was relatively confident

Scirocco
I don't think I've ever made or ended a friendship based on looks. I would, however, end a friendship if a person shows needless cruelty towards others.

I agree 100%. How someone looks makes no difference to me whatsoever, it never has.
I have ended friendships because of behaviour, though, such as rudeness or racist attitudes.

You say you would change your plans in a heartbeat to support a friend if they needed you.

By "friend", there, I suppose you mean a "real friend".

And what is a "real friend"? I imagine you mean someone who you would change your plans in a heartbeat to support.

The kind you don't have any of.

I personally would die for all my real friends, by which I mean friends I would die for, of which I don't have any.

You see how this works? I know lots of people with whom I am friendly. How many "friends" I have depends entirely on how you define friend. A lot of people who say they don't have many "real friends" are just applying the same level of criteria as the person waiting for the Handsome Prince to sweep them off their feet and marry them. It's unrealistic.

Because I have never been diagnosed with ND. It’s pretty straight forward really.

I’ve noticed sometimes people who say this have what could be an unrealistic idea of middle aged female friendship.

i have a job, family etc. I have lots of friends, a couple of ride or dies and plenty that come and go who i really enjoy spending time with for ie dinner or a summer bbq, weekend away etc.

it’s nothing like the intensity of teenage or 20s relationships. Lots of people say “I’d drop anything for them!” I’m a 45 year old woman, I don’t need friends who would drop everything for me. I don’t need anything dropped.

This expectation of the friendships being so intense and involved very much reflects the way I judged friends at 18 (would they come and rescue me in the night? Yes? Good friend! At 45- why TF would i need rescuing by a friend in the night? Who would want to be friends with a drama llama nighttime rescuer?)

maybe think about your expectations and how realistic they are. You might find you already have what you’re seeking

I feel like I could have written this myself. I’m in my early thirties and haven’t really got any friends as such. I’m starting to feel ok with this as I’m recognising that maybe I don’t want the pressure of friends to keep up with. My life is busy enough with three children under 9 to keep up with.
Socialising exhausts me, when I do meet up with someone for a coffee I come away with my face and shoulders aching and I can’t do anything for the rest of the day it zaps me. I know this sounds strange!

Me and my husband know three couples we meet up with for dinner every few months which is nice but I don’t speak to them much in between. I really like them but I don’t really have much to chit chat about. My husband keeps in touch with the men as I think he’s a lot better at being social than me and has built friendships with them.

I’ve realised I probably don’t put the effort in so people lose interest in me - or maybe I’m just boring!

No advice but you’re not alone! I think it’s more common than you think! Those with friendship groups just shout about it a lot

What do people with autism find hard about small talk? Genuinely interested. It's such stock phrases - How are you? How's the family? Lovely weather,isn't it? etc

Think people stretched to max now. Its not you op. Out of 4 us 3 are juggling the elderly nobody is free. People flaky too no date must meet upxx type of texts which I cant be ass with!!

Sorry, I've done the usual autistic thing of talking about myself. It was intended to help you by sharing my story.

I'm autistic too. I'd describe myself as very friendly and I can manage a bit of smalltalk on a dog walk these days but I have a big tendency to overshare and be very honest about myself. I'm not blunt though and I don't give too many opinions. I think people like me but it's only really other ND people who want to be friends. But that suits me because I only want to be friends with ND people. I don't really make any effort with anyone else and I'm not very interested in them. I'm generalising of course....I'm sure some NT people are interesting :).

The pretty privilege thing is partly true in that the better I dress, the more people smile at me. I always make an effort because it makes life easier and more pleasant. The above still applies though and I've not interest in being part of a group of women. Being pretty does mean that you end up with a lot of men wanting to be friends.