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Original poster

AIBU not wanting in laws staying at our house as soon as baby is born

90 replies

PrincessMarma · 05/03/2025 12:10

Hello. (please bare with)

My husband is italian and we are lucky in the fact that my child (age 5) summers in Italy for the summer holidays with his parents (my inlaws) his cousins, and wider family, we join for 2/3 weeks during the summer. He has the best time.

I am due beginning of August this year and my husband will probably take our child to Italy at the end of July (20 or so), at the end of the school holidays and then return home. He told me yesterday that his parents would be returning our child once the baby was born, like within the week. His reasoning was that it would be better than him going to pick up child no 1.

It then transpired that I could either leave child in Italy for the full summer, so wouldn't meet sibling for a few weeks, or he could return home with his parents and his parents would stay for at least a week. AIBU to think that neither of those options are really ideal?

I do understand that his parents are 60's and cannot just jump back on a return flight but do they have to stay at our house? I don't like to be crowded in our space at the best of times, but just after birth?! I would prefer noone was around!?!

I think I just need to hear some opinions on the situation / a fresh outlook on the outcome?! AIBU??

Thank you!

OP posts:
Shinyandnew1 · 05/03/2025 14:29

PrincessMarma · 05/03/2025 14:15

@boulevardofbrokendreamss @Codlingmoths

The only reason for him going this year is for childcare purposes whilst I am giving birth, other than that I can look after him as i will be on maternity leave during the school holidays this year.

Right, so you are dependant on them for some pretty crucial childcare this summer then?

What spare rooms do you have in the house? I'd probably suggest they stayed with you for a weekend, but if they want to stay any longer, suggest an Airbnb or hotel,

Original poster
PrincessMarma · 05/03/2025 14:15

@boulevardofbrokendreamss @Codlingmoths

The only reason for him going this year is for childcare purposes whilst I am giving birth, other than that I can look after him as i will be on maternity leave during the school holidays this year.

OP posts:
Original poster
PrincessMarma · 05/03/2025 14:12

Ellie1015 · 05/03/2025 13:53

Could you and dh afford to pay for accommodation nearby? Not fair to expect them to drop eldest off and go straight home. Equally not fair for you to have hosting duties so soon after birth.

If possible I would make Italy trip happen for your son if he is keen to go as that is his usual routine. I would want him back soon after birth though.

I have suggested that I can pay for their accomodation - it's just one little load off my shoulders, you know.

OP posts:
Codlingmoths · 05/03/2025 14:10

! Husband doesn't really do chores, and wouldn't expect guests to, so this would fall on me.
no fucking way. I’d invite friends for dinner this weekend and tell dh he is cleaning and cooking because hell will freeze over before I have a newborn and am doing all the hosting for his parents, so he has 3 options- 1. take son for a few days / week and return with him. 2. Son doesn’t go this summer 3. Dh does everything around the house for the next month to demonstrate he’s capable because you are not hosting. Everything. There is no 4thh option.

Original poster
PrincessMarma · 05/03/2025 14:09

@Stanislas @Iloveeverycat

I never said 60 was old in the slightest, I just know his parents and their level of activeness. I did not mean any disrespect.

OP posts:
Original poster
PrincessMarma · 05/03/2025 14:07

Psychologymam · 05/03/2025 13:41

So you want your in laws to provide free child care for a few weeks, travel internationally to bring him back so your husband doesn’t have to do it, but they should take themselves off quickly because you don’t want them in the way. It’s not a culture problem, it’s a you problem as a far as I can see.
firstly I wouldn’t send my child away when you’re having another - it’s a time of upheaval for them so a bit of maternal support and connection would be appropriate. Secondly if your in-laws provide free child care suck it up and offer them a bed and cup of tea.

Firstly, as stated above, they do not provide free childcare for a few weeks. He is usually there without wither of us for 5-7 days MAX and we pay towards his bed and board whilst he is there and I would actually prefer my husband to do it. I would want and prefer my older child to stay with me so they can bond, but the ONLY reason he would be going in the first place is because we do not have any childcare in this country.

Secondly, I never once said it was a culture problem - if I had any family alive I would not want them to be in our house just after birth either...

Lastly, they don't drink tea - maybe it's the culture ;)

OP posts:
boulevardofbrokendreamss · 05/03/2025 14:05

I wouldn't send my eldest away to come back to a new baby. Just say plans have changed this summer and he'll be staying with you.

Stanislas · 05/03/2025 13:56

At 60 I was regularly picking up my granddaughter and flying back home with her. If timetabling possible I would fly out in the morning and back home with her in the evening. Dd and her husband worked for an American company with minimal holidays and they lived in a country which had long holidays where nurseries were also shut. Sixty year olds are generally capable. I couldn’t do it now at 80.

Iloveeverycat · 05/03/2025 13:53

60s is not old

Ellie1015 · 05/03/2025 13:53

Could you and dh afford to pay for accommodation nearby? Not fair to expect them to drop eldest off and go straight home. Equally not fair for you to have hosting duties so soon after birth.

If possible I would make Italy trip happen for your son if he is keen to go as that is his usual routine. I would want him back soon after birth though.

Serennityoption · 05/03/2025 13:47

thepariscrimefiles · 05/03/2025 13:29

I agree with the other posters suggesting that you keep your older child at home with you this summer then you won't have the difficulty of your in-laws travelling to bring him back and staying for the week straight after you have given birth.

This ^

Psychologymam · 05/03/2025 13:41

So you want your in laws to provide free child care for a few weeks, travel internationally to bring him back so your husband doesn’t have to do it, but they should take themselves off quickly because you don’t want them in the way. It’s not a culture problem, it’s a you problem as a far as I can see.
firstly I wouldn’t send my child away when you’re having another - it’s a time of upheaval for them so a bit of maternal support and connection would be appropriate. Secondly if your in-laws provide free child care suck it up and offer them a bed and cup of tea.

thepariscrimefiles · 05/03/2025 13:29

I agree with the other posters suggesting that you keep your older child at home with you this summer then you won't have the difficulty of your in-laws travelling to bring him back and staying for the week straight after you have given birth.

Serennityoption · 05/03/2025 13:27

It would be my worst nightmare. Put your foot down @PrincessMarma .

Original poster
PrincessMarma · 05/03/2025 13:27

Thank you for all the responses, I didn't expect to get so much negativeity and judgement though!

I will try and answer the general themes throughout.

60's - I wasn't being ageist - I know his parents, so know what they are like, active-wise.

No, he doesn't stay at their house, they go to the beach, and stay in a large shared house with 3 x aunty's, uncles, husbands, brother, sons, cousins etc... We contribute financially towards this. He would be 'without' us for a week at any given time (my husband can work from anywhere so he stays as long as possible).

Our house is 2.5 bedroom, with a small living room and bathroom and so can be very crowded if anyone comes to stay.

I am not trying to keep them away for 'months' just would like a bit of privacy and not have to host as soon as I have given birth! Husband doesn't really do chores, and wouldn't expect guests to, so this would fall on me.

Also, they don't speak english and as much as I have tried (evening classes, GCSE, AS level), I don't speaak Italian, so we can only communicate through husband and even then he only says things that won't rock the boat. When they have visited us and they stay it's fine, crowded and a little awkward due to the language barrier, but fine.

I am grateful for them especially because I have no family, so we have noone else, so if child no 1 didn't go to Italy at the end of the school term, then we would have nowhere for him to go. But I am also my own person, I do everything for my family and myself. I keep the house and am the one that will change my work schedule if child no 1 has school clubs, or illness etc. wouldn't have it any other way, so find it difficult when people want to help. I just want to do what is best for everyone and I guess ultimately, it won't be what is best for me!

OP posts:
Springsunflower · 05/03/2025 13:24

They care for your eldest all summer ,and most probably this new baby too
And you can't put them up for a few days ..
That's a lot your asking of them ,and very little they are asking in return.
I know you will of just given birth ,and we all like our space at that time ..but I don't know anyone who gets that amount of childcare provided,so really ,as uncomfortable as it makes you feel ,I think you'd look very unfair saying no .
Besides,don't you miss your 5 year old
All summer is a very long time
How many years have they been going all summer for

Gloriia · 05/03/2025 12:53

I think if your pils have been having your dc for weeks in the Summer then you can have them for a week post birth.

When did these holidays in Italy without his parents start out of interest as he is only 5?

Spacehop · 05/03/2025 12:52

Kitchensinktoday · 05/03/2025 12:37

I was about to say this. I'm nearly 60 and still travel as much as I did in my 30s.

Show quote history

It's not age-related but I wouldn't have wanted to fly somewhere and then go straight back even at 30. However I would be quite happy to stay in an Air BnB for a week. Couldn't you float this? Wouldn't your DH support you? I do think some of the people who say ILs can't see the new baby for months are a bit bonkers but it's surely ok not to have them staying immediately post partum. I know there are cultural differences but why should his culture trump yours. You are the one that's just given birth after all!

Gogogo12345 · 05/03/2025 12:52

Shinyandnew1 · 05/03/2025 12:33

I'd just keep your DS with you, rather than going abroad to stay with them this summer, so he can get to know the new baby.

So the DS misses out on an enjoyable summer with his cousins etc to be stuck at home with Mum and a new baby. Sounds crazy to me

Diningtableornot · 05/03/2025 12:50

I’d ask your in-laws to bring back DS a couple of weeks after the birth, and stay for a week. They do so much for you and will be so close to DS that they deserve special treatment.

outerspacepotato · 05/03/2025 12:48

DC 1 being away when your second child is born is a bad idea. He's likely going to come home and feel left out of this huge family event and bonding. He should be included throughout. Plus, your husband travelling so close to your due date, do you have someone in house who can get you to the hospital if you go into labour before your due date? How would he feel about missing the birth and how would you feel about that?

I would cancel this summer's visit. In laws can come when you feel up to visitors.

My husband was Italian and we were living in a tiny NYC walkup with no room to spare and the inlaws were cool with getting a hotel when I had had time to recover.

CrispieCake · 05/03/2025 12:46

Tbh I think this is just the corollary of being lucky enough to have family childcare for the birth of your second child, but not close by. Family have to stay over.

My parents, who live a few hours drive away, stayed to look after DC1 when I had DC2 and so were there when I came home from hospital (and stayed until the next day as there were potential complications with DC2 so DH wanted to be able to be at the hospital). My mother was actually still working then (retired shortly afterwards) and only had a couple of days off so if DC2 hadn't arrived promptly, DH wouldn't have been able to be at the birth unless it happened within school hours.

With the second one, I find you don't get much privacy anyway and it's quite useful to have people around to look after the older one and take them out.

Millymoonshine · 05/03/2025 12:45

I’m very close to dd. However when her dc1 was born we booked an air bnb nearby and I told dd I would text every morning to chk if she needed anything or whether or not she wanted us.
We wouldn’t have dreamed of being in their home for a full week.

If you can afford it book the inlaws a few days in an air bnb nearby.

Pelot · 05/03/2025 12:44

If DS1 is excited to go to Italy for his usual summer holiday I would never keep him from it for a baby who won't be the slightest bit interesting or fun. It's a sure way to build resentment from day 1. I think you'll massively insult them if you ask them to stay in a hotel if you stay with them in their home every year. I'd let them stay. They sound like they really love your son and will adore the baby. That's a gift so many people don't get.

harijes · 05/03/2025 12:42

I would keep son with you until baby is here for sure.

When exactly are holidays. You say end of July is end of holidays?

How long does he usually go for.

It sounds like you have a great relationship with them, talk it out.

What's the space like? You might be better with help initially when the first few days are crazy.