Why does no one like me?

This is a very interesting thread.
I've always struggled with friendships.
I have probably one close friend and a cousin I'm close too. I have a few not so close friends, one I used to be close to but our lives are very different and I actually think we don't really have anything in common. She has never visited my house, she lives about an hour and a half away. She's not interested in my children which is fine, she is single and doesn't have any. If I didn't contact her, I would probably never hear from her.
I have old work colleagues and acquaintances from groups I'm friends with on Facebook but never see them. I try to organise meet ups but people always make excuses.
I think a few of my new work colleagues don't like me, I think I always come across not very confident and a bit of a pushover.There are a lot of strong personalities there, some of which are difficult to deal with. I think as you said being hormonal doesn't help, I'm peri menopausal which definitely is having an effect on my confidence.
I know a lot of this is due to my upbringing, my parents had a very difficult marriage and I've always had a strained relationship with my mother. I'm really bad with confrontation as well so in the past when I've been "dumped" by so called friends, I've never asked them what's happened.
My DH doesn't have many friends either, we don't have many people apart from family to socialise with. I'm concerned this is affecting my children too especially my son who is quiet and is happy to stay in all the time unless I take him out.
I've seen on Facebook there are meet up groups like for socialising and walking etc. So it must be the same for a lot of women who want to make new friends. I'm going to try and go something soon.

No, I can see i wasn’t clear!

Sorry!

Oh, I meant why doesn't @Eldermilleniallyogii list the issues she sees in people who struggle socially, @NotSoFar.

I’m not the poster you were addressing, but I have a face like a boot and have never lacked for friends.

Why don't you?

I don't agree it's looks based

maybe for PP who said that (sorry) but I know my own experience and I know of people who don't get along well in groups and I could probably list the issues

I have never been that pretty. I have not had difficulty making friends. It might have given me less choice with attracting partners but no effect on friendships at all. I think sometimes expectations of friendship can be too high. A few friends become like sisters over time but some you just enjoy meeting occasionally for coffee or enjoy doing the same things. There’s a period of life when people have young children and full time jobs when friendships can go on the back burner . I have some friendships from school and university that survived that and now we’re in touch more often again. I’m also finding 60+ is like adolescence and people are up for making new friends and hanging out together . To keep things going it’s important to remember things people tell you and ask about them. Remember birthdays and generally take an interest. I’m not sure what the problem is OP. I stopped contacting one friend because I felt she didn’t reciprocate and it was always me suggesting meeting etc. another person I made less effort with as she saw herself as a victim and wanted to talk about her problems and nothing else. I tend to avoid argumentative people in the first place and don’t make friends with them, likewise people who have a very different outlook on life.

Sometimes I wonder if my defenses rub people up the wrong way

what defences do you have?

TBF you asked In your title why does “no one like me” “, hence… the question

And clearly people… do like you

When was the last time you saw her in person?

Haha. Yh I already updated later in the thread that it came off a bit strong & OP has responded she's feeling better in general

Well that comment will do wonders for OP's confidence!

I used to be the same but didn't see it in myself until recently and I genuinely think I'm autistic and this is why. I don't read people the way most people do or realise how I'm coming across or maybe try too hard. I recognise those traits in other people and find them off-putting and I have changed myself in the past two years.

Love your username 😂😂

The inserting yourself into a conversation thing is something I'm not sure about. I remember during my own lonely period I'd always get people telling me I need to approach people and start conversations. I kind of agreed with the logic that if most people don't like people doing this then how could that be good advice?

If you've got a thick skin and don't mind it going badly most of the time it's probably worth it for the odd occasion that it's well received. I suspect some people can pull it off better than others, I mostly anticipated wide eyed horror myself as I'm not very charming.

Modernskylines

It's a pub I've been to a few times. It's not really somewhere I'd make friends (they're into quite a specific 'scene' and tend to stick within that for friendships) but I know a few people to say hello to.

My partner was inside chatting to the landlord. I went outside for some fresh air. I went back inside again afterwards.

As for the people, I vaguely know one of the men to say hello to. He was talking to a woman. They didn't already know each other.

Why I asked @AutisticHouseMove was that she was presumably at the pub with friends. So channelling her energy in to making small talk with the people she went to the pub with would have been better spent nurturing existing relationships if they’re generally a bit thin on the ground

Anyone else just cringed at this?

I can't think of anyone I know who would have been delighted to have someone joining in like that. Sure they'll have been polite, but I suspect most people would feel that was intrusive rather than friendly.

Friendly would be passing a comment and seeing if they drew you into the conversation. What that is was announcing they're joining the conversation without giving them a chance to say no.
My bil does this sort of thing. He thinks people are delighted to hear his opinions and that he joined in. I can tell you that the people are not, and are desperate to extract themselves.

My finest recent moment was hearing two people outside a pub talking about a subject I had an interest in and knowledge of. In an attempt to 'be friendly', I walked up to them and said, "This sounds like a conversation I'd like to be part of," and just joined in

@AutisticHouseMove had you gone to the pub with a friend? Or alone? Were these people complete strangers?

The close friend you speak to almost daily op… what do you chat about? And do you doubt she likes you?

Have you done a Myers Briggs personality type test? I would be interested to know what it came back as. It might give you some insight.

I'm quite an introvert and to be honest I don't really crave to be around others, I need to remind myself to get in touch with friends, otherwise I wouldn't, and I don't meet up with them as often as the rest of the friend group does, they kind of just accept it about me.

Sounds like you are neurodivergent, OP. There are a lot of undiagnosed ND women out there whose experience mirrors yours. Find other autistic people, they will be your lower stress crew.

I read a comment upthread about a willingness to make small talk and people who find it difficult saying they don't care for it.

I don't either but I do understand why it's necessary. Most people aren't going to go straight into the heavy serious stuff without a bit of small talk to get things going.

I'm not averse to it, I'm just really bad at it! I just don't know what to say. Once the initial exchange is over, I just find myself wracking my brains to think of anything to say at all.

How are you?

I'm OK thanks. You?

Yeah, I'm good too, thanks.

Where do you go after that?

I can ask how someone is if they've been unwell. I can ask how a job interview etc went. I can ask if they enjoyed their holiday. But I've no idea what to say in follow up to any of their responses other than well done/sorry to hear that/that sounds lovely/I'm glad you had a good time... I really, really try, but I've got nothing!

My finest recent moment was hearing two people outside a pub talking about a subject I had an interest in and knowledge of. In an attempt to 'be friendly', I walked up to them and said, "This sounds like a conversation I'd like to be part of," and just joined in. Thankfully, they were very receptive and we had a good conversation (although I think I might have taken it to a deeper level than they were planning to have outside a pub on a Saturday evening 🙈

I didn't even realise it was an odd thing to do until my partner pointed it out afterwards. They were just having a really interesting chat!

I'm not trying to be a dick...