to think women still get the blame even if they opt out of gift giving for husbands side of the family?

Pure sexism raised within the family.

Women should care about everyone and always remind or do the work.

Men shouldn’t have to remember anyone’s birthday because someone else should have always remembered.

It’s a miracle some of those men manage to tie their own shoe laces. Watch out for the men wearing slip ons 🤣

Nope, it doesn't remotely depend on that unless you're suggesting that men who don't remember and buy for their partners' family, must hate them? And of course hate their own family too if they can't be arsed to buy anything themselves?

I don't get blamed why would I?

It's got nothing to do with how much people like their partners family! Or are we to deduce that if they don't do cards and gifts then actually they don't like their family very much 🤔.

That's the patriarchy in action. Men don't do it as they see it as womens work.

I guess it depends how much you like some or all of DH's members of the family.
DH is always the one remembering without having any reminders or notes anywhere. Obviously I remember my family.
What we do we either go ahead and buy/send/give and mention this has happened. Or, if either of us is short of time or forgot we tell each other and whoever is available sorts out the gift/card situation.
It just so happens I love getting gifts for children on his side of the family and I enjoy getting involved if I actually remember the date. But most of the times he's already on the case.
Christmas cards for both families and friends, I do those myself because I actually like all these people and enjoy writing proper messages, sometimes with a longer note for those we haven't seen in a while. DH sorts out his own Christmas cards for special work related contacts.

I've never done DPs either, it's up to him.

I am always surprised how many people on here say their MILs blame them, these women must be in the 50's/60's which is where I am and I find it so old fashioned. I think the approach to take is to be surprised- I mean why wouldn't an adult remember his families birthdays and choose a card and gift?

If they can't be bothered it shows they aren't bothered about birthdays and gifts etc and this includes their own birthday.

If they care about this so much, maybe they should have raised him better.

Not only that but there would be no negative consequences. Birthdays pass, no gifts are given and yet everyone still gets on with each other and the work still gets done. There is no need at all to think about birthdays in a professional context. No one cares.

Yep, my husband always makes a slight comment about our SIL presumably (he doesn't even know for sure) not making his brother do more. I remind him it's not her job to do that, I don't do it for him! Then he tries to backtrack 🤣

My SIL and I both made the pact to stop this shit at the same time. (We remember each other’s bdays!) We have also explained to our kids why there won’t be presents from dad/uncle (but we make up for it in other ways.) MIL very vocal about this but kids understand.

I've stopped buying for DH parents over the last couple of years. He does manage to get them a voucher so all fine there. What drives me mad is the look of surprised delight that he's remembered and bought them something (they know I have handed the job back to him). I mean it's not like I have been doing it for the last twenty years!!!! I'm at a loss as to why my gift giving hasn't been met with exclamations of pride and adoration especially as my gifts actually involved some thought!!!!! I get on with them very well by the way!

I do smile to myself when I explain to DH that as they are so over the moon he can just crack on forever now 😁

I have mostly worked with men, and one of the things I enjoyed about it was no presents. Now I’m in a company of mostly men but there’s two women (out of 40) other than me, and now we’ve got an endless parade of gifts to contribute towards, and socials that none of us want to get involved in.

Oh yes, damned if you do and damned if you don't. That's why the best my SO's relatives can get from me are smartshow 3d video cards because I do them anyway for my distant relatives. I agree that you shouldn't have started, but what's done is done. So much of our input goes unnoticed, but skip the gift once and you'll never hear the end of it.

Same! Drives me insane but I feel like I can’t win.
I do it because they make a huge effort for all of us so I would hate them to think I had forgotten them and upset them on their birthday.

He is just disorganised. Every part of his life is disorganised except for the bits I help with 🙈
Its great in a way though because if he has an idea that I’m not a fan of (he is desperate to get his motor bike licence and they scare me to death) I just leave him to it because I know he’ll never get round to it 😂

My MIL got out her birthday book so I could write down the family birthdays. I told her I found it annoying enough having to do it for my own family, so I certainly wouldn't be doing DHs. I'm proud of myself for that!

Organising presents and cards is a joint effort here, we both have input and work it between us regardless of whose side of the family it is.

I know that if I'm working with mostly men, no one would organise a leaving/birthday present and I'm not doing it so this tracks .

Yep absolutely. I stopped around 15 years ago, left it to dh. One Xmas he emailed a family member to ask what they wanted and they replied asking why I wasn't sorting it when he's busy working. Lol.

They rarely get anything these days and I'm sure I get the blame.

I got myself into this, sadly, because I used to love buying cards and gifts and thinking what to get that the person would like, etc, so I ended up doing DP’s side of the family. Fifteen years later and I no longer enjoy buying cards and presents, and most especially not for DP’s family. I’ve said I’m not doing it any more but he just sails on by not bothering, and then I feel guilty. 😬

His mum is especially bad — she gets offended if there is no present, but he can do no wrong, so somehow the blame must be pinned on me…. However, I have solved this by getting her a card and some small things (that she actually likes, eg a book and some chocolates) just from me and DD; and then if he doesn’t buy a present for her….that’s his lookout and he looks bad next to us.

Of course we get the blame (from sexist people); the trick is to not care. That's how we get sucked into all the extra mental-load stuff in the first place - because we're daft enough to care whether other people think we're Womaning Wrong.

Fake it til you make it - don't do it, and act like you don't care. The sky won't fall, and after a few goes you actually won't care.

It's tricky when present swapping in person, at Christmas. My SIL used to get lovely little extras for us, including thoughtful things for me. In return, DP would hand over the exact thing she'd asked for and nothing more. Bloody embarrassing but the alternative would be me adding to my already crazy Christmas shopping list.

We only do the kids now thank god, it was excruciating.

My mother always did the presents for my father's side of the family, she also bought the cards, but made him write them. So when I got married in 1980, I did the same because I thought that was what women did. I did used to involve my H - made him ring his family and ask what they'd like, sent him shopping for certain things, but all the remembering and planning was down to me, even though I wrote everything on a big calendar in the kitchen. One time we left a card and present for his aunt (who was single) at his mother's house and for some reason it didn't get to her. She wrote such a nasty letter to him, but in it she blamed me. She said she wasn't going to get presents for us or our children again. We didn't answer and she got over it, but by that time, so was I!

I don't do it for DP, but hilariously his family just don't seem to understand that. It's been 15 years.

Every single Christmas, they thank me lavishly and start talking about the objects they've received, while ignoring DP. I often don't even know what it is. He isn't brilliant at it though, and often forgets, making me look bad. His mum messages me to remind me to get something for his sister's birthday, I have to gently say tell DP! It's funny because if it were brought up they would all say of course he should do it, I work longer hours for a start.

Edit to say: the only exception to this is my lovely teenage nieces on DP's side, who I have a good relationship with. I love buying for them.