Why does no one like me?

Honestly sometimes I want to find friends but when I'm stuck in the acquaintance zone I often find the people I'm around really dull. I think even when you act appropriately you always end up showing this which doesn't help.

Me too

Hi. Late diagnosed autistic woman. Sounds like me.

I have 2 long term, long distance friendships that are strong - talk regularly/ meet up when we can etc and a DH who I've been with for 20 years and we're great together. I have a wider uni group and we do an annual meet up, WhatsApp chat, Xmas Zoom quiz etc.

However, I completely bombed at trying to make local mum friends etc. I have a few casual friends who I used to work with over the years, who I meet every few months for food.

For me, I think it's a burn out thing. I have to do a lot of recharging, plus I am crap at reading social cues. I think I come across as serious, because internally I am so stressed and trying to hold it together. Not the best conditions for good connection.

Lol. Sorry I didn't mean to make it sounds as depressing & the realisation was more so to be happy with family & random people you meet along the way then relying on friendship groups
but yes. I do believe that the vast majority of people are simply judging people day to day wise more on looks then personality

Yes there are people who don't care/people who can see past things but on a whole it's still a thing

I'm not jumping to conclusions though about wether somebody's autistic/ADHD/add though because that's a whole different ball game & I'm not trying to diagnose the OP or other Mumsnetters.

Just saying....it's probably nothing your doing she/yourself, some people just avoid others in general

I have 2 friends who struggle to make/maintain friendships.

The first I’ve known since school. She is in her 40s, still lives at home and hasn’t ever really worked due to medical problems. She is incredibly sweet, will always be there for you and extremely loyal but because she has no job and no hobbies there isn’t much to talk about with her so conversations tend to be about what is going on in my life. She updates me in what is happening in the lives of her brothers but tbh I am not interested in them - I barely know them. I want to know about her life but very little changes week on week.

The other is mid 60s and thinks she comes across in a very different way than she actually does. She is very attractive, intelligent, fit and able. She has a lot of hobbies which she gets very involved with and spends a lot of time doing. She is a loyal friend and will help out with almost anything. She is good at giving advice on a wide range of topics. However she is very opinionated and won’t let trivial things go such as pronunciations of words. Often her pronunciation is different to every single other person around her but she refuses to back down and accept she is wrong. She will then correct you each and every single time you say that word. So you end up avoiding the subject or using a different word to mean the same thing. She is also very, very needy. She doesn’t like being on her own or spending time on her own so invites herself along to whatever you are doing or guilts you into spending time with her when you have other things you need to do. Now I don’t mind spending time with her, obviously but once one person gives in she repeatedly uses that person as her company time and time again where you feel you can’t get away. When she has a partner this problem goes away and you are dropped like a stone and then don’t hear from her for weeks on end. Then when the relationship ends she is inconsolable and requires a lot of support which I am happy to give but this current time we are 10 weeks on and she still can’t be left alone. It is draining.

Obviously these friends have more good than bad in their friendship but you can see how they drive people away. I love them both and keep in touch on a regular basis and support them. They are good friends to me.

i am sure I do just as much bad things as they do but maybe in different ways.

Ultimately no one is a perfect friend and there is give and take in all relationships.

Its fairly usual to only have a very few close friends, people you can really trust and rely on.

Why, because it states the opposite of your conclusion, but you chose not to copy and paste that bit?

...but definitely make a conscious effort to keep my mouth shut and listen too!

I've realised recently my friendships tend not to get deeper because:

• i'm too busy to invest much time
• i'm actually not someone who needs loads of people for emotional support etc, i don't confide loads, i rarely call people just for a chat for example
• i have a big & quite close family, and will generally prioritise time with a sibling over time with a friend
• i have had a very lucky few years, financially & career wise things have gone well, and my kids have been doing really well at school and in their hobbies. We have no money worries and have had a few lovely holidays etc. I think it can be hard for people who are struggling to be around that and a lot of people are struggling.

That posters wasn’t just “pointing out” anything

to quote directly

It'll be looks based sorry to say.

This is describing me. I don't need people so never really sought them out. It's only as I get older that I realised how isolated I was and now I freelance from home I don't even have work friends to socialise with.

It's taken real effort to be the one chasing friendships rather then sitting and waiting for someone to come to me. I'm slightly anxious so that always made me hesitate to make first move as I was always uncertain if they liked me or not.

Even today I've been thinking on contacting an old work friend but putting it off in case he's bored of me or something.

There's been a couple of people that I have liked so much that I have put a lot of effort into and those friendships have maintained, all be it sporadically.

My advice for maintaining/starting friendship.

Suggest 'getting coffee sometimes' or ' let's get the kids together' or 'oh I'd love to see your orthodox russian iconography" (or whatever they are working on). Don't let them be the one always chasing you.

If they even half suggest you should do something. Take them up on it.

Ask them questions and express interest in their lives, ask follow up questions and show the appropriate emotions. Don't just talk about yourself or immediately say 'OH that happened to me let me tell you about it!. If you do the above keep it short!

Smile and wave if you see them in the street. (I blank people terribly)

If they ask how you are. ASK THE SAME BACK.

Don't get personal too quick. If you are on a long train journey together, yes you can share your long family history but not at the school gates. Leave that for small talk or moaning about work or the traffic.

Find weird niche hobbies and join a group. The weirder and nichier the better. I'm part of a fantasy novel writing group. It's the only group where I have met real friends because they have brains like me. We nerd out on magic systems and writing technique.

Perhaps you’re not popular which is not an important thing. Or if you’re not in a group of friends so the groups builds momentum for meet ups etc, you could be an introvert?

i moved around a lot so know ALOT of people who I find great..however how do maintain those friendships when spread around the country? And these are individuals rather than a group. Could this be you?

I would 1. Look into autism. 2. Join groups of people with similar interests to yours.
I wouldn’t try to fit in with people who are never going to get you. You sound nice. I’m sure you’ll find your people.

@Waterweight i can’t conceive quite how unhappy you must be in life to be of that view

Well I'm recently diagnosed autistic. And I'm coming to terms with not getting on with people because of WHO I am.
The thought that my LOOKs stop people relating to me as well just adds another upsetting dimension.

Along with 99% of the poulation apparently

It’s difficult to say without speaking to you face to face. It could be anything.

I am a strong personality, I have no issue with others who are the same but if they’re very defensive and refuse to consider other opinions, or talk over me, interrupt etc then I won’t like them. I wouldn’t be rude, but we wouldn’t be besties.

people that only talk about themselves: bore off. There are two people in this conversation and we both matter. It’s great your baby was 8kb 12 and you couldn’t believe the size of him. Can I also share the size of my baby? No? We’re moving on to talk more about you? Ok then.

people that don’t share at all: argh! How am I meant to see what I have in common with you? I feel like I am just talking at you whilst you nod. I don’t want to effectively do a podcast here, I want a conversation!

lacking in intelligence means we can’t talk about big things so again you won’t be a bestie there. Lack of honesty, I can’t stand liars.

open, friendly, smiley, good sense of honour? Absolutely yes let’s see where our friendship takes us.

it’s so so hard to meet people as adults. I’m not part of a girl group either but that suits me, too much bitching. But I have lots of wonderful friends - but probably only 3 that I’d go to if my life fell apart.

I have a friend who is autistic and honestly, she's just so intense and also depressing. I realised the other day, literally every single time I've asked how she is, over the 15 years I've known her, she has always responded negatively.

She is thoughtful and kind but I feel pressure from our interactions. She's just sent me another card (not a birthday or anniversary or anything) and I feel it's claustrophobic.

Is there any way you're acting a bit like that?

all. I think most people see me as a bit pretentious and possibly too intense.

a bit pretentious?

OP, as a person with (what used to be called) Asperger's Syndrome, I recommend doing the Sacha Baron Cohen online test - I think you'll score pretty highly!

I would look at the possibility that you are autistic. I would do a free online test and see if it indicates you might be. Then go to your GP. It could help you unlock an understanding of yourself.

That poster is just pointing out that people can be judgemental and shallow. Which they can, sadly.

No one called anyone stupid, they said it was a stupid post.

@Avotoast9 I think you just need to find the right groups for you - I’m not originally from the UK and I really struggled with that.

Last year I decided to focus more in building friendships and it was very hit or miss. Eventually I landed on a group a city over that’s full of lovely women. The women’s group in my town is full of catty women stirring up drama, for instance.

You couldn’t pay me enough to join a mum’s group. My hot take is that being a mum isn’t enough to be friends with someone unless you make it your whole personality.

Some people are warm and friendly and come over as really liking everyone. Most people I know aren't (not that they're unfriendly, they just don't exude that shiny warmth) but I find it interesting when I meet people who are. Sometimes they turn out to be very anxious people, who are masking.

I'm friendly, but not always openly so. I'm a serious person, though I have a sense of humour. I don't like feeling vulnerable so I am wary of showing deep feelings. I also secretly fear rejection though no one, other than my DH, knows that.

My experience is you have to put out to get back - it's not a case of people deciding they don't like you (though some might not but possibly the feeling is mutual). I have literally had phases where I act the part of a gregarious person and have then made friends because of this. When I'm 'acting' it feels natural, it's just not something I can sustain all the time.

I do have quite a few friends, however, many very long term. I make the effort to match their energy - suggest a meet up if they did so the last time, etc. I also accept people as they are - they may have irritating faults (dont we all!) but I'll keep seeing them if overall I enjoy their company. I won't keep going with someone who shows little respect or interest though.

I don't know if any if this chimes with you OP. Do you really like other people? Do you enjoy being in company (I do but as a semi extraverted introvert, I need time alone after a while)? Do you meet people where you have common values and a shared understanding of life in general, rather than just common interests?

I found this post really upsetting.
I know we live in a very materialistic and superficial world but if people base friendship on looks then really what is the point of anything?