Why does no one like me?

That's not always true.

The most positive thing about late diagnosis, for me, is the message that being neurodivergent doesn't make you inferior to nerotypical people, it just makes you different.
It gave me a sense of relief by explaining so much of my past and my ongoing, and frankly worsening, problems with social interaction.
My diagnosis was very recent and I'm still very much still working out where I go from here. Which is why bringing " looks" into the mix is just too daunting for me.

I do tend to talk quite quickly and passionately. I also have a lot of opinions. 😂 Maybe guilty of over sharing from time to time

Are you very forthright bordering on forceful with your opinions? That can be quite off-putting. My friend’s wife is like that and I find her quite scary! I prefer to see my friend on his own and don’t really want to form a friendship with her.

Don't agree with this. I am far from good looking, but I make friends really easily and also stay in touch with people. People like me warts and all!
I wasn't in the cool gang at school, but that was such a long time ago now, I changed once I met some nicer people from another acitivity and haven't looked back since (although I am not in touch with anyone from uni still I did have good friends when I was there - that was more a matter of distance).

For the OP, what I like about people:
friendly demeanour but not OTT friendly (ie telling me their life story in 5 minutes or overly keen)
someone who listens to what you say
similar sense of humour
once I get to know them: loyal, not flaky or two faced and similar interests/outlook.

I'm definitely put off by people who aren't what they seem, are too 'fake', too interested in seeming 'cool' etc. and yes, some peole are too intense for my liking although I haven't experienced that for a while now.

I have worked with people who are probably on the spectrum, and yes, they can be awkward and not being able to 'read the room'. This definitely put people off being friends with them. I am sure a couple of my friends are on the spectrum, but I know them so well now I am used to their quirks. My DCs are neurodiverse/have MH issues but they also have good friends - you have to find your tribe somehow in life and if you miss it in your early years it is probably harder to make friends in later life.

Im happy thanks. Already explained the original comment

Yes, this for me falls into the category of ‘here’s someone who doesn’t understand the nature of friendship’. I’ve certainly seen the same claim made by other posters who post about struggling with friendships, along with the ‘I’m ready to help anyone in an emergency!’ claim.

That’s just not a friendship metric for me. 99.9% of most people’s lives doesn’t involve needing emergency help, far less the fabled 3 am phonecall some people seem to see as the ultimate friend test. And if I wanted ‘fierce loyalty’ I’d probably get a large dog. if I value a friend’s loyalty, it will be way down the line, when there’s a relationship there to which they can be loyal, so their loyalty has a value. It’s not anything that would make me want to befriend someone first day.

The questions I always ask on these threads are ‘What do you bring to a potential friendship? What do you want in a friend? What kind of people are you attracted to and want in your life, and where might you be more likely to come across them?’

I think there's a lot of truth in this.

I’m very similar and think I’m autistic. I mask and can get on with others if I’m not being myself. I’ve found a community through hobbies has filled the gap, I’ve met acquaintances rather than friends but feel much happier.
Have you tried meet up groups or apps?

I am eye rolling at people telling the OP she is ND based on extremely scant information

That is not the same as being ableist. I’m sure you have had your struggles and I am sorry you have to go through them. That does not mean that the OP is ND though. I genuinely think she just hasn’t found ‘her people’

I get that you’re defensive, but you have twisted my opinion in to something that you can attack because of that. That’s not ok

Same here. It used to bother me when I was younger, the feeling of not fitting in, but now I'm in my 40s it doesn't really at all. I guess I've never found my tribe!

Being “fiercely loyal” wouldn’t be my top requirement in a friend. A sense of humour, generosity of spirit and shared interests would be important for me.

It’s interesting that you want people to know you’re loyal. It seems a bit intense.

Do you judge people who engage in light hearted gossip and view it as 'bad'?
Studies have shown that gossip /information sharing is generally highly valued in relationships and if you are a bit snobby and have an 'I would never gossip it's bitchy!!' vibe that won't be helping.

If you are conscious your accent isn't helping, soften it.

Only 30 minutes?! I'd have been pissed off at half that time. Glad you got better!

OP ,did I miss why people think you're pretentious?

I cross-posted with you - so, genuinely, how does your diagnosis help you? Has it helped you get more friends? Has it helped you find strategies that mean you can navigate social situations? Does it mean you have found peace with 'who you are' and has that (a) meant you stopped trying and just live happily or (b) made things easier for you to reach out from a place of self-acceptance? I am truly interested in understanding how a late diagnosis for someone with mild symptoms helps. All I seem to see is hindrance, but I am open to having my mind changed!

How does getting a diagnosis help? I really worry about all the people so desperate to label individual variation (aka personality) - does it not risking boxing you in? Crystallising your difficulties or failings and give you a reason not to change or be reflective and make an effort to learn or improve?

Obviously I am NOT talking about the severe end of any spectrum. But OP seems to have a normal functioning life, so how do labels help? You are who you are - due to brain design, childhood environments, experiences, genetics, and most likely a complex and wonderful chemistry of all of these - and have to work with it.

But I see this in a friend, hovering over her young adult extremely high-functioning child ('but he can't do that, he's autistic!'). It's so disempowering.

Anyway. That aside, I agree with PPs that friendships are about how you make other people feel. If you concentrate on that, the rest will come. Having 'strong opinions' (not interested in learning from the opinions of others?) is an exhausting trait in a person. What is the point of a conversation if someone is so certain they are right? Try making a person feel heard even if you gently (or silently) disagree.

It's absolutely untrue that you can't make friends when older, but you do need some kind of bonding mechanism - children the same age that grow with your friendship, a hobby, studies, work - so you need to engage in bonding environments.

It is also absolutely untrue that it is about how you look. Either written by someone who thinks like that, or who is not attractive themselves and has a very large chip (neither of which will make you a very attractive friend).

I am glad you are eye-rolling so hard.

Try spending 50 years feeling like the odd one out, having no real friends, becoming exhausted by social interactions because you have no clue how to navigate them.

Your post is ableist and unkind. As someone who has an official diagnosis - not even sure why I feel the need to defend this - I recognise so many patterns and feelings in the OPS post, that very well could be due to undiagnosed ASD, ADHD or both.

I would bet that you wouldn't be so dismissive of a 'real' disability. Give your head a wobble.

My observations are totally the opposite. I really struggled with the school mums because I found I had very little in common with them. The competitive parenting and consumerism was rife at school but now I’m older, the friendships are more straightforward, based on common interests and hobbies. My only ‘complaint’ is the massive focus on menopause and HRT. 🤣

Im in a walking group . I've been a member for 3 years and in that time we've had a lot of new starters . The people who 'stick' and become a proper part of the group are generally doing these things

1. Chatting easily. Making an effort to answer with more than yes or no to a question. Being open but not oversharing.
2. Talking about themselves for max 5 minutes then asking about the other person AND LISTENING to what that person says.

1. People who have strong opinions and share them very forcefully in the first few times they meet you. You said you have opinions Op and you stick to them. That's fine but , in general, politics, sexuality, money aren't topics for conversation with people in a friendly situation. It rarely ends well.
2. Friendships that are real take years to grow. I want to suss someone out very, very slowly. I want to weed out the manic people, the cheeky fuckers, the users, the weirdos and find the people I truly gel with. If you are giving off " I'm extremely loyal' vibes ( and you will be even jf you think you aren't) I would keep you absolutely at arms length.

I think that post suggesting, on no evidence, that the reason the OP struggled to make friends is as much of a nonsense as the frequent, and equally baseless, assertion that if someone doesn’t like you, ‘they’re just jealous’. It’s the ultimate cop-out. It puts all the blame on the other person and makes the OP, again on no evidence, the too-pretty, too-successful victim.

I hope you’ve read enough of the thread to see that this is the opinion of a very limited number of people and that most people are attracted to someone because of who they are, not what they look like and if someone can’t look past differences in your appearance then fuck them, you don’t need that person in your life.

Again, if I enjoyed hanging out with you (and I wouldn’t arrange to meet you if I didn’t) this wouldn’t bother me. I’d probably make allowances and tell you a time and then just show up 15 mins late myself but it’s no biggie if you drop a quick text to say you’re running late

A good friend of mine is similar to me in that we hardly ever pre arrange times and places. We will have loose plans to see each other on a Saturday and just update each other on when we may be ready. Sometimes we only get an hour or so, other times it’s the whole afternoon but it works well for us

Completely agree with this!!! I see this all the time!

I have a friend who may be a bit like you @Avotoast9. I do find her a bit draining as when we meet, it feels like she's bottled everything up to tell me. It's always very intense. I feel like I know everything about her and she doesn't know much about me because she's not really interested. When you try and change the subject, she steers it back to whatever she was on about.

Even if you're just stopping to grab a coffee or something, it's likely to turn into a rant on how expensive everything is and cost of living crisis and what a terrible state the world is in.

Sometimes people just need to have a casual chat about what's on telly or something.

Don't worry about your daughter, she'll make her own friends and your relationships with the parents won't affect that. But also don't expect to much from them.

I have gotten a lot better since then. It was a good few years ago that we feel out. I would only be 30 minutes late maximum. I always thought I had more time than I actually had to get ready, so I'd leave things until the last minute.

Said person couldn't drive and used to bag lifts off me all the time anyway, like I was her personal chauffeur, so it was no great loss really.

i could have written this post myself. i thought for years i was just a thoroughly unlikeable person as i have no ability to sustain friendships. i often say the wrong thing, i think, and perhaps just don't know how to have the conversations people expect. i know now however that i am AuDHD, which explains A LOT. although a big part of me craves isolation i do realise now it's very unhealthy for me to avoid social contact, so i try to focus now on regular superficial interactions - for example through my work, or through volunteering, or through my kids' school - and have accepted that i am not someone who will ever have 'friends' in the usual sense.