Why does no one like me?

But that’s how my autistic brain works. I do try to remember to ask questions about others. I also seem to be drawn to other NDs so we “get it” and are similar in conversation styles.

Well, if you habitually don’t talk about yourself, and always boomerang the conversational focus back onto the other person, then of course you’re not on their radar, because you haven’t let them know you. There’s nothing to get a purchase on. The questions you list in this post don’t sound particularly interesting or well-intentioned, though, and I can see why you found them intrusive. But presumably that’s not every conversation, in every group, though?

If I were auditioning as a friend, I wouldn’t have the remotest interest in whether you were in a relationship with your baby’s father or your income/s, I’d be thinking ‘Do I find this person’s conversation interesting, and would I like to talk to her again?’ But if you weren’t really saying anything, I’d move on.

That's interesting. I hate talking about myself but it seems other people do too! In some contexts, (for example a group of mums meeting for the first time and getting to know each other), I've felt like I'm under interrogation. I always feel I've said too much but not because I volunteered the info. My philosophy has always been, if you ask a direct question I will give you and answer but that's not worked out so well recently - probably something I should work on 😅 "where's the dad?", "oh so you're a single mum?", "do you have any family support", "it must be really hard financially without a second income. When are you going back to work?".
I try and dodge the questions or flip the conversation but at that point I usually want to run. It sometimes seems like they are trying to suss out whether I am friend material and then get rejected 🤦That's been the case with many of the muns I've met at the baby and toddler groups, bar maybe three or four who Im still on friendly terms with.

That said, I think this thread has helped me see that it's probably not that people don't like me so much as I'm just not on their radar, or that I am simply less important to them as they are to me. I don't know whether that's a good thing or bad thing tbh 😅

(Re-reading my post because autocorrect is changing mums to nuns, apologies if I missed one!)

I talk about myself because that’s what I know.

But... we generally ask questions of others to learn about them. Focussing on talking about yourself as that's what you know sounds very insular and lacking in curiosity. Neither of which encourage connection or friendship.

I talk about myself because that’s what I know.

But... we generally ask questions of others to learn about them. Focussing on talking about yourself as that's what you know sounds very insular and lacking in curiosity. Neither of which encourage connection or friendship.

Same line of work but the relative was higher up the food chain. I wouldn't have mentioned her at all only the acquaintance directly asked about her but then got frosty! And I literally just answered the question asked it certainly wasn't gloating or anything 🤷‍♀️

I talk about myself because that’s what I know.

But... we generally ask questions of others to learn about them. Focussing on talking about yourself as that's what you know sounds very insular and lacking in curiosity. Neither of which encourage connection or friendship.

I’m autistic with ADHD and could have written your post. People exhaust me. I love being sociable but I know when I’ve had enough. I’m terrible at small talk, don’t see the point, and I talk about myself because that’s what I know. My friendships have always been quite transient really and I’m ok with that.

There I go again, talking about me! What do you feel that you’re missing?

I love to give compliments to strangers, you know if someone has great shoes/jacket/hair, whatever. That will often be as far as the interaction goes but it makes me feel good, and hopefully gives them a boost too.

Without wanting to sound creepy or Uriah Heepy, I have started telling the people I am close friends with why I like them. I often think “oh S will be there -it will be a great night” or “J is such a brilliant hostess. She puts everyone at ease”. Or “D’s kids are such a credit to her”. But I realised I didn’t voice these thoughts. Now I just say it. Not all the time and not obsequiously but I think everyone wonders to some extent what their friends and acquaintances think of them, whether they care or not. Telling friends what I enjoy about them or even just that I really value the friendship helps oil these relationships and I am of an age where time is limited. Everyone gets a little lift from a compliment.

We live in a Retirement Village. We organise the monthly Bingo, Theatre outing, movie show, Jazz evenings, Quizes, Wine Club, Informal gatherings. Without us there would be very little entertainment as the Trustees actively discourage it.
When we had plans to move, and they fell through loads of people said we are so glad that you are not going.
We see people going into others houses, hear how a group went to dinner, to a local wine estate for luncheon, for a drink. But somehow, we become invisable on these occasions.
After last nights quiz, six of us were left. One couple asked the other to come home for a nightcap: but we were not included.
You come to a stage where you cannot ignore that fact that when you are not doing for others you just do not exist for them.
I am not looking for sympathy, but sometimes it just sucks

the acquaintance I just mentioned in my posts had asked about a family member's job just prior to becoming frosty so maybe that was the final nail in the coffin!

But should you have to downplay a relative’s job, to avoid upsetting someone (if I’ve understood correctly)? If your relative is a consultant neurologist you shouldn’t have to pretend they’re a petrol pump attendant!

More people should do this! It’s utterly perverse how shy we are (particularly in the UK, I find!) about being nice to people we care about.

It’s interesting reading everyone’s comments here.

One thing that strikes me about the ND friends and family members of mine who often tell me they feel lonely and excluded, is that A LOT of their default social chat is about how they prefer animals to humans, or how much they hate groups / hate socialising / find people exhausting / infuriating / shallow / stupid.

Which is how they feel, fine.

But they don’t seem to make the connection that this sends a pretty unambiguous message (to anyone who identifies as human, anyway) that they are not interested in making friends. You’re hardly going to go out of your way to make social overtures to someone who professes to hate the human race and find socialising a painful waste of time.

I don’t think they realise quite how much they go on about this, tbh. I think it’s often an attempt at self-deprecating small talk gone wrong. The tone comes over as bitter and rageful rather than light and quirky.

Without wanting to sound creepy or Uriah Heepy, I have started telling the people I am close friends with why I like them. I often think “oh S will be there -it will be a great night” or “J is such a brilliant hostess. She puts everyone at ease”. Or “D’s kids are such a credit to her”. But I realised I didn’t voice these thoughts. Now I just say it. Not all the time and not obsequiously but I think everyone wonders to some extent what their friends and acquaintances think of them, whether they care or not. Telling friends what I enjoy about them or even just that I really value the friendship helps oil these relationships and I am of an age where time is limited. Everyone gets a little lift from a compliment.

Yes she was more of an acquaintance but I think we both walked away with a mutual understanding that we will never be more than acquaintances. I don't hang out with people I don't like but we were probably sussing each other out really.

I do think late 30s to 50s is quite a tricky time for friendships generally because people are in the trenches with young children and aging parents.

But so what, though? Mners who struggle with socialising and friendships are continually thinking about whether other people like them, or how they come across to others in company, and appear to forget very often to focus on the key question, which is ‘Do I like this person?’

Start with that, always, rather than what someone else may be thinking about you, and you’re far less likely to end up in a situation which is mystifyingly common on Mn, that of having ‘friends’ you don’t appear to like much, and who don’t appear particularly fond of you.

The one thing I heard a psychologist say which I think is absolutely true is that people gravitate towards friends who make them feel better about themselves. Think about all of the friendships that crack when one person meets a dream partner and the other is single, or when one friend drinks heavily and the other healthy-living makes them feel bad about it, or friendships that work because all of the guys are cheating on the stag do etc etc etc. The one who isn’t is the one who gets frozen out.

So, your gut instinct is that people find you pretentious and intense. Rather than seeing that as something you can’t change, try to think about what might that mean for them? Do they feel thick or uneducated when you chat? Do they feel challenged and on the spot because you pick holes in their views? See if you can unpick what it is that’s occurring. What were the last conversations like before someone went a bit frosty? Once you’ve worked out what it is that’s making people feel a bit crap, you can then consciously minimise that when you chat to them. When you think about it, we all like it when people make us feel liked and funny and interesting. I suppose the skill is making people feel like that even if they aren’t! You sound nice, OP - I think you have enough self-reflection to be able to change this dynamic.

But so what, though? Mners who struggle with socialising and friendships are continually thinking about whether other people like them, or how they come across to others in company, and appear to forget very often to focus on the key question, which is ‘Do I like this person?’

Start with that, always, rather than what someone else may be thinking about you, and you’re far less likely to end up in a situation which is mystifyingly common on Mn, that of having ‘friends’ you don’t appear to like much, and who don’t appear particularly fond of you.

This is such an interesting thread. I really resonate with what you are both saying as I feel like sometimes I'm the only one doing the running! I pulled back from a couple of people last year and one did reach out so I'm still in touch with them and meet up etc. The other one I let go of.

I think with ND we often pick up things from 'below the surface'. I had this experience recently and was out with someone. I suddenly realised that she really doesn't like me! I could feel it. It's more that she doesn't understand me because I'm different from her and she assumes things because of that so it's her own projections really - but now she just doesn't really like me! I could literally feel it in my gut, it's a very odd sensation!