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AIBU?

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Original poster

How to bring up boys

133 replies

TheLast5Percent · 06/03/2025 00:11

So that they grow up to be respectful, kind and peaceful men?

Basically what can I as a parent do to minimise the risk of my ds becoming one of the selfish, disrespectful and exploitative men we hear so much about on mumsnet or worse, one of the violent and dangerous men we hear about on the news.

My ds is still a toddler but funnily enough he is already a lot more violent and volatile than dd was at that age. It could be of course that he is just a typical toddler and dd was the odd one but every time I have raised it with any of the staff at his nursery they have all said something like "we shouldn't be saying this but his behaviour is really, really common in boys. He will grow out of it". I guess we know though that not all boys grow out of it. Or maybe they grown out of the toddler tantrums but then grow into adult men tantrums.

Funnily enough ds is super well behaved at nursery. Apparently. Almost timid. A bit like most men I've seen: a bully at home but a puppy outside.

I know namalt and nabalt, etc and ds is really lovely but I think maybe all males have an inherent tendency towards selfishness and violence and I'm wondering if there is anything we csn do to mitigate that? For their own sake and for everyone else?

I'd love to hear what you do if you have sons and share my concerns. Or if you have adult sons or brothers what worked / didn't work so well?

Thank you 😊

OP posts:
CrispEater2000 · 06/03/2025 00:30

bittertwisted · 06/03/2025 00:24

Err I loved all 3 DS because they were children who needed their mum to love them, rather than treat them like experiments for potential future abusers

You do know children have different personalities?
All 3 of my boys are different, but they are kind and respectful, and lovely sons and boyfriends

I did nothing different because they were nasty males. I parented and loved them

Myself and DB are very different. Both brought up by DM. DF was selfish and violent and not really around. Like you say, children have different personalities and they grow up to be adults shaped by their world, not just their parents.

Original poster
TheLast5Percent · 06/03/2025 00:26

Twonewcats · 06/03/2025 00:16

You've got an odd view of your toddler, comparing him to abusive men's personalities.

I'm not comparing him to abusive men but to his sister and the nursery staff I assume speak based on their experience of boys and girls at that age.

I don't really think his behaviour is out of the ordinary for his age. He's being a typical toddler but it's noticeably different to how dd was at this age and according to the nursery staff toddler boys are just on average a bit more short tempered and violent than toddler girls. On average.

My question is what can we parents do now from early childhood on to help our sons learn to be respectful and peaceful and to not become abusive. For example, I make it a point to teach my son about consent (ie reinforcing that no means no and he needs to stop when someone says stop) and I am quite strict about violence. Having said that I teach dd the same as well ...

OP posts:
bittertwisted · 06/03/2025 00:24

Err I loved all 3 DS because they were children who needed their mum to love them, rather than treat them like experiments for potential future abusers

You do know children have different personalities?
All 3 of my boys are different, but they are kind and respectful, and lovely sons and boyfriends

I did nothing different because they were nasty males. I parented and loved them

Halloumiheaven · 06/03/2025 00:24

Twonewcats · 06/03/2025 00:16

You've got an odd view of your toddler, comparing him to abusive men's personalities.

I was going to say this.

You're already telling him through your thoughts (and the behaviour will match ) he'll sense it - what you think he is.

My son has never shown a hint of violence, aggression or attitude. He's the most kind, caring, loving young man I've ever met (ok of course I'm biased) but he makes me so proud.

I have sons and daughters.

It comes across as though you prefer girls to be honest and don't like boys/men (I don't get it myself, but it's a common theme on Mumsnet)

I think your son may need assessment if he is actually being violent?

I think it'd help you to talk through with a professional counsellor or similar your ideas on 'men'. I think it'd be unhealthy to let this shape how you parent your little toddler son.

TrixieFatell · 06/03/2025 00:22

I have a son and he is the kindest most loving little person ever. He loves making people laugh, and his friends all describe him as kind. We have had talks about consent and not to touch people without their permission, and we have had talks about being respectful. We don't encourage boisterous behaviour, and he has never used any violence at all. His dad is also a kind man who never uses violence to get his own way.

Twonewcats · 06/03/2025 00:16

You've got an odd view of your toddler, comparing him to abusive men's personalities.

YerAWizardHarry · 06/03/2025 00:15

I have a 12 year old son and he’s never ever shown any sort of violence- not as a toddler, not to his siblings, not to his friends in a “jokey” way. I wouldn’t tolerate if he was, regardless of his gender.

EconomyClassRockstar · 06/03/2025 00:14

Well, I started with having children with a man who wasn't violent and selfish. It wasn't that hard!