Why does no one like me?

It's all or nothing. Think heart to heart serious or bouncing off the walls.

This does sound very intense, and is something that would put me off a friend. Do you think you can work on finding a middle ground?

Some people are just a bit self absorbed to make friends.

it’s all about give and take

Have you ever been in an environment where there were more people like you and did you make friends more easily there? (For example, I found that at university and in some workplaces the people were so much more like me that it was very easy to make lots of friends)

Get an adult autism assessment. The wait could be years on the NHS, but you could go private if you can afford it. If you are autistic, that will help you to make sense of the difficulties you have connecting to people, and you can get support in managing those relationships.

If you’re not autistic, consider seeing a person-centred counsellor who can help you understand what is going on.

Remember that friendships, like dating, are a numbers game. Introverts often focus on a small number of acquaintances and if those don’t develop into friendships can assume they are unlikeable. But extroverts have hundreds of superficial acquaintances, only a few of whom develop into real friends.

Find hobbies which allow you to meet dozens of people, and don’t put pressure on yourself or those connections. Set yourself the target of having pleasant, friendly interactions - not friendships - with the people you meet. Don’t expect too much too soon of those contacts. If one in twenty of the people you’re on smiling, “how are you, how was your week?” terms with develops into a friendship then you’re doing well.

You mention your defences - do you have a hard time letting people in?

People obviously do like you, if you don't have trouble making friends. It's retaining them that seems to be the issue. Could it be that after the initial interest, you don't really take it any further than that? For a friendship to grow, you need to show a little vulnerability.

One thing I would like people to know about me (but I don't always get a chance to show) is that I am fiercely loyal. I would change my plans in a heartbeat to support a friend if ever they needed me. This sounds very intense, do you think people can feel you want a more intense friendship in the early stages? It takes time to get to the 'loyal' stage, surely?

What are your interests? Hobbies? How do you spend your time?

Do you get on well with your colleagues?

How would a close family member describe you?

What do you think a good friendship looks like?

What do you want from a friendship - weekly coffee and cake chit-chat meets, or deep meaningful dinner chat?

Do you find people interesting or a bit boring?

Do you want to change OP? Because we can by all means give you tips to develop friendships? At the moment the thread is somewhat inviting a pile on!

Are you one of those that hates small talk? I find that a lot of people want to stay in the small talk stage for a while and I suck at sticking with it. Do you give up too soon?

Op maybe you are coming across as too intense and exhausting. Delivering opinions rather than opening up about your own feelings? Talking too fast instead of just slowing down and enjoying the time together? Actually allowing yourself to enjoy your time with them, rather than talking at them.

I'm similar. I think it's because I'm not very good at small talk and it's that that can help people warm to you and build connections. I'm polite but can probably come off as stand offish without meaning to. I make an effort with existing friendships, so calls, texts to check in. I use social media to check in on friends further away. I put myself out there by volunteering to practice my small talk. I have a job in healthcare but it's very matter of the fact and to the point which doesn't help me to practice the skills I am lacking in.

Point of my post is that I understand and there are lots of us out there.

Sometimes I wonder if my defenses rub people up the wrong way.

Ooh say more… what defenses and why? Are they up automatically?

OP I went through a few years of having no real friends. If you want them, you’ve just got to keep trying until you find them - let small talk with acquaintances keep you ticking over socially until then. Takes a lot of self esteem and resilience but keep trying!

@Avotoast9 oh,adaptbility......free thinking and a accent that can be thatcheresk sneered at or joanne lumley/chocolatey......
do yu have sisters\bros\extended family.?i feel a bit bd dismissing the loooks based-100 %i can walk into a room of 10 strangers-at least 3 will tut.
i was always aware of this-but pretty unphzed-not bolshi r exuding confidence s such-if i went in rm of 10 strngers probbly had a reason. i am alllegedly black\white thinking.my mouth/typing ahere to that.
I /think serious loyal n bounce of walls is.......underated x

I don't have many friends either, and zero close friends - I get along with people OK at work, I think, but no one is interested in a friendship beyond that. I put it down to being a boring, unattractive person. I am ND and I only really click with other ND people.

In my opinion, it becomes much harder to make close friends once you leave school. Outside of school, friendships are mainly built on shared interests.

Sorry didn’t mean to quote in that post.

I find general chit chat takes a lot of energy from me

I also have a lot of opinions. 😂 Maybe guilty of over sharing from time to time

It sounds like you probably talk about yourself a lot and rub people up the wrong way.

That’s not correct. In my job I have to have fairly close conversations with people, someone who’s stunning looks wise says exactly the same thing as the OP. And I know what she’s saying, she’s quite brittle with me at times, vulnerable, very sensitive but more than able to chuck a bit of fury at someone. I find myself not being able to relax with her. But that’s because she isn’t relaxing herself. I’d think this scenario is far more likely with the OP.

@yourmaw yikes lol

You said you can be pretentious.
What does that mean?

To me, it sounds like you are not fully being yourself. If that’s the case and you are avoiding ‘real’ conversations about things that matter, then you aren’t connecting with them properly and it will feel too superficial.

I have a friend like this (she was bullied relentlessly at school, and created a farcade) the problem is she is never authentic, and I get sick of talking to a fake mask. I stick with it because she is an old friend, but I find the conversations are trite and a bit pointless. I would prefer to be with friends that talk about their real feelings, worries and are honest about who they are.

To develop long lasting relationships you need to be vulnerable sometimes, and show the less than perfect sides.

Do your friends/acquaintances know what you enjoy doing?
Because without the idle chat, people won’t know you. And if you feel that telling them about something you did is boring, they’ll perceive it as such. Even if you don’t think it’s actually boring, if you downplay the narrative they’ll run with the downplay.

How do you perceive people "not liking" you?
Is it important that people like you, if so, why?
Are you polite, friendly, helpful, fun?
Do you "overshare"?
Would you feel differently about yourself, if you thought people "liked" you?