I’ve name changed for this and will try to give as much info as I can to get the best responses.
So apologies for the length
I’ve been with my DH for 7 years, married for 4.
Generally things have been good most of the time.
We don’t have DC, which isn’t relevant to my post but is something that people may ask.
However DH has an intellectual disability and is also neurodiverse, but is exceptionally good at masking so I didn’t realise the full extent of his issues until we lived together.
The biggest issue he has is that when he is upset, usually over something minor, to him it’s huge. He feels his life is over if he has a minor setback and tends to lash out verbally and say the most awful things, I’m told he did this to his parents as a child, and it’s something he’s continued in to adulthood but now I get the brunt of it.
He calms down quickly and is always very sorry for the things he’s said, He has never been physically abusive in any way
he runs away (literally) from any kind of conflict or argument and generally seems to struggle with managing his emotions.
BUT
At times when things between us have been absolutely fine, he would hug me and squeeze a little too tight, not every time, just sometimes.
This would leave my breathing restricted for a few seconds so I’d try to speak or poke him etc to get him to let go.
He would apologise:/ say he didn’t mean to hold me that tight and we’d move on.
But, I started to notice it was happening often, and that it was taking him longer to let go when I tried to alert him to being unable to breathe. I started to feel it may be intentional, although couldn’t figure out the point of it.
I bought it up, made sure not to accuse, just said that he was cutting off my air supply sometimes when he hugged me
And it stopped for a long time.
Lately, he’s taken to coming up and hugging me from behind if I am sat at my desk etc, which seems lovely but he is hugging me by putting his arm around my throat.
And squeezing.
Being mindful of before, I didn’t react. Because if it is deliberate then he must be looking for a reaction.
The first time, he let go, as you would after a hug
The next time, he repositioned himself slightly, and then ‘hugged’ again, tighter
I still didn’t react, so he shifted slightly and did it again.
This has now happened multiple times
So I no longer feel it’s unintentionally just being a little heavy handed with the hug
The last time he did it, although I hadn’t reacted he says ‘sorry, couldn’t you breathe’
So it’s clear to me that he does know what he’s doing and that he’s looking for me to react and tell him I can’t breathe, so when I haven’t done that, he’s doing it harder to get the reaction
Now, I want to be clear that I am strong enough to push him off me, I’ve allowed it to happen so I can try and figure out what he’s trying to achieve but I do not feel in any real danger and would not let him do it to a point where it was dangerous.
But, am I over reacting to a too tight hug, or is he trying to restrict my breathing?
And if he is, why?
He doesn’t lash out physically when he’s upset or angry or at times where it would make sense (although it still wouldn’t be acceptable)
So what is the point in cutting off my air supply for a few seconds in a hug, and then letting go? When life is otherwise good
I just don’t get it, which is why I thought it wasn’t intentional but there’s just no way it can be accidental at this point,
incase it’s relevant, he isn’t controlling in any way, in fact I have the most control in our lives, including with finances.