AIBU not wanting in laws staying at our house as soon as baby is born

I’m sorry op, you’re getting these responses because people are bitter that you get weeks of childcare during summer. God forbid.

Your husband is the main issue here though. He needs to speak to them and say then staying would be stressful but that they can stay in an air b&b and you’ll pay and they can come and visit. He also needs to start contributing to his household.

God so because grandparents spend time with grandchildren which what my mum always said was a privilege, a new mum should have them to stay just as she gives birth in a small house? I’ve seen loads of threads when grandparents stay a few hours away and everyone always advises ops to set boundaries and put herself first. It shouldn’t be tit for tat, presumably grandparents enjoy their time with grandchildren and it doesn’t come with strings attached and being made to feel uncomfortable in your own home

So you want to bleed in peace in your own home, recover from the birth, be bare chested if breast feeding, walk around your own home barely dressed with a newborn attached with very little sleep learning who the new human is and feeling as peaceful as you can.

Yup sounds super reasonable. Your lovely in laws sleeping on the floor and you feeling a burden of having to "host" is not what you need at that moment in time. I think a lovely close AirBnB is the way forward for everyone. So nice to have the summer childcare from your in-laws and extended family - aunts uncles. You sound entirely reasonable and people are clearly not reading the post correctly. You know it's the right course of action. You also don't need the stress of thinking about it for the next five months. Please feel empowered, protect that gorgeous baby bubble.

@PrincessMarma I have Italian in-laws too. I wouldn’t be too hung up on notions of ‘culture’: mine have always stayed in an AirBnB since our DD was born. So I would definitely look into that possibility. It’s also ‘cultural’ that Italian nonnas get stuck into things around the house & with kids! So would your MIL be of some help post-baby, even if you need to issue instructions through DH? Mine was great with cooking, washing, and a bit of helping with the baby. FIL mostly ‘supervised’ But did enjoy holding DD, and also did some jobs around the house and garden.

I would tend to agree with others that it might be easier for your DS to stay home this summer. Use summer camps & DH’s flexibility to WFH to manage things.

But if you do send DS to Italy and the in-laws bring him home, then I’d insist on the AirBnB if they want to stay more than a night or two. Remind them they’ll get way more sleep that way!

Oh no are there lots of other people in this scenario who are also having a baby and need the same childcare and the op is selfishly thinking ONLY of herself?? Oh wait, she is the only one giving birth. So no shit she is thinking of what will work for her.

i am totally stuck on the op working and doing all the housework and all the childcare and her husband doing… nothing? What does he do apart from bring in a salary, he’d have a job if you didn’t exist so that’s not for you. What do you mean he won’t be doing anything? Op when you’ve given birth, he should be doing all the childcare cooking and cleaning for his parental leave. Please start insisting on that now. He has time to practice some meals. You deserve this from your partner and the baby’s father.

Husband doesn’t really do chores? Well, that needs working on . I’d put them up. They may be a bigger help than he is .

"You and only you"

You mean the ONLY person in this scenario who will be birthing a full human being and then having to recover from it? You really can't see why someone in that particular situation may not want to have to host people in their home?? Really??

OP, we were in your shoes - no (useful/helpful) family in this country, other family on the other side of the world.

You would be AMAZED what friends will step in to do if asked or even hinted at. My friends knew that we'd be flying solo with DS2 and at least three local friends (NCT, nursery) offered to take DS1 (who was four at the time) any time, day or night if we needed them.

So DS1 got picked up from nursery and spent the night his brother was born at a friend's place at DH picked him up at breakfast time.

If people think you've got it covered, they won't offer. Do think about this option.

Otherwise, I'd go with the alternative accommodation. Tell, don't ask. Your house is too small for them to stay immediately after you've had a newborn. Your DH will need to convey that you will usually try to accommodate his/their culture but immediately after giving birth, yours takes priority and they should afford it equal respect.

You seem to want their child care and assistance to suit you, and only you. Is there actually room for them in your home. If they are with you they will surely be some help in looking after your firstborn who will, if you have your way miss out on his much loved time with his cousins and extended family.

You’re having a second kid. You will not be able to work, childcare and do all the chores.

he needs to step up. You could go into labour early rather than the time you have planned. I would just keep your kid home and book a babysitter for when you give birth. A company like Sitters will be able to help.

make friends with school mums etc while you are on maternity so you have a wider circle. Also consider joining antenatal classes like NCT simply for the friendships and support.

tell your husband that if he brings his parents back that he will be in charge of feeding everyone etc.

YABU.

What is the reason your husband doesn’t do “chores” ?

Dont know why you are getting so much stick for this post. Who the hell would want non english speaking, non helpful in laws over a few days after birth who will just sit around and expect you to run after them?

Just because they are helpful with childcare during the summer (which is also beneficial to them btw assuming the love their grandson, it's hardly a chore) doesnt mean they get to come and be annoying straight after birth.

THIS!

In your shoes I would:
Keep DC1 at home. DH can work from home, your son can try a summer camp in the mornings, and DH can pick him up at lunchtimes and learn to pull his weight a bit as you are heavily pregnant by then.
You need to sort a reliable babysitter who you can have the confidence to call on in the middle of the night if necessary. Also an opportunity to have some nights out over Easter and days off with your son spending some time in daylight hours with a minder so they are used to each other.
Then:
Firstly, babies don't turn up like the proverbial German train. Inlaws can come and visit for a week at the end of August when hopefully the baby is safely delivered? You could book a holiday house away if funds permit so there is space for you all and you don't feel claustrophobic in a small house with a wailing newborn and in-laws on the other side of the wall.

The timing is a bit of a shame - with you on mat leave and your husband flexible you could have potentially had a few weeks in Italy once DC2 was vaccinated but DC1 will be in school by then. Might be nice to promise Easter or half term in May 26 though?

Don't send your child to Italy this summer. Simple.

I agree . This is a big part of the problem. He should be hosting his parents and caring for DS while you recover. No way should all this work be on your shoulders especially now.

@PrincessMarma

In your opening post you said that your child spends the whole summer holidays in Italy with your husbands family, and stated ‘we join them for 2/3 weeks’. If I remember correctly, school summer holidays are 6 or 7 weeks, so I wonder why you said in later posts that your child is only without you there for a few days or a week?

The numbers don't add up.

Get the husband sorted first, not doing any chores is wild! How can you have any respect for a man that would expect you to host days after giving birth?

Secondly, can you not seriously look into some sort of babysitting service nearby that would look after your son whilst your give birth? Or any close friends? You have time to let a babysitter and your son get to know each other.

I dont know why you are being given a hard time about his parents age, some people in there 60s might as well be in there 90s. People are so touchy about things like this on MN. Ignore those idiots.

Dont know why you are getting so much stick for this post. Who the hell would want non english speaking, non helpful in laws over a few days after birth who will just sit around and expect you to run after them?

Just because they are helpful with childcare during the summer (which is also beneficial to them btw assuming the love their grandson, it's hardly a chore) doesnt mean they get to come and be annoying straight after birth.

Yes, sure. But I guess worst case my husband can come to the hospital with child no 1 once I've given birth.

Are you suggesting your in laws don't come at all and you give birth without your husband, so he can look after your eldest?

Your in laws are Italian.
They largely do this.
Based on said matter, my husband would never be Italian.
Good luck.

Your husband not doing chores needs dealing with TODAY.