Why does no one like me?

I'm terrible at making and keeping friends. I simply don't understand how most women work. It used to bother me terribly that I was massively unlikeable, until I discovered that I have autism. Now I understand, I don't feel anywhere near as lonely as I used to. My husband (a neurotypical) gets upset when I mention my friendlessness and says my friends would be upset to hear me talk that way. He's very outgoing and likeable, everyone loves him. I work best as a colleague or team member so all my 'friends' are through work or volunteering, it's nice to have company but I suspect I'm their acquaintance and more 'useful' to have around than someone they consider a 'proper' friend. But I daren't ask. I enjoy their company when I'm with them and don't expect them to value me beyond that. Low expectations means less likelihood of disappointment.

I’m the same but I’m ok with it. I’ve got one good friend that I’ve had for 26 years and a few other friends who I’m not as close with. I’m incredibly low maintenance and honestly could go months without speaking to people. I love being on my own. I only surround myself with people I really click with and enjoy their chat. I do not do mundane chit chat. Maybe the people you are trying to be friends with are like me. It’s really hard to make friends as an adult. Perhaps you could join a club you’re really interested in. A lot of grown ups don’t really go out their way to make friends, people are busy, don’t take it too personally.

How/ where are you trying to make friends? I’m in my early 40’s & intentionally have a very small circle. I attend work/ hobbies locally and am polite & speak to those around me, but have no interest whatsoever in making new friends- I’m happy with my lot. I have 8 ‘ride or die’ pals and have no desire to look for more or participate in idol chit chat that goes nowhere.
Do you think you’re going to places where people may be open to making new friends or perhaps misreading signals? I imagine it’s harder to make new friends as you get older.

I am definitely picking up on autistic vibes in your posts. The "up yourself" part is a give away. Having strong values and being loyal are also autistic traits. Being drained by socialising is another trait. Id definitely re consider this point. 5 years ago I would have thought it was crazy to think of myself as autistic, autism is girls and women presents quite differently than in men and boys. It doesn't matter either way though. What matters is that you are happy. My autistic son has a BBC accent. I don't so much, but it's odd I don't have a regional accent from the area I grew up in, I speak a bit too properly and am called posh when I go back there. I'm not posh though. I'm quite ordinary. Not wearing makeup is very common in autistic girls too! Xx

Maybe you’re just trying too hard. Be yourself, let it be natural. I also find that as we get older people tend to make less friends as you become close knit in the circle you are in, then don’t see the need for new friends 🤣

Do you think you might be autistic? I am similar. I've had lots of friends over the years, but don't seem to keep them. I think me being autistic and not having very good social skills can make other people feel uncomfortable before they get to know me. I am quite intense as Nd also very loyal, but with such intense friendships I think it gets too much for me or the other person to keep.it up. Neuro typical people don't like autistics. It's usually them with the problem.

Same and agree with op. My only good friends are my mums friends kids who I grew up with (weirdly we were all the same year group at school, so we’re our siblings and all our kids are the same year group in different schools too) I struggle to make and keep new friends so appreciate how OP is feeling

It’s difficult to answer because we don’t know you. Perhaps you’re just trying too hard or expect too much. I have a theory that a lot of people are just waiting for a knock on the door, and that just won’t happen; you have to get out and about. And not everybody else’s life is perfect - most people have hang ups about something they just hide them well.

I agree, I've had similar experiences to you, so that now I've got a few close friends that have stayed true to me and that's fine by me.😎

Great post!
I second the hobbies approach. Do leisure pursuits that interest you while checking they bring you into contact with others and this may lead you to like- minded people.

When I was young, before time began, it was assumed people like you were shy: not a great sin. You can be interested in people without being the life and soul of the party.

I am like that - a watcher. But one day I had the opportunity to speak in public, to an audience that would be very helpful to a business I was involved in. My only previous experience was a disaster - best man at a friend's wedding. But everything depended on this. I had to take brandy and a tranquilliser to do the speech. It led to a business that was very successful.

Shyness is not a disaster. It's just part of your character.Don't despair!

Find hobbies which allow you to meet dozens of people, and don’t put pressure on yourself or those connections. Set yourself the target of having pleasant, friendly interactions - not friendships - with the people you meet. Don’t expect too much too soon of those contacts. If one in twenty of the people you’re on smiling, “how are you, how was your week?” terms with develops into a friendship then you’re doing well.

This is very good advice @drhf

Op - you just need to find your tribe.
You should never feel like you can’t be yourself, and the right people will love you for who you are.
It’s taken me a long time to find my tribe, but I have and it’s great.

I'm considered outright hostile when people meet me. Even if I'm smiling it looks like people are anticipating a shark attack. They then fall into two camps, love me or loathe me.

Sorry, I dare not advise you on this. It seems I'm in the same club. Try to give advice and suddenly I get it all wrong and am mumsnet enemy number one.

The posters don't like advice, consider themselves victims if you dare to suggest their actions were wrong.

Just don't beat yourself up. You just haven't met someone you like, probably because you know a bit more about life than they do.

You sound very much like my daughter. She has recently been diagnosed with severe combined ADHD. It's NOT your fault. Do some research and if you identify with what you hear think about diagnosis and coping strategies.

You sound like me. I have got a couple of beautiful, loyal, loving long term friends that I’ve known for decades, but they don’t live near me, so we don’t see each other often & I think that’s why we’re still friends. Ones that live locally seem to think I’m wonderful at first, but gradually, gradually the friendships dissolve & I never see it coming. It usually happens at a point where I feel at my most secure & content with them & I wonder if I relax too much & show a side of myself they’re not keen on? Also, I’m quite boring & a bit negative - I love getting a good moan off my chest. I realised recently I’m probably autistic & explains why I don’t really get people or how they react to things & that my reactions are a bit more brash - I lack that layer of diplomacy other people have. I deal with it by giving myself time to grieve the end of the friendships & accepting it & then I try to be comfortable on my own company. Sometimes the friendships revive or new ones appear. I hope you get the result you want ❤️

I think it can often look like everyone else has loads of friends when in actual fact most people have a handful of great friends and it sounds like you have a few lovely ones.

While you are looking inwards - do you think other people consider you to be an energy giver or an energy sapper?? I have a few energy sapper "friends" who are generally quite negative or glass half empty and I always find myself rather gravitating towards the ones that feel like sunshine and limiting my time with the more negative ones..
Sometimes people don't even realise that other people view them as negative or they can just be exhausting to be around if they are particularly confrontational or always complaining.

Maybe your a bit needy

Not knowing you were just speculating.

But are you too agreeable? Disinterested? Neurodivergent? Boring? Do you share your inner world enough and let people in? Do you present as too self contained?

Maybe you need to find a hobby you enjoy where you could meet people with shared interests?

I have a friend who I love dearly. She’s the sort that you could ring at 2am and she’d be there as I would for her. However she is SO self opinionated about and criticises EVERYTHING. Im Perimenopausal and super sensitive so I just find I’m absolutely raging every time I see her. I replay conversations over in my mind wishing I’d said this or that to stand up for myself. However I could never hurt her feelings so it’s all very difficult

I've only ever disliked 3 people in my life, and I don't know if any of this will resonate...

Person A - Not a nice man it turned out... hr just gave me an eerie feeling. My spirit would just go cross whenever he appeared, so try as he may, I just didn't engage with him.

Person B - woman was a terrible gossip. She'd tell me thi gs I knew for a fact she shouldn't. Couldn't keep any confidence for anyone, so I cut her off as I can't abide untrustworthy people.

Person C - Lord, I could write several books about her family. I knew all about her, the husband, in-laws, cats, dogs - EVERYONE!
Absolutely nothing was sacred. She just talked and talked and talked and talked.
I'm sure she couldn't tell you anything of substance about the rest of us she was talking at, because she was always droning on about herself and her family.
When my friend pointed out that it had become so obvious to the group I tuned out every time she opened her mouth, I knew I had to distance myself.