Why does no one like me?

🙄 did you miss the bit where autism can involve social communication challenges or did you just want to be ableist

Are you a glass half full or half empty type of person? Do you reach out to friends for a chat or to suggest activities to do? I'm just thinking about two people in my friendship circle who I'm struggling to maintain friendships with despite them deep down being decent humans. One is unremittingly negative and this is getting worse as she gets older. She also will try and find the negative in anything anyone tells her about their lives. It leaves me exhausted as having a conversation with her results in having to police everything I say and having to be overly positive about everything to combat her Eyore approach to everything. The other expects everyone else to arrange everything and moans when they don't which people are fed up with. I've known both of them for over 20 years and i know they are not bad people but they are so self adsorbed and impossible to shake out of it that I find myself dreading interacting with them as it leaves me feeling very flat and exhausted. I have a very wide circle of friends so I have options but to engage with them. You might not be doing any of this but if you tend towards the negative in conversations it could be this which is putting people off.

So you are happy then? With friends and life?

Are you watching mafs Australia? I realise that I need like minded people to be with. I recognised myself in Lauren when she told the others at the retreat that she was bored with them and they didn't interest her. I was shocked that I actually identified with her and now see why I don't have many friends!!

@Avotoast9 - I was going to respond one way but then read that you do have close friendships and haven't struggled in the past but are finding it difficult right now- is this the case?

I had the same situation when I moved home/job - some places are more difficult to find people you gel with than others. Few things I'd recommend - get more exposure to other people (new hobbies, classes etc), don't try too hard/keep things light (people back off if relationships feels intense too early) and widen your view of who might be a potential friend (e.g. older than normal etc). Above all, take things easy and slowly (light pleasantries for months before going for coffee invite). People feel safer in groups too - so invite a few at a time (e.g. a group going for a coffee after a class etc).

Good luck.

No chance for me then. I had Bell's Palsy as a child, so my face is disfigured. After several spinal fractures, my body is too. I am the ugliest person I know.

?? You wouldn't see it. We don't know each other ?

OP having read your initial and later posts, you sound very similar to me in many ways. Including having a 'proper' voice and being misjudged for that!

I don't have trouble holding into friends, but if people don't seem bothered I will withdraw rather than keep in touch, and it's also often them who text first because I'm a bit spaced out on remembering to text, or else I don't want to be "too much" so I hold back. But I'm really happy to hear from them and catch up when they text. I also find it very tiring and anxiety-provoking getting to know new people and it takes time until I can feel like I don't have to be 'on' all the time with them and can be relaxed.

I have done the online tests that others talk about and I'm not autistic but I do have ADHD (inattentive type) which I try hard to control but maybe makes me a bit different. I also grew up in a house where my parents only socialised once or twice a year, they only had one pair of friends. I wasn't allowed friends round or to go to others houses, and I was the weird kid who wanted to sit and read rather than play with kids I didn't understand, so I missed some socialisation, but to be honest a lot of kids were mean and horrible so I probably dodged a bullet! People say I come across as very warm, stable, emotionally switched on and safe, so I'm not worried about being weird. And I don't think you should be, nor does it sound to me like you are autistic.

I think you just have to be unashamedly you, and you will draw the right people to you.

Don't worry about your DD but make sure you are pleasant and friendly to others so she has the social opportunities even if you don't develop deeper friendships for yourself from the other school mum's. Your own friendships will probably lie in a different crowd.

They don’t, it’s a perception of one person not a fact.

Most decent human beings have more about them than that and although I hated it at the time my mum was right when she said if they’re not nice people why would you want to be friends with them.

OP it’s really hard to say why you don’t have close friends without knowing you. The things which would switch me off a person would be someone who is negative all the time and their company is draining, people who have values and opinions which are different to mine and are vocal about them and people who are very self focussed.

Sorry but @Waterweight is talking complete nonsense. Those of you who are troubled by this should remember this. If there is a small subset of people who judges friends by their looks then they are by definition not people you want as friends.

So are you saying you are happy? Because on the basis of your initial post… I can’t see it

Sorry if I’ve missed it but what are your relationships like at work with your colleagues?

People always seem to hate me lol but they like me superficially when I mask. Until my mask slips. I have one amazing friend and she's like mate like we may not speak for 6 months but that's OK lol. I'm late diagnosed adhd. This job i have ive been in now 8 years as I don't work closely with people and they get me lol. I will never leave due to people just not liking me. Anyways since meds I've seen why they didn't like me.
Topic changing 1000 times to something irrelevant. Not letting them finish. Etc etc. Anyways I'm medicated now so I'm normal to a point. But tbh I cannot be doing with intense friends. Don't have the mindset for it.

I made a huge effort when the DC were small to hang out with other mothers and be part of a community. I wanted the DC to grow up around other families with a similar outlook and values to ours. This was actually OK when the DC were primary aged and I felt happy in a friend group. However, as mothers gradually became less intense about their mothering role and started investing in other areas of their lives, many of the relationships fell by the wayside as I didn't share those other interests. I do still have friends from those days but I mostly see them 1:1 and I have other friends with whom I share my real interests but they are not a group.

One thing I have noticed with women in their 50s is that some of them seem extraordinarily different to the people they were in their youth and are obsessed with visible consumerism to the extent that they don't seem to know who they are. All conversations end up as listing purchases, holidays, brands of university and employers for the DC. They know little about politics or history or science or anything else that requires them to read, think, observe, analyse and take a position and so friendships aren't really in order.

When I read @Waterweight saying
"but yes. I do believe that the vast majority of people are simply judging people day to day wise more on looks then personality" it really makes me wonder if I really want to live in this world. Really what is the pount?

Funny I messaged my Dh yesterday while he was at work “Everyone hates me”. I have no literally no friends apart from my DH. I’m not really sure why, the mean part of my brain tells me it’s because I’m not attractive and boring. But I hope it’s not that although we can never really know if people think you’re too ugly to be your friend, although I know I don’t give the typical responses in conversations so suspect ND. I thought by my age I’d have a little gang of friends, but I literally have no one from my past or present!

It doesn't sound like people don't like you, simply that you aren't their top priority, and that's very different.

It's easy to have lots of superficial relationships. Where you see them, you ask how they are, good to see them etc, but it not pan into anything more than that. Maybe occasionally you'll go to their house and have a coffee, or you'll mention you want to see something and you'll go together. But it doesn't get more than that.

Sometimes I've slightly looked with envy at the close knit groups. They meet up every Saturday morning at the park for the children to play; they go on holiday together; they have coffee at each other's houses, and go on day trips together.
But then, if I think about it, I would actually find the expectation of always meeting up exhausting. I need time to myself and find large groups a bit scary.
So actually I think I'm happier being me.

I have a couple of friends for whom when I meet up it's like we've never been apart. We can always find things to talk about, but if we don't we've comfortable just sitting with each other. That's my sort of friendship.

I have another friend who can be a bit flaky at times, doesn’t respond to texts for days on end etc but I so love her company that I see them as her little ‘quirks’ and they actually make me smile.

When we meet up, she is always so lovely and chatty and engaging that I feel invigorated after seeing her. Totally worth the other stuff in my opinion. She’s a sweetheart. I don’t expect my friends to be perfect and all I want in return is that they don’t expect me to be either

OP from what you've posted it sounds like you're someone who wants meaningful relationships and doesn't really enjoy the kind of preparatory work which most of us put in to build a friendship up.

That's OK, it's not uncommon, I feel a bit like this too. You might be neurodiverse, you might be a bit introverted, you say you don't like chit-chat. A lot of people find superficial social interaction quite difficult and insincere and avoid it.

I think what you have to bear in mind, though, is that you have to put a bit of this out to get something back. It may feel trivial and silly but it's actually the foundational work which allows a serious friendship to grow.

Strong opinions and passions are fine but there has to be a sense of reciprocity and light and shade. If you go from 0 to 60 in 60 seconds with people and suddenly become very intense and serious it can make people feel unsettled and a bit drained.

It's also very difficult to sustain a long-term friendship with someone who doesn't show reciprocal interest. You say you don't offer opinions without being asked but I get the sense (mainly unfairly) that you're a bit "me, me, me" in your conversation.

Making friendships: true, durable lasting friendships, is hard and takes a long time. Everyone struggles with it. But you do have to do the preparatory work and not expect miracles overnight.

This is great advice @Avotoast9

Do you have other relationships on your life? I have learned that friendships are a lot like romantic relationships. In the sense that takes time, effort and thoughtfulness to nurture and curate strong friendships and it has to be intentional.

But you also need boundaries - so to understand it is give and take and find the types of people you want to make the effort with.

Making friends didn’t come naturally to me for a variety of reasons, so I’ve learned this from my mid 30s onwards. Made a few mistakes along the way (found some people who are very keen to be “best” friends very quickly are usually not a great choice). But now I have a friendship circle of 4-5 close friends and a wider circle of lighter friends.

it’s not you, it’s just some of us take longer to figure this out. Good luck 💐

@Errors I’m eye rolling hard at people suggesting ND. I don’t read anything in OP’s posts to suggest that at all, and the truth of the matter is she DOES have friends, just not in the UK. Since when has that become a marker for autism along with the other things she has said?!

Remember this is mumsnet where there is an absolute obsession with ''ND''.

Someone only has to stub their toe to get an ''armchair diagnosis''.

@Avotoast9 Far better to have quality friends over quantity!

Two really good friends is better than twenty acquaintances.

I could've written your post.

I am autistic and have ADHD. People find me 'odd'. I often don't 'get' nuance, tire extremely easily, my social battery is getting weaker as I get older and I am also a bit scatty - the worst bits of both conditions.

The sad thing is, is that in my heart - much the same as you I would give the shirt off my back in an instant. I just can't commit to a full roster of social expectations. I always feel like I don't fit in - I think this results in a subtle but very much present vibe.

I have made my peace with this. I can't change my brain. Sorry you feel horrible. It's a shit thing to deal with.

Another good example of incompatibility here
SOME people find it disrespectful. I wouldn’t. Depending on what we were doing and how late we are talking of course, if we were meeting for a drink and you showed up 15 minutes late I would be perfectly happy to sit and wait for you and not bat an eyelid. Doesn’t bother me.

We all just need to find our people rather than thinking there is something ‘wrong’ with us or ‘wrong’ with them

Being late is really disrespectful of the other person.
It is like saying ''I'm more important, and don't care if they are waiting around for me''.

I’m eye rolling hard at people suggesting ND. I don’t read anything in OP’s posts to suggest that at all, and the truth of the matter is she DOES have friends, just not in the UK. Since when has that become a marker for autism along with the other things she has said?!

OP - I like to think if this in terms of compatibility. We are compatible with some but not with all. You just haven’t found your people.
My friendships are very important to me, but I only have a couple of close friends. One whom I have known for a few years but have become close to recently as she suffered through a bereavement and I have been supporting her. We totally get each other, we think in similar ways and so are great at supporting each other.

FWIW, you sound like the sort of person I would choose to be friends with. I love hearing other people’s opinions on stuff and discussing deeper topics than what they’re having for their dinner tonight. I’m also not a fan of small talk.

I also think that people are quite self absorbed these days. And have stepped away from a friendship due to just being moaned and complained at the entire time and it was exhausting! You sound very self aware, which is another trait I admire in people. I feel like you would be the sort of person who would be able to have an adult conversation if I had done or said something to upset you (or vice versa) and we could sort it out rather than running off and bitching about me but being perfectly nice to my face.

There is nothing ‘wrong’ with you, just as there is nothing ‘wrong’ with other people who have drifted away from you - you’re just different that’s all