Why does no one like me?

To be honest I think that making the jump from friendly to friend takes an act of service of some kind.
So you have lots of friendly acquaintances, and then one day you, or one of them, experiences something awful, or is in a difficult situation, and somebody steps up to help. They didn’t have to, it wasn’t expected, but they chose to be there. That’s the sort of thing that kicks friendship to the next level I think. So it’s kind of down to chance.

Yes same here. Oh we must meet. Im always reaching out. Nobody wants do anything now..... Then you get told join things. No replies on group apps. This morning had coffee alone its just easier this way. Christ its tiring

This is such an interesting thread. I really resonate with what you are both saying as I feel like sometimes I'm the only one doing the running! I pulled back from a couple of people last year and one did reach out so I'm still in touch with them and meet up etc. The other one I let go of.

I think with ND we often pick up things from 'below the surface'. I had this experience recently and was out with someone. I suddenly realised that she really doesn't like me! I could feel it. It's more that she doesn't understand me because I'm different from her and she assumes things because of that so it's her own projections really - but now she just doesn't really like me! I could literally feel it in my gut, it's a very odd sensation!

You see, I would automatically like someone who routinely used a phrase like ‘creepy or Uriah Heepy’.

Without wanting to sound creepy or Uriah Heepy, I have started telling the people I am close friends with why I like them. I often think “oh S will be there -it will be a great night” or “J is such a brilliant hostess. She puts everyone at ease”. Or “D’s kids are such a credit to her”. But I realised I didn’t voice these thoughts. Now I just say it. Not all the time and not obsequiously but I think everyone wonders to some extent what their friends and acquaintances think of them, whether they care or not. Telling friends what I enjoy about them or even just that I really value the friendship helps oil these relationships and I am of an age where time is limited. Everyone gets a little lift from a compliment.

It is hurtful, isn't it 😢, knowing you don't feature on anyone's list.

My school friends are all still married and have grandchildren. I've been divorced for 20 years and had my kids late in life, so no grandkids - and, therefore, no busy family life. People who have never been on their own have no idea what it's like, and they don't need me because they have a busy personal life.

I did this too. I realised I always text them first and arranged drinks etc. So I didn't. No drama or big fuss over it. I just didn't start the chat.

They never text me. It's been 5 years. I guess we weren't friends after all. It still hurts. So, so much.

Last year I bumped into one of them at an event. We had a laugh. She text me after to talk about the event (not to ask where I'd been or what was happening with me). I replied politely but briefly. Maybe she was trying to start again but it's too late. I know where I stand.

I'm not going to do that to myself again. I deserve more than that.

I once saw on a programme a boss asking some people, whose jobs no longer seemed relevant, to sit or stand still for a day, and do no work. If nobody noticed, then they were obsolete (subsequently, he reallocated them to make better use of their skills). I tried this with everyone I considered a friend - some long-standing, others relatively new - and I heard nothing in months. Some people have yet to get in contact (this was about 3 years ago). Not one person noticed, no-one asked if I was all right. I could be dead in the kitchen, being eaten by my cat, for all they knew... People only got in touch again by replying to me (I caved in eventually) and not one person asked where I had been, so I clearly was not even on their radar.

I am outgoing, funny, have wide interests, etc, but I consider myself friendless - probably for the last 12-15 years (I am in my early 60s). It's shit, to be honest. If I don't keep up the contact, there is no relationship; even if I do, it's nigh on impossible to get anyone to actually go for a drink or a walk ir go to the cinema or theatre or anything, quite frankly. I've joined groups, I've really made an effort, but nothing...

All these methods of communication and the world is full of lonely people 🙄

I heard somwhere on youtube, that the secret of popular, liked people is that they actually really like others and show it.
So they get excited when they see others, reach out to them. People feel liked snd valued around them.
I am not like that too ;)

I'm much the same as you @Avotoast9
My daughter, in her late 30's, has just been diagnosed with ADHD and my son is mildly ND, I think that it's just who you are.
Does it bother you? I occasionally feel it would be good to have more close friends, but most of the time I don't even notice. I think I might be lonely without my DH, but he is similarly relatively friendless and it doesn't bother him either. We both have loads of acquantances, we're happy to see each other but it simply doesn't go any further.

You sound perfectly lovely and friendly. I find that sometimes along the way I have met people who I like and feel I could be friends with, but at that particular time I don’t feel I have the time or energy to give to them, so I don’t pursue the friendship further, outside of the ofd coffee or walk with buggies. I don’t see my older friends or family enough, so it would be really hard to make time for a new person, and that’s nothing against them or about them, it’s all on me. That was more when my kids were very young. I never made lasting friendships at baby groups (although I did through Nct), and that was fine. There are usually meet ups through facebooks for superficial friendships or meet ups if you need general company.

Since my kids have been going to classes (baby ballet, gymnastics), I’ve been casually talking to a mum at each of those classes and over time at those hourlong sessions, we’ve developed a friendship and now we are starting to suggest play dates outside of those classes or drinks after work. Those people and friendships are ones that haven’t been forced and have developed naturally, which feels right and I would put energy into them. If someone was too keen to meet up regularly when I didn’t feel I had the time, I would back off.

Also I’ve made friends with the parents of my kids friends through play dates and get togethers.

maybe if your child is very young, the people you meet are not in a space where they can give you their time and energy, but that as your child gets older and you do classes and play dates etc, there will be people with whom you develop natural friendships and bonds with.

do you think your close friends, one of whom you speak to daily, don’t “like” you OP? 😕

I think a lot of people would be happy with the ‘regular company’ you describe, which may lead to closer friendships?

Are you neurodivergent? I have ADHD and quite a number of autistic traits and I was exactly the same as a younger person. I still have very few friends but actually prefer it that way now.

We have people over to dinner, luncheon, tea. We just never get asked back. My wife is a Coeliac so cannot eat any Gluten, I do not eat pork or shellfish.
A) we do not know what to make for you two it is so difficult
B) you cook too well we could never do anything like that
It is not that we are too involved with generic events, and we have tried to develop meaningful relationsghips, but when people sit at your table, and make arrangements to go out together and NOT include you, what do you gather from that??

I think it’s natural for other people to make different frievds and organise other events. It’s not that you’re invisible, but rather they have struck up a deeper friendship or share interests. Is there anyone you particularly like? Or would like to get to know better? Organising generic events is very different to developing meaningful relationships. Perhaps put more effort into the latter?

We live in a Retirement Village. We organise the monthly Bingo, Theatre outing, movie show, Jazz evenings, Quizes, Wine Club, Informal gatherings. Without us there would be very little entertainment as the Trustees actively discourage it.
When we had plans to move, and they fell through loads of people said we are so glad that you are not going.
We see people going into others houses, hear how a group went to dinner, to a local wine estate for luncheon, for a drink. But somehow, we become invisable on these occasions.
After last nights quiz, six of us were left. One couple asked the other to come home for a nightcap: but we were not included.
You come to a stage where you cannot ignore that fact that when you are not doing for others you just do not exist for them.
I am not looking for sympathy, but sometimes it just sucks

It’s a difficult age when you have a young baby and before they learn to speak. They are too young for you to go out very much or at all, too young to keep you company, and it’s still very tiring. I was friends with other mothers with babies much of the time, at this point, and developed stronger friendships later when I had more time and energy. This isn’t you, but a life stage op.

Wow. First of all I'm a retired pirate/yacht master so to speak.

I must say that's a very brave thing you've said

I think you have made a few mates on here already.

I've been alone, but never lonely . .

It gets better kid . . Hey I'm ya mate

So maybe that's part of the problem, that you are very tied to your child at the moment (quite naturally). I imagine you mostly meet people through other Mums or at work. Maybe you don't get to meet your type of person, and perhaps unsure as yet what type of person you are, when not a worker or Mum.
If you can't get out much, perhaps you could follow a hobby or interest online, which would bring you into contact with people with similar interests?

Great post - I came to the conclusion it is as simple as that, how much you enjoy being with various people regardless of their faults, even if friendships ar not deep.

Even if you can criticise them to other friends. yet still find something enjoyable about their company and overlook the rest, that's what my mum i like and she's got many friends. As you can guess, I'm a lot more fussy about people. So tend to have a very few but close friendships with those I like more deeply. I wish I wasn't as fussy but how do you change...

For all you posters that say No one likes you let me say I LIKE YOU ALL be nice to yourselfs as much as you can.
Your real true friends are still to come.

Perhaps you are focusing too hard in building up close friendships,instead of building up interests. I really don't have any very close friendships. However ,I have plenty of regular company through my Leisure Centre . My Aquafit buddy and I have a coffee and catch up every week. I go to the Theatre with members of my drama group. Have lunch with members of my choir. I have three freinds who began as colleagues 25 years ago that I meet once a month for dinner.Maybe try developing interests first . I'm fortunate enough to have my husband and my sister that I am out and about with too. I don't really need more. Relax and enjoy life!

Beg to disagree, Waterweight.
I have a face like a bulldog, am fat, dress like a bag lady, and I have loads of friends.
I do really enjoy other people though. They are an endless source of fascination to me, and I’m not shy. I think these features help. Also, I tend to assume that people are going to like me, and if they don’t I figure that if they don’t, it cannot be just me that they don’t like, so the loss is theirs.

I think the trick to making friends is finding others that are actively looking to make friends too.
People are much more receptive to friendly overtures if they too are actively seeking to make friends. That’s partly why joining groups can help.

FWIW OP I think loyalty is a lovely feature in a friend and that would win me over totally.

i’m the same - i bet you are great , let’s start a friend group we can be the click online … be nicer to yourself !!!!