How to bring up boys

If you go to any early years setting there are clear differences between boys and girls and in my opinion that has nothing to do with external factors. Boys are (for the most part) more active, less socially motivated and drawn to doing stupid things. It’s partly why they live less longer than women. Just model behaviour you’d like to see in him, assuming you’re a decent enough person show him what empathy looks like. A father figure in my opinion or at least a male role model in a boys life makes a huge, huge positive difference. Boys who grow up without a father / father figure and those who grow up with poor male role models are at most risk of becoming misogynists.

Have a child with a decent man who is an excellent role model.

I have a 14yo ds (as well as an 8yo dd). He was a bit aggressive when he was little, but nothing serious. It was mostly impulsive retaliatory overreaction. He's a lovely young man now, I'm very proud. Caring, thoughtful, sensitive, funny, kind and entirely respectful of girls. This isn't just what I believe, we've been told this by many others. He's had a good role model, and we've instilled boundaries and ensured he respects them. We also have lots of very open conversations with him about consent, respect in relationships, and misogyny perpetuated by people like Andrew Tate. Too many parents shy away from difficult conversations with their teenagers, but it's the most important time to have them.

I mean he's a toddler and you're trying to explain consent? Does he understand you are not, I presume telling him that if he is playing with his toy, and someone says , "stop, give it to me", that he is not obliged to do so? Silly example obviously but you sound as if you think every young boy is going to be abusive with normal good parenting. They are not. I think you need therapy personally to help determine what's behind your worries

@TheLast5Percent Basically what can I as a parent do to minimise the risk of my ds becoming one of the selfish, disrespectful and exploitative men we hear so much about on mumsnet or worse, one of the violent and dangerous men we hear about on the news.

People (viz: women) come to Mumsnet to talk about their problems, and for many it's relationship problems. We only ever hear one side of the story, and while I have no doubt there are many selfish, disrespectful and exploitative men in the world, there are also women who fall into these categories, many of whom are oblivious to this or unwilling to acknowledge their flaws for fear of judgement.

As for your son becoming one of the violent and dangerous men we hear about on the news, the probability of this is so very remote it's just not a rational fear. it's far more likely he will commit suicide than commit harm to anyone else, but I don't see many people in society really caring about this or what they might do to prevent it.

Most men grow up to be normal, respectable, decent human beings. It's a shame we don't hear more about them, rather than the negative stereotypes we are so often fed by the media and social media.

I think what you're trying to achieve OP is a lovely thing, and it's great to be aware of how biology impacts development.

I do agree with @Twonewcatsthat it's the way you worded your OP that caused the antagonistic replies. It was hard to look past your phrasing, to the heart of what you were asking.

Also drugs and drink come into play at a later stage.
That alters things.
Ds had a friend at primary who was a nice boy.

Years later I read he was a drunken drug addict who crashed a car and killed people.
Didn't fit with the way I remembered him as a child. You never know.

Nah sorry, but your wording of the op was very negative which is what most people took exception to.

"My ds is still a toddler but funnily enough he is already a lot more violent and volatile than dd was at that age. It could be of course that he is just a typical toddler and dd was the odd one but every time I have raised it with any of the staff at his nursery they have all said something like "we shouldn't be saying this but his behaviour is really, really common in boys. He will grow out of it".
Funnily enough ds is super well behaved at nursery. [Therefore his behaviour isn't concerning or indeed violent so what are they talking about?] Apparently. Almost timid. A bit like most men I've seen: a bully at home but a puppy outside. [Directly comparing him to an abuser, as well as saying most men are like this]

"I think maybe all males have an inherent tendency towards selfishness and violence"

Surely you can see why this got people's backs up. I'm not going back to rtft again but iirc not one person said they thought mums trying to bring up their child to be kind and respectful was a bad thing - I honestly don't understand how you came to that conclusion

Very odd views unless you are trying to score MN brownie points?
I have one of each and won't be doing anything different in raising them.

Excellent and aspirational male role models. Little boys don’t want to be their mothers. They want to be their dads, their cool teachers or sports coaches or their funny uncles.

DH is kind, generous, takes on more than his fair share of domestic and child related tasks, and took 6 months parental leave to care for our twins solo from 6-12 months.

My little boy (now 7), is pretty wild, but he is also polite, helpful to others and exceptionally caring to young children and animals. He talks about taking care of family one day and raising his own babies.

My sons are now young adults, but one habit I have always done is to stop and listen if they want to chat. They may be talking about football, formula one, the weather but just listen and participate.

Picking the right father who is a decent human.
Being in a stable relationship - Marriage.
Psychologists say most criminals are men who come from broken homes/single parent homes.
Don't spoil your kids, let them earn things as they get older. Don't hand them everything with a silver spoon.
Hard work and discipline are very important. All this gentle parenting Bull is a nope.

All three of my sons have had toy strollers, mainly used to transport their cars around 🤔

I don't really think his behaviour is out of the ordinary for his age. He's being a typical toddler

I think you need to change this mindset. A lot of people on MN say that it's normal for toddlers to push & snatch things. Mine never did anything like that. DD used to get upset when other children took her toys.

I would say boys need to be kept busy & active & have firm boundaries. Team sports are good for teaching them how to behave.

We don't really shout or swear in our house & I think that helps them understand what is respectful.

Maggie Dent has some good books on raising boys.

Female parenting is not the issue here.

From my experience of teen boys, sports and activities, chores and affection seem to help a lot.
I also taught mine the importance of small acts like making someone (me!) a cup of tea, always to offer if they're making something or going to the shop, and we celebrate achievements and occasions collectively.
It made me so happy when ds2 came home the other day and handed ds1 a bar of chocolate. Ds1 was clearly thrilled and said "what's that for?" With a big smile.
Love seeing them growing up and putting these things I've tried hard to teach them into practice.

One of the first things you could do is challenge the nursery staff on ‘typical boy behaviour’ or however they’re describing it. They will have anecdotal examples of how some boys are more boisterous than some girls, but there will be as many gentle boys and boisterous girls… look up innocent socialisation, let your boy play with as many nurturing and role play toys as his sister (or maybe she preferred cars!). Just be aware of your own unconscious biases and how you’ve been socialised all contribute without you realising.

Nursery staff really should be more on it about challenging gendered behaviour. They are reinforcing that behaviour by saying ‘on average’. Maybe they’re just trying to reassure you but I’d be frustrated if that was the attitude at my child’s nursery.

My boys' father was exceedingly selfish, sometimes violent and a total Disney Dad. Also a consummate liar.

I raised them in my own. They are three fine upstanding men who are 100% present in their relationships, their jobs, and their lives. They share the parenting, housework and have total respect for their partners/ wives.

I had open lines of communication ovation, and I didn't let them eat any E numbers that weren't natural. They were always better behaved than their peers tbh.

I agree with this.

As toddlers my DD was far more aggressive than DS. They are now reasonable and calm adults. DS has zero toxic masculinity traits.

You seem to be looking for a problem that doesn’t really exist.

As DS gets older, keep an eye on his SM to ensure he isn’t getting sucked into any weird shite. Zero tolerance on porn (explaining why) and challenge any misogyny that arises.

I am sure he will be fine.

Sports like rugby and football were surely devised to use up and channel male energy. Society has always known that it needs to be focused so they don’t ‘spend’ their energy in negative ways

Mum of four boys here. My eldest is in his early 20s and is extremely polite and kind, and very respectful towards women (and everyone, for that matter). I maintain a loving and very honest household and since I'm vastly outnumbered as the singular woman in a household of 6, work extremely hard to ensure that they are aware that women are just as equal as men. I'm also open about things like periods, so none of them act in a ridiculous way with female friends/partners around conversations like that. They probs don't appreciate it (lol), but it's healthy and they should be just as aware of what the female body goes through as their own. My 12 year old was the only boy in his class that wasn't grossed out about it during a session at school about it, for example - he already knew and knew it was perfectly natural and normal.

With your son, OP, enjoy spending time with him and ensure you maintain a close and happy bond. Instill boundaries, as you would with any child, and simply make sure he's brought up with the right values. That's all you can do. As others have likely said, sometimes boys (and girls) turn into adults that do the most horrific things despite a good upbringing, but all you can do is your part to make this less likely.

I have boy/girl twins, now adults.

While growing up my DD was the more outgoing and confident personality, where she led, my DS followed. However, there was a phase in his childhood where I felt I was constantly on his case to stop being so physical or responding with force to DD's winding him up. I think there's an element of society playing into this - boys will be boys means boys and girls are held to different standards. I never let it slide though.

Now they're grown up, DS js a lovely young man without a hint of physical aggression unless it's on the sports pitch (within the rules, obviously).

What worked for me and DS was not punishment but understanding why he'd reacted the way he had and role playing alternative responses until they became more natural than lashing out.

I think my boys are lovely - to be clear but they are not gentle, quiet or calm. They are loud, boisterous, full of energy and fairly dominating. That's why I spend a lot of time thinking about this subject.

I don't believe in 'boys will be boys' but I do believe that boys have some inherent differences (being bigger, stronger, having a much bigger growth spurt at puberty and coursing with testosterone) that need to be accounted for. It's not just socialisation. And no that does not mean we should accept male violence or sexism. We just need not to be naive fools about 'equality' and what that actually means in practice.