to think women still get the blame even if they opt out of gift giving for husbands side of the family?

I am naturally organised and my husband has adhd and is dreadful at organisation. The only presents he buys are for me and he does it brilliantly and on time. I buy everyone else's and am happy to do it . One Christmas, his mum opened her present and " thank you Ahwig it's fabulous " my husband jokingly said " how comes I don't get a thank you ?"
My mother in law instantly covered up the present and said, " ok what did you buy me then?"
His reply was " err, well err" " exactly " she said " and that's why I thanked your wife" 😂

No chance, I do mine, he does his.

I don't understand why you care even a tiny bit about such ridiculous people? If I got a message blaming me for this I would ignore it. If someone blamed me to my face I would ask them why on earth they thought it was my problem. Then I would lessen my contact with them substantially because I don't need foolishness in my life.

I bought DP's family (sister and kids) presents one Xmas and one Xmas only, because he was in hospital. Never offered before or since. Not sure I know when any of their birthdays actually are. Not my problem!

I'm curious now, do the in-laws buy for the DILs?

Ignore them. They can take it up with him. If it was important to him, he would do it.

I don't get involved - it their responsibility;

No, but I also never took on that role.

Birthdays and corresponding to-do task a week or so before are on our family calendar, though, so we don't each have to create our own system for tracking them. By default DH does anything for his family and I do anything for mine (we split non-relatives as well) but we can both see it and it's easy to trade tasks between us. But for people we both have relationships with who we aren't seeing day-of we both text or call independently (and remind older DC to do the same) in addition to anything going in the mail or celebrations that will happen on a different day, so neither of us is relying on the other to ensure a birthday gets any recognition from us at all.

I think having done it for so long is what is making the transition tough. Share your system with your DH once (if you don't keep a family calendar then give it to him as a list when he's sitting around not doing anything else "if you want to add them all in at once") and consider whether you're willing to tell him that you'll do a transition year where you remind him once for each occasion to make sure it gets in his calendar - DH and I do these sorts of collaborative transitions when passing off tasks one of us has always handled. Otherwise I'd just push through the transition... call or text people you have a relationship to tell them happy birthday from you and deflect any card/gift discussion towards your DH.

I've been with DH for around 30 years and I've only got a vague idea because my memory is shit and I can't remember exactly when the various birthday get togethers occur and whose birthday which occasion was for. I know DHs sisters because it's on the same days as our sons. Other than that I think his dads is around jun to aug and his mums is around sep to oct. But i wouldn't put money on it.

I have never bought a present or card for DH’s side of the family. His family, his problem…I have my own to deal with.

Presumably tho, PIL etc buy their son’s partner presents? I’d feel awful if my partner was crap at gifts or forgot, if they put thought into my present. I get on with my in-laws reasonably well so don’t mind sharing the load present-buying wise. After all they do for us I wouldn’t want them to feel under appreciated.

@BeforeWinter of course you don't need to take action. But you literally said (after 30ish years) "I have no idea when his parents' or siblings' or nieces' or nephews' birthdays are -- why would I?"

Ah got it.

Ah - ok.

My point is that this doesn't need to translate into taking action. It's irrelevant whether his nephew's birthday is in October or June if I'm not the one finding out what he would like for a present and buying, it, wrapping it and sending it.

Well you could easily look at it from the other side, why wouldn't you remember in advance? If DH buys/sends a card to his Gran every July for 20 years then odds are his Grans birthday is in July. If you've been invited to his nephews birthday tea every October for the past 5 years then chances are he has an October birthday.
Regardless of who's "side" it is, or who's "job" it is to remember, surely it's not beyond the realms of possibilities that many people actually would have an idea!

I've never bought presents for DH family, and he is perfectly capable of remembering to buy them himself. I do think he sometimes buys somewhat rubbish presents, but that's not my problem.

It's not been a problem for me. It never occurred to me to do it for DH's family and sometimes he'll forget and it's fine. His family aren't big on gifts, they don't even send him a birthday gift or card these days (they will send them for the dcs).

I've never done it and never been blamed when he doesn't do it. I think if you do it and then stop I can see people could complain as they suddenly stop getting presents - but nothing to do with you

Yep I had this from my ex mil a few times…it’s up to him to sort them! They never did, annoyed me no end!! If he ever did sort them it was done late.

DPs sister and mother get annoyed about missed gifts etc all the time. I’ve told my DP and his family that gifts for his side are not my responsibility. I have a massive family so I have enough on my plate. I think after 13 years they’re starting to get the message.

Do they actually blame you to your face or is it they are frosty with you both after a missed birthday? If your husband tell them not to blame you, every single time, perhaps you need to spell it out to them. Remind them it’s his job to buy for his relatives and he obviously doesn’t want to or he would put a reminder on a calendar. His phone can be set up to practically nag him , so🤷🏻‍♀️

I've never taken this responsibility, but am pretty sure MIL is baffled by it because all her other son's wives do. She has on numerous occasions asked me to buy presents for our kids on her behalf, and I always direct her to DP to do this - I already make suggestions for both my (divorced) parents to buy the kids, am not doing it for her as well when he is perfectly capable. Always goes down like a lead balloon

An older female relative of mine has this attitude. She showers her spoiled, man-child son with gifts and money all year round and when he only makes the bare minimum effort on her birthday and Christmas, it’s his partner’s fault.

But why would I remember in advance? Obviously I will show up to parties and and send a birthday text on the day if DH reminds me, but it's his family, so his job to remember significant dates in time to organise cards, presents, surprise parties or whatever. Same as I wouldn't expect him to be sending flowers to my mum for her birthday.

You are being unreasonable to give any credence to their sexist nonsense. It's not your job and anyone who thinks otherwise is a r4egressive MCP.

You could go all Mumsnet on their arses and tell them to give their heads a wobble.