My year 7 son is being horrible to me. Hitting, swearing, spitting etc

I think you need to get him some 1:1 counselling. Also talk to pastoral care at school and his form tutor. There has been a lot of change this academic year, his dad in hospital and starting secondary school. Moving from primary school to secondary school can be particularly overwhelming and triggering for someone with OCD and neurodiverse traits. Year 7 is where school placements often fall apart and it’s possible you’re picking up the fallout from school struggles. He clearly feels rubbish at the moment. Smacking him would escalate the situation negatively and is not the solution. You can still have firm fair caring boundaries without role modelling violent behaviour.

I would make sure he knew where his meals were coming from.
Hey your food is ready..comes it down with us
I'd record this, if he's trying to cause shit, protect yourself

He does not stand for any ill treatment of me and tries talking to him about it daily

Well that's good of him. But the time for 'talking to him' and nicely telling him that sweetie it's not kind to slap mummy in the face, has long since gone. The kid is 11 or 12, not 5. You're injured ffs. How can you both be so passive?

My dh has never raised a hand to any of our three sons. But past younger childhood, I'm pretty certain he wouldn't just be talking to them daily, if any of them raised a hand to me. He'd go nuclear, read them the absolute fucking riot act immediately and warn them that if it ever happened again they'd be getting twice as much back from him.

Things only become habit when they're allowed to. Being kind and calm isn't always the best approach. And I honestly think that a 12 year old boy that starts beating his mother up NEEDS the shit scaring out of him rather than daily kind chats.

You're right, it doesn't teach him not to hit people.

It does teach him to think twice about hitting his mother, so one problem gets solved.

The OP doesn't have to take the high road here.

The murder of women by their own sons is an increasing aspect of femicide statistics. I hope the OP won't be a statistic.

Dh needs to talk to him. He's obviously troubled by his Dad being ill. Kids think all sorts of weird things. Maybe he blames you for example. ,maybe hes frightened of becoming the man of the house if DH died. My daughter was convinced I was going to die in childbirth when pregnant with her sister as all the mums die in Disney films!

As much as getting physical with a disabled child is tempting to some it really doesn’t help ND children, and neither does going nuclear.

It’s a far more complex situation due to the neurodivergence.

This is clearly a response to deep trauma that needs a careful approach.

That is nonsense, @PennyWhistleSweet
Absolute, gobsmacking nonsense.

He "tries" talking to him about it?

This man is giving the abuser of his wife lovely outings and spending fun times together while you are left bruised and wiping spit off yourself?

Taking him to the pub to play darts is telling him he gets the privileges of a grown man.

Fuck that.

What all of it looks like to this boy is his dad rewarding him for abusing you.
Your husband is a spineless fool.

OP, you worded it perfectly. You said up until October he was the sweetest boy. You later stated he was neurodivergent. Most people understand that neurodivergence is lifelong.

This poster, in their ignorance, read that he was the sweetest boy up until October and assumed that meant he wasn't neurodivergent before October. This poster cannot comprehend that being sweet might be compatible with being neurodivergent. Let's keep calling out ignorance so that the ignorant can have an opportunity to better themselves.

OP, sorry you've had such a tough time. I'm glad you've had some good advice. Your sweet boy is still there and I'd agree with the poster who suggested an issue with processing your husband's health issue and lashing out in distress. I'd seek urgent help so he can develop appropriate coping techniques.

If he wasn’t diagnosed as Neurodoverse until Oct I can guarantee he wouldn’t have an EHCP yet! I think you need to re-read the post 😂

Oh, this sounds like a trauma issue and it won't just go away.
I suggest engaging with the school & getting him some counselling.

It sounds like you've a tough few months
Wishing your family well

How would hitting him teach him not to hit people? In what way do you think that would improve his behaviour? Do you genuinely think he’d just be so scared he’d start to behave differently? Do you have any experience of Neurodiverse Children or children who’ve experienced trauma?

And @cansu's advice is good.
I try with ds3 to be less command and more suggestion. But not pussyfoot. Eg 'dinner will be ready in ten' and then a text to say ' it's ready' if he choses to ignore me then he has to deal with the consequences.
I just don't meet aggression and anger with the same.
You do need a united front. Or it will get worse and drive a wedge between your family.

With the greatest of respect, you can’t be weak on this. He will end up in a lot of trouble if he thinks it’s ok to hurt women just because there aren’t any larger men around. Tell him straight and restrain him if he tries it on. He may well be hurting but as it stands he is getting away with disrespecting you and worse and you need to eh the adult and correct the behavior.

His dad being so ill will have been traumatic for him, in the true sense of the word. Have a look at parenting strategies for traumatised kids, they generally involve you vocalising what you think he might be feeling - after the incident has passed and he’s in a calmer state of mind.

He may find it difficult when he’s on his own with you because it triggers feelings of his dad being very unwell. It’s also likely he can’t make that link himself at this stage which can be quite frighten. So you could wonder aloud “I feel quite anxious when dad isn’t around, I wonder if you do too”, type things. Do you and he speak about his dad’s time in hospital, as in how does he understand it and how much space has he had to process his feelings about it? Counselling can help but there’s a lot you can do as a parent to help him along.

Can you help him find physical ways to discharge the energy that comes with his feelings? Things like jumping, movement, and old fashioned swing park if he’s still interested, swimming or being in water. Basically anything sensory built into his day so his stress cup doesn’t get too full and spill over. You could also look at music (playing, singing, dancing), cooking, building or modelling type activities that help as a form of active mindfulness.

All of that can help with autism too so you won’t be doing harm in the meantime.

but even providing him with dinner involves setting it at the table asking my husband over the phone to call him and tell him it's ready or I'll get an ear full for talking or looking at him.

Sorry op. That is ridiculous. You and DH need to talk to him together and lay down some boundaries and consequences.

@PennyWhistleSweet smacking is not the answer and he won't understand why you are doing it. Meeting his upset, turmoil and immense upheaval towards his 'constant' with aggression is poor advice. I am pleased you have not entertained it.

All my sons flared when they went to secondary and they are all autistic. Please involve the school. There will be lots they can do and things they can access eg counselling, specific interventions.

My youngest up until 20 threw his weight around as I was the constant. We have only recently stopped the explosive temper and unpleasantness and he is an exhausting, over six foot student. He will get there though. He has had a lot going on. Sending hugs and understanding.

Any vocal or physical tics or food restrictions?

“Sadly his Dad was in ITU and them a normal ward for a few months around October”

This stuck out for me.
My son is also ND, his dad had a stroke when he was 8. Afterwards all his behaviour was directed at me because I was the safe one.

It’s common for ND children to have a safe parent to test the boundaries out with, he’s not playing you like a fiddle, he’s not a brat, he doesn’t need a smack (I mean, Jesus, who advocates for violence against a disabled child!), it’s awfully hard work for you but having his dad in hospital for weeks must have been difficult for him to process. An ill parent for a NT child is terrifying, for a ND child is earth shattering and life upending. It may take a while for him to come to terms with it.

In your shoes I would possibly seek some help. I’m reluctant to suggest camhs as they’re awful in my area, but there may be something available that could help him.

Is your husband now well? If yes he could try doing more with ds, both to give you a break, and also to give the clear message that he’s now ok.

He's 7, he doesn't get to decide whether you tell school or not. That would be an inappropriate level of control for him to have. Speak to the school and ask them to do a referral to the family support service. You need help to sort this before it grows into an even bigger problem as he gets older.

I think you need a united front. Consequences for unpleasant behaviour. You need your husband to back you. Stop tiptoeing round him. You tell him dinner will be ready at x time then you leave him to it. If he fails to appear then he misses his dinner etc