Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not know how to thank my neighbour?

96 replies

blindknot · 05/03/2025 19:31

Posting for traffic, shamelessly....sorry.

My lovely neighbour is an Indian man with three daughters. He's been such an amazing help to me over the last year as I have two babies and also primary age children.
He will take my 9 year old with him on the school run as he's dropping his own daughter off. This has saved me an enormous amount of time and aggro, getting two babies fed and ready to travel is hard work!

How can I thank him properly? I want to buy him a gift but as I know nothing really about their culture I don't want to get it wrong. What would you do to show appreciation?

OP posts:
InWalksBarberalla · 05/03/2025 21:50

blindknot · 05/03/2025 20:51

I'm guessing that they are Hindi? I don't know because I'm absolutely fucking clueless on these matters, but there isn't any Sikh turban wearing, and they do celebrate Christmas, with decorations on the house at least.

They could be Christians. Agree with sweets, chocolates or plant.

TheAlertFinch · 05/03/2025 21:50

Just get him some nice chocolates or biscuits.

Woodythewonderpony · 05/03/2025 21:49

I’d bake a cake, maybe a simnel cake as Easter is coming

JayJayEl · 05/03/2025 21:48

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

You didn't just mention it. You went on and on and on about it. It's akin to someone telling you they are gay so you then tell them aaaaall about the wonderful gays in your life. It's patronising and tiring.

crockofshite · 05/03/2025 21:46

Bake them a cake. Who doesn't like cake?! And it's something all the family can enjoy.

blindknot · 05/03/2025 21:46

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

JayJayEl · 05/03/2025 21:41

ShamrockShenanigans · 05/03/2025 21:38

I just absolutely hate 'othering' even if it does come from a good place.

The guy is a great neighbour from the sound of it and a thoughtful man.

But the fawning over the 'beautiful divine smells' when he's cooking a bit of dinner is definitely 'othering' because of his heritage.

Not just this particular OP but so many others in the past.

Just buy him a cake or a tin of biscuits and tell him if you can ever do the same with his DD you will.

Show quote history

Absolutely - I would go so far as to say it's bordering on racial/cultural microaggresion.

ShamrockShenanigans · 05/03/2025 21:38

JayJayEl · 05/03/2025 21:33

Thank you for (better) putting in to words what I was also thinking!

Show quote history

I just absolutely hate 'othering' even if it does come from a good place.

The guy is a great neighbour from the sound of it and a thoughtful man.

But the fawning over the 'beautiful divine smells' when he's cooking a bit of dinner is definitely 'othering' because of his heritage.

Not just this particular OP but so many others in the past.

Just buy him a cake or a tin of biscuits and tell him if you can ever do the same with his DD you will.

Hooliewhat · 05/03/2025 21:36

blindknot · 05/03/2025 19:40

I wouldn't know where to start with that! When he opens his front door the smell from inside is beautiful. I said to him tonight 'who is the cook? That smells divine!' He got his daughter to translate and said his wife is working in a factory so he's made dinner. I can't very well invite them over for lasagne, I'd die at my lack of culinary skill. 😂

I think maybe gifts for his girls might be the way. He's clearly a very doting father, working nights and running his kids around...and mine too.

Do tea and cakes, maybe plate of cucumber sandwiches

RemusLupinsBiggestGroupie · 05/03/2025 21:36

ShamrockShenanigans · 05/03/2025 21:32

Yes we get he's Indian.

No need for you to type in broken English 🙄

My parents are Irish but not every thank you gift given to them has to be related to Ireland.

Show quote history

This. Sorry, OP I’m sure you’re lovely and you’re trying to do a nice thing, but writing it like that seemed horribly patronising.

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 05/03/2025 21:35

Lurkingandlearning · 05/03/2025 20:31

I think a gift card is a terrible idea. It’s like giving him cash. A monetary payment for kindness is not is it tasteless and rather superior. Especially for a supermarket. Do you think they can’t afford food because that’s what that would look like.

Inviting them in for a meal is much more in the spirit of the kindness he has shown you. Just because they cook well doesn’t mean they cook everything well. They might love a homemade lasagne. They sound lovely and like they would appreciate the gesture more than cash that has limitations on where it can be spent ( voucher)

Show quote history

Yes! Or baking a cake etc. would go down a lot better.

Dollydaydream100 · 05/03/2025 21:35

Hmmm 🤔

38woman · 05/03/2025 21:34

I agree with the hamper idea. A lovely gift. Old fashioned lemonade, sweets, biscuits, good quality chocolate, a lovely candle, a jar of flowers, lovely napkins perhaps? X

JayJayEl · 05/03/2025 21:33

ShamrockShenanigans · 05/03/2025 21:32

Yes we get he's Indian.

No need for you to type in broken English 🙄

My parents are Irish but not every thank you gift given to them has to be related to Ireland.

Show quote history

Thank you for (better) putting in to words what I was also thinking!

magimedi · 05/03/2025 21:32

No to gift cards or vouchers. Far too much like paying someone.

Just ask them into your house for a meal or if you don't feel up to that ask them round for tea & cakes.

Hospitality is a great gift.

ShamrockShenanigans · 05/03/2025 21:32

blindknot · 05/03/2025 19:34

He's the loveliest man. He said when I first asked him, 'yah, is no problem. You is neighbour, I help' and shook my hand.

Yes we get he's Indian.

No need for you to type in broken English 🙄

My parents are Irish but not every thank you gift given to them has to be related to Ireland.

JayJayEl · 05/03/2025 21:28

blindknot · 05/03/2025 20:58

I don't think they would agree. When they first moved in they didn't have a car for a year and I offered to drive their daughter to school with mine. They politely declined.

I think they have really pulled themselves up by their bootstraps and never asked for any help...but will gladly offer it.

Show quote history

A little off topic (apologies), but why do you think that your neighbours have "pulled themselves up by their bootstraps? Genuine question - am interested! X

MangshorJhol · 05/03/2025 21:26

Most Indians are actually non-vegetarian (70-80%)
https://www.bbc.com/news/world-asia-india-43581122.amp
Hindi is a language though. Spoken by many (including me- badly- it’s my third/fourth language). Anyway, biscuits and chocolates. Even in India we eat biscuits and chocolates. You can’t go wrong with that.

An Indian butcher cuts beef in his shop in Srinagar on September 10, 2015.

The myth of the Indian vegetarian nation - BBC News

India is not a largely vegetarian country, and more people consume beef than previously estimated.

https://www.bbc.com/news/world-asia-india-43581122.amp

Alwaystired2023 · 05/03/2025 21:25

I think a gift is fine, and a card - but honestly echo the other suggestions to invite them round, maybe for tea and cake if you don't fancy preparing a meal (I wouldn't either after smelling their amazing food cooking)

JayJayEl · 05/03/2025 21:24

Why are you going on and on about cultural/social norms?? Gift giving is gift giving, regardless of a person's heritage/race/culture/religion/traditions.

And even if it was against their beliefs, in [y]our culture it is normal to give a gift as a thank you.

I understand this comes from a good place, but you are massively overthinking this, and making it all about that fact that he is not British. Just do what you would if it was a white, British neighbour.

Crazybaby123 · 05/03/2025 21:23

Plant you can eat. Maybe a chilli plant or one of those sets with a few different herbs that can go on your sindow sill.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 05/03/2025 21:23

Although you may think he enjoys a smoke, is he actually a cigar smoker ?

LadeOde · 05/03/2025 21:20

@CharityShopMensGlasses Have you seen this man gardening before? don't mean to sound like a wet blanket but also being an ethnic minority i know Brits give plants as gifts, and they're treasured items, but frankly if you gave a plant to someone from my home country they wouldn't know what to do with it, although i myself love plants. I actually think the idea of inviting them in for meal is more the sort of thing someone from the Asian community would appreciate. A lot of ethnic cultures consider opening your doors to them as the ultimate in saying, 'You are our friend now, welcome in' whereas i know British culture is very different. I could be wrong and he might love gardening but just thought i'd throw that in.

TheProvincialLady · 05/03/2025 21:19

Many of the Indian people I know are Christian. Just give something nice, sweet and vegetarian to be on the safe side and perhaps some flowers or a plant. It really is the thought that counts.

NewName90210 · 05/03/2025 21:13

I wouldn’t do food. Or cigars. I’d just do a lovely plant. The orchid suggestion was lovely.