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Original poster

AIBU not wanting in laws staying at our house as soon as baby is born

90 replies

PrincessMarma · 05/03/2025 12:10

Hello. (please bare with)

My husband is italian and we are lucky in the fact that my child (age 5) summers in Italy for the summer holidays with his parents (my inlaws) his cousins, and wider family, we join for 2/3 weeks during the summer. He has the best time.

I am due beginning of August this year and my husband will probably take our child to Italy at the end of July (20 or so), at the end of the school holidays and then return home. He told me yesterday that his parents would be returning our child once the baby was born, like within the week. His reasoning was that it would be better than him going to pick up child no 1.

It then transpired that I could either leave child in Italy for the full summer, so wouldn't meet sibling for a few weeks, or he could return home with his parents and his parents would stay for at least a week. AIBU to think that neither of those options are really ideal?

I do understand that his parents are 60's and cannot just jump back on a return flight but do they have to stay at our house? I don't like to be crowded in our space at the best of times, but just after birth?! I would prefer noone was around!?!

I think I just need to hear some opinions on the situation / a fresh outlook on the outcome?! AIBU??

Thank you!

OP posts:
Kitchensinktoday · 05/03/2025 12:40

Shinyandnew1 · 05/03/2025 12:33

I'd just keep your DS with you, rather than going abroad to stay with them this summer, so he can get to know the new baby.

This! Good suggestion and easier all round.

Kitchensinktoday · 05/03/2025 12:37

IhaveanewTVnow · 05/03/2025 12:28

Stop the ageist “they are 60” so can’t travel. Of course we can if we have kept our fitness just like 30 year olds. Honestly you make us all sound like we should be in a care home.

I was about to say this. I'm nearly 60 and still travel as much as I did in my 30s.

Lavender14 · 05/03/2025 12:37

I would keep your child with you around the birth of their sibling so they feel included and are also given time to prepare for their sibling arriving and bond with them, especially as they may feel a little more clingy to you when baby comes. Being away from you during that time might be really difficult for your child during such a big transition in their immediate family. Plus, I wouldn't want your dh traveling with them so close to your due date incase baby came early. I'd have the in laws come to you but stay in an air bnb nearby so they can take your child out and spend time with them and also visit you regularly without having to impose or be hosted. Obviously this is an ongoing arrangement you have which everyone seems to feel really good about and I'd be inclined to change it for this year and resume to normal plan for next year .

poetryandwine · 05/03/2025 12:33

Popskipiekin · 05/03/2025 12:25

I know this is very typical culturally but do you not think you’ll miss DC1 when DC2 is born? Just from my personal experience, I really wanted to get back to DC1 after only a night in hospital with DC2.

Do you think better to keep DC1 at home at start of holidays, let them meet DC2 with not much delay, then after a couple weeks as a family your DH could take DC1 out to Italy, or your parents in law could come for quick visit before taking DC1 back with them?

This is a great idea except I thought that perhaps the Italian grandparents would have other DGC with them?

Shinyandnew1 · 05/03/2025 12:33

I'd just keep your DS with you, rather than going abroad to stay with them this summer, so he can get to know the new baby.

poetryandwine · 05/03/2025 12:32

This is def a cultural thing.

I think Italians would find it odd not to be staying with you, unless it is incredibly crowded (and perhaps even then).

I do understand your feelings, but it sounds like you very much appreciate the summer arrangements, and (from what you have said about the cousins) the possibility of including your new child in them, in time.

It can’t all be one way. Given DS loves the summer house party, might he enjoy the extra time in Italy as an alternative? I know that sounds weird at first, but it gives you more time to devote to the baby and I don’t think it will affect DS’ bond with his sibling.

Otherwise I think it would be prudent to suck it up. Sorry about that.

Spondoolies · 05/03/2025 12:29

I would not be letting the elder child go to Italy on this occasion. Too close to your due date and will cause a lot of extra stress. Your husband should not be flying abroad within the last couple of weeks of your pregnancy either.

IhaveanewTVnow · 05/03/2025 12:28

Stop the ageist “they are 60” so can’t travel. Of course we can if we have kept our fitness just like 30 year olds. Honestly you make us all sound like we should be in a care home.

Popskipiekin · 05/03/2025 12:25

I know this is very typical culturally but do you not think you’ll miss DC1 when DC2 is born? Just from my personal experience, I really wanted to get back to DC1 after only a night in hospital with DC2.

Do you think better to keep DC1 at home at start of holidays, let them meet DC2 with not much delay, then after a couple weeks as a family your DH could take DC1 out to Italy, or your parents in law could come for quick visit before taking DC1 back with them?

PatriciaHolm · 05/03/2025 12:23

Maybe it would be best to delay your oldest going to see them until after the baby is born?

Realistically, either way, this summer might be difficult because the oldest is going to feel pushed out by the baby, particularly if he gets off to Italy pretty much just before or after it's born.

TheSandgroper · 05/03/2025 12:21

If they are the useful type, it may be good.

If they aren’t the useful type, think about what you want and say to Dh “this is what’s happening this time “.

Lollypop701 · 05/03/2025 12:21

I think you may insult them if they have to stay in a hotel. It’s a week, I’d suck it up

Lentilweaver · 05/03/2025 12:19

This is a cultural thing and there is no easy answer.
Would they stay in a hotel?

SackChute · 05/03/2025 12:18

Do you stay with them for the 2/3 weeks each summer?

ByWildLimeCat · 05/03/2025 12:17

Do you have the space?
I’d say given the amount they’re doing for you with your eldest son you can’t just send them straight back again; if there’s no room could they be set up in an AirBnB or something like that close by?

Also, I assume they won’t arrive the day baby is born so you should be able to get a few early days leeway! I know what you mean though, it’s tough. My in laws arrived on Day 5 (also live abroad) - but they did stay in a local hotel.