Why does no one like me?

This is really interesting and spoke to me.

I also struggle to make friends though I know people don’t dislike me - as in I’m friendly, polite, helpful.

I fit the description of your friend as I know I’m inauthentic, except when I’m very very comfortable with someone. (Not even with my parents!)

When I can totally be myself then I can have a real relationship (just with my husband and my very best friend I’ve known since a baby.

The problem is that I feel it’s impossible for me to drop the mask with anyone else. I have a block about it - I just can’t.

I’ve made my peace with it as I’m happy now and I have accepted myself, but I feel sad sometimes for my younger self who found the no friends situation really hard.

I agree and some people do superficial better than others!

Without knowing you it would be hard to pinpoint.
It could be others being cliquey, but if you’re recognising you could be too intense, maybe you could be a personality that is and shys others away. Or could it be you expect others to make the social gatherings etc and maybe effort on your part is fleeting?
it can be normal to make friends but the long term friendship never quite takes off. But you would hope every now and them come to fruition.
consider practising gentle calm questions and sit and listen to people and be interested in what they have to say.

sometimes friendships take time, people assume having babies helps, but I’ve heard walking dogs is far more beneficial to making friends!

things like volunteering in local shops or litter pickers, walking groups etc are all good ways to meet people.

Couple of thoughts....

Firstly, I think single parenthood is really hard. I think being in a couple is often much easier for making friends. People in couples like hanging out with other couples quite often.

I agree with others that keeping friendships going takes effort. Even if it's texts only, they need sustaining.

I have let people go because they're so busy and I can't seem to fit in with their lives. I'm no where near a priority to them. I would still think of them as friends. I have good feelings towards them all. I just know they're not in the same place as when I met them. It's not that I did anything wrong or they did. We just drifted.

I know several people who became much more family orientated during covid and now don't really see friends just do family stuff. As I'm a single mum, I'm not on their radar.

I have learned to be ok with my own company.

Finally, there is nothing wrong with you. If other people don't like you, it's their business and their issue. You cannot mould yourself into something acceptable to everyone. I can recommend an amazing book. The courage to be disliked.

I don't even think you are disliked. The truth is usually duller. That people are pretty self centered and don't really feel that strongly about you.

Ask yourself what it is you want. Do you want to see your existing friends more? Do you want more friends? Or do you just want to get rid of a nagging worry that there's something you're doing wrong?

Maybe it's all. There's things you can do to go forwards with all these thoughts but what you must do is be true to yourself. The most important person you need to like you is you !

I never take comments like that seriously, to be honest - it usually just means it’s not your crowd.

No. Because it was unnecessary to quote when I had copied and pasted. Making a conscious effort to keep your mouth shut suggests that it is the opposite which is instinctive, ergo OP likely talks about herself a lot. She asked for honest thoughts; why are you more defensive for her than she is?

Average isn’t a disparaging term, or it shouldn’t be. There’s nothing wrong with being average.

I moved with a baby and a toddler and it was really tough! Everyone had made friends at the pregnancy nct stage or were old friends from school. Wait until your daughter goes to primary, we've made lots of lovely friends and my best "local" friend was met that way (to the point we holiday together, see each other most days etc).
Interestingly you talk about friends slightly objectively, as in "I want more/they don't want to be my friend" but not as in "I want to hang out with people who have similar values, or who are interested in the same things as me, or who have a similar hobby" - it does sound a tiny bit like you don't care too much who they are, which may make you appear desperate (particularly if you're a slightly intense person) and not many people are attracted to that. Sorry if that's not true, but I'd suggest (tricky with a toddler) that you try and meet people who are going to want to discuss similar things and go with you to the things you want to do (maybe an exercise class, art gallery, book club - whatever you're into!) It's a better base for friendship and it might make conversation flow better, plus it's less effort staying in touch as you want to do the same things.

But there is an average. There is a reason why we say “the average Joe Bloggs”

In the west the average person goes to work, has friends, has 2.3kids, has a home, has x number of holidays … I’m sure statistics will tell you more - but we aren’t all special or different - being average isn’t always a bad thing - depending on the context,

Ok, maybe “average” person doesn’t sit right with everyone.

Sure, no one is average but there is “mainstream/ typical/acceptable” vs “not” - and I’m trying to find the word that describes when you are “not”.

I say this as someone that has struggled socially in pretty much all settings - and I’ve noticed that there is a “majority” and a “mainstream” and then there are those of us that are a minority and don’t quite fit in.

Like it or not, it exists - the question is whether you fit into the mainstream culture. And this will change depending on the setting you are in - which is why subcultures are a lifeline for some people.

So I guess what I meant is maybe OP doesn’t fit into the mainstream. Because I certainly dont. And I say this as someone that struggled throughout primary, secondary school and noticed that there is a “social code” - a majority can act in this code, and there are few of us that don’t know how to or struggle to. I guess it’s like the ND v NT - NT is probably used to describe the majority at the moment, and there are a pool of ND people with different needs, who for now are the minority.

I’ll add not fitting in for me did cause lots of insecurities. My best friend when I was young was the most social person I’ve ever known, she made friends everywhere and absolutly everyone appeared to like her - and I noticed people like her got further at work, at school, had more friends etc - as we got older I realised that we are just different but she is more “palatable” - and there are lots of people that are more “palatable” in mainstream settings - whereas some of us just don’t fit in. And so I say this as someone that does not feel like the average person.

Hmm friendships take work. I had a lot more friends when younger than I do now, but always felt on the outside, and was never part of a core group.

I found out that I'm autistic a couple of years back and realised that I'd been heavily masking to fit in and be accepted.

These days I have a few individual friends & I see them as and when. It can be a bit lonely but to be honest I have never understood the rules of friendship and am quite exhausted from socialising.

I think I come across as pretty pleasant & when you get to know me I'm funny, good company and extremely loyal, however I am no-one's number 1.

I spent a good while trying to analyse it all and have felt quite hurt, but the older I get the more I realise I just want a peaceful life free of drama. If I reach out to someone and they don't reciprocate then I just leave it. Quite a few previous friends/ acquaintances have dropped away since I stopped being the one that reached out.

I avoid over sharers which you admit to being. it can have many roots either anxiety or an eagerness to please or be ingratiated very quickly and possibly depending on the story them wanting me to feel sorry for them. It also make me feel as if they are bad at keeping counsel why would I share anything with someone who blurts things out. It can also make me feel as if they are a little bit daft as knowledge is very useful, you tell me stuff about yourself without knowing me what if I was the sort to use it against you?

I retired early, all my friends locally to me are still working. So I joined 2 voluntary organisations, tried various walking groups and some other classes as I waited for DH to also retire. I met a lot of new people there were a couple of women whilst not unpleasant revealed on first meeting deeply personal information about finances, romances and estranged stepchildren. I actually said you really shouldn’t share that information with a complete stranger, it was just horribly uncomfortable.

Fair point 🙂
I notice that post has been deleted now anyway 😂

When people talk about others being "up themselves" it's usually about their own insecurities.

There’s no such thing as an “average person” and the very fact the poster seems to believe there is…. Rather diminishes their view on their own strengths!

Maybe she is? Someone has to be

your just not an average person.

no one is an “average person”

You know what - your just not an average person.

From experience I’ve noticed that there are few basic things that the majority gravitate towards - talking about others and talking about themselves.

I quickly learned that it’s not that people don’t like me, I’m just not everyone’s cup of tea. I like deep chats. I like to talk about ideas, I like to visit cultural places. I like stuff that most people would call “deep” but I just find interesting. And guess what, it took a while but my very closest friends are equally as “deep” as me and will go to the same places as me, and enjoy a debate, but are also saw raw and honest, to the point where I know the average person would call it “oversharing” but we are each others safe space.

You just don’t think like the average person - that with maybe some self esteem stuff that we all have, as I’ve noticed people that “make friends with everyone” and social butterfly have almost an inflated ego and a sense that everyone likes them (and they don’t care if others don’t) - I have friends that are social butterflies, but when they are fluttering around, it drains me - but when we have small chats and they finally get to talk about stuff that’s real - we have such a good time.

Im sure you’ve heard this before , but you have to find your crowd. Find people like you. Keep going to social events that receive around your interest and you will find people that think like you too and hopefully value your company.

Something else I’ve learned about friendship is that it’s also things that you do outside the meet ups. Do you help people? Are you there for people? The unspoken stuff is so important to create that bond.

Good luck x

I do tend to talk quite quickly and passionately. I also have a lot of opinions. 😂

i suppose it kind of depends on what’s all the opinions you have are

It sounds more to me like you’re just very down on yourself. Why let one person’s opinion affect the way you see yourself? If a few people have said it then there may be something in it. I once heard someone say that I “never shut up” and that stung because I would quite happily listen to someone else talking for hours if it was something they were passionate about

Reading all your posts, you seem very humble and self aware and intelligent. The sort of person I would absolutely be friends with

I think you've hit the nail on the head.