How to bring up boys

So fed up of the boy hate on mn. My 4 year old ds has never shown signs of aggression. He's a lovely boy. My dh is a kind and respectful man. When me and my brother were little I was the the more aggressive one. You're projecting into your poor ds already with the comparisons to his sister

Bit concerning if nursery staff are saying or agreeing that toddler boys are "more short tempered and violent" those aren't descriptions used commonly for toddlers by anyone who works with them...

Boys tend to develop language slower at that age so may have frustrations when trying to express themselves and may be described as more physical, sensory seeking etc but I've never heard anyone describe a toddler as violent 😳

I completely understand what and why you’re asking, wouldn’t the world be so incredible if as a species we understood how to nurture boys in a way that guaranteed all adult men were non violent .
I think purplepandabears and a couple of others having given you some really useful advice.

We tried to develop emotional maturity with the ability to verbalise their feelings, teach empathy , model respectful and considerate relationships within the family, to be consciously aware of holding both DD & DS to the same standards and expectations and avoid imposing gender specific stereo types ( child of the 70/80’s it was drummed into us to fight those gender roles!)
Seems to have worked so far, my young adult DS is exactly the kind of man I hoped he would be.

Oh and 100 % encourage sport as part of their life if you have a physically very active little boy.

I think a lot of the replies you're getting OP, skip over the fact that boys are fundamentally different to girls in their biology. Boisterous play shouldn't be discouraged - even aggressive play shouldn't be discouraged. This is how small children process & learn. The key part is that aggression towards themselves or others shouldn't be tolerated.

I do think the example you gave of a bully at home, a puppy outside, was ill chosen. Home is a child's safe place, of course they're going to be more comfortable acting out of exploring different types of play there. It sounds like you have a very normal little boy.

I'm still in the process of trying to raise a well adjusted boy, so by no means an expert. Things I've researched and am trying though are below - obviously they'll work for girls too!

I do not equate hitting or fighting in play with signs of an aggressive personality. I do not give out at this or try redirect it, unless it's harming himself or others. I don't buy weapon toys, but little boys will be creative in making swords, etc.,

I give him lots of opportunities to get his energy out, and focus on boisterous / sensory play. Boys love and need rough and tumble. Giving safe opportunities helps. Lots of jumping on the couch / throwing him on the cushions safely, tossing him in the air, spinning, bike rides, jumping etc., If there is play fighting, I make sure he knows how important consent is, and the boundaries around when this type of playing starts and finishes.

I encourage confidence and independence in his care tasks. E.g. he's learning to cook from a young age, and pick up after himself, in a fun age appropriate way.

When he's having big feelings, I help him recognize what they are by naming them. "I think you're feeling sad your toy broke."

I spend a lot of time helping him co-regulate during big feelings too.

I reward kindness and good behaviour. I model the way he should be treated, and should treat others. Very importantly so does his dad.

I make sure the TV be gets to watch is appropriate. E.g. we don't watch Bad Dinosaurs on Netflix because the characters are frequently shoving and hitting.

My expectations are also mapped to his age. My son has toy dolls and non typical gender toys, but all he wants to play with are cars and dinosaurs. He is little, he doesn't need to practice being nurturing any more than our daughters do - he needs to be the one nurtured. I let him lead the way, and focus on loving him. He will have tantrums, and instead of seeing these as a sign of potential future bad behaviour, I focus on what he's learning from these in terms of regulation.

You asked for people with sons to say what worked for them…. I replied to say what worked for my sons. The advice can be applied to your DS or boys in general, but you seemed to be concerned about your DS being affected by toxic masculinity so I framed my response the way I did.

When DS attempted toddler tantrums I put him in his room, he hated being excluded. He had about 3 tantrums and gave up.

We spent a lot of time outside and he was encouraged and fortunately took to sport. Both DH and myself played in sports teams till we were in our very early thirties. I limited sugar and that included not having too much fruit. We are both from sporty families, going back to at least great grandparents on one side on mine.

But most importantly he had gentle lovely DH as a role model.

Then there is something that depends on factors that are hard to explain. He is an excellent communicator, it’s natural possibly or maybe just copied. People tend to like him so there is no resentment or issues making friends. He has grown up seeing committed unified parents even when we were under appalling stress when his sister our DD died.

You start with modelling the behaviour/ values you want to see. Open displays of emotion, kindness, gentleness. Healthy relationships. Whatever. If you can, nurture a tribe of likeminded males around him, which is more important as he grows up.

Read Raising Boys

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Raising-Boys-21st-Century-Completely/dp/0008283672/ref=mpssa111?crid=22N1QW2B5XUC0&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.cthmi5AgqKHd-dxaFmjl917hDUdb8CkmhSA8dsakYOOjc5lodEz9XCj8H38RhfhOilQpA-EJ0wIHVMXIVJOSpwDFtE1DDSHBq0rllphdSnQ0WQrz1U97-znr5TzWgETrXoYnwqTJpTuWYUSttbPP4fSRleCyaZC3JUvaC9ORGAqBe6gKelXfuZaAdUGTfwegO-LTwQSQkcGGd3ZpOm1Q.FN3rdoCu7vLEGotvugAgYxqq-juhVYOvrgCiZNQDg&dibbtag=se&keywords=raising+boys+steve+biddulph+book&qid=1741223312&sprefix=raising+boy%2Caps%2C87&sr=8-1

But just an FYI, my son definitely has the more gentle disposition of my two. It's my DD who has struggled with empathy etc. So don't make any assumptions.

Don't allow him to get away with behaviour, just because he is a boy.
Boundaries, respect, helping around the house.
No such thing as girls/boys toys. If you don't need your genitals to operate it, then it's unisex.
Stop comparing him to his sister.

As a mother of three adult males I can’t take you seriously at all OP.

It sounds like you’re writing some sort of weird dissertation or something.

Or maybe I’m just hoping that’s true.

Mum of boys here. Mine aren't adult yet, but my advice for parenting both your children would be:

• model how you want them to behave - be respectful to others, kind, considerate etc. Think about their male role models. Model and reinforce healthy boundaries.
• be aware of societal messages and don't engrain these eg boys don't cry, nice guys finish last, women need to people please etc. As they grow up, discuss the messages they get from society that you think are toxic
• help them be emotionally literate. Label their emotions when young so they understand their experiences. 'You seem be disappointed... I wonder if you feel upset that x has happened etc. Talk about others emotions so they develop a language to express themselves.
• model how to cope with negative emotions - it's normal to feel sad, how to manage frustration etc.
• Have appropriate consequences for aggressive or inappropriate behaviour. It gets a bad press on here, but I really think gentle parenting is a helpful approach. It's misunderstood and definitely has consequences and boundaries for children. But don't over label - a toddler trying to assert themselves and having tantrums is normal, not a bully.

Honestly it's no guarantee. DH is the most gentle and non violent man you could ever meet. DS doesn't really understand why hitting people to get what you want is bad.

Did nursery staff really use the word violent rather than a word like physical or phrase like “less able to control their impulse or use their words”?

I’ve heard plenty of boy vs girl stuff in my years as a parent but the word violent was never used - even at secondary school.

I'm getting 'journo' vibes.....

What kind of male role models do you have in your family OP? If they are the kind that you describe then he will learn this type of behaviour.

You need to accept that all children are different. Not every boy is boisterous and every girl meek and mild.

You parent with discipline, respect and love, regardless of sex and surround them with positive role models. It's pretty natural and simple really.

Therein lies your problem. You're already applying "toxic masculinity" to a freaking toddler. I just can't say anymore, you can't even see what you're doing !

I think the best thing you can do is to change your own mindset. Assume the only option is for your son to be a kind, respectful and peaceful person. He’s only a toddler and you’ve already described him as volatile, violent and a bully in your post!
In my experience people assume boys will be bullies, hit, rude etc and that its simply in their nature and can’t be helped, so when boys do these things their parents and teachers excuse their behaviour or half heartedly address it and so it continues. Set your standards of behaviour for your children and enforce them. Even if you’re tired, want to chat with friends, want down time etc always address poor behaviour. It doesn’t take long for them to catch on and act the way you want. When my boys were little we’d also explain before going somewhere how they were expected to behave, which worked well, rather than wait until they did the wrong thing…we’re going to the doctors/hospital/church it’s not ok to yell and run around, but it is ok to play quietly. Also start now to build self esteem by encouraging your son to do things for himself even if it means he gets a bit frustrated - things like helping at home, getting dressed, carrying his own bag etc.

I've got 2 DS/'s and 2 male foster DS's. None of them are aggressive or violent, bully or speak down to women. All of them have been encouraged to engage in sports. Excess energy has been burned off playing sport. They have been encouraged to be thoughtful and respectful to women. I've reminded them your Mum, Nan and sister are all female and you wouldn't be disrespectful to them so remember other females are someone else's, sister, Mum or Nan and treat them kindly.

I don’t think this is a weird question at all and I get exactly what you are saying. There are a lot of men whose parents think that they’ve done a great job but the fact is, they have the devils spawn as a son. I just think all you can do is try your best, be loving, caring, actually speak to your child. I think doing your best and raising your child in a stable home is all you can do really.

You have some concerning views I'm afraid

No, little toddler boys are not "more violent" as a rule.

I can't take you seriously now to be honest. I find your views quite insulting.

I think you would benefit from professional counselling. Your views on toddlers who happen to be male really quite warped