AIBU not wanting in laws staying at our house as soon as baby is born

I hate people staying but even I would suck this up for everything they give back. What a lovely lifestyle for your children!

Truly, only English people act like having family stay after you give birth is the absolute end of the world. It's so weird.

OP even with all your updates I think you should let them stay a week. It is not your first child and it is ONE week. Buy some buffet food so it's easy for them to make themselves breakfast and lunch, spend a lot of time breastfeeding in your room, and don't alienate and disrespect your son's beloved grandparents.

I am.saying this in the context that your child does not go to Italy before so they can come at a time later thar works for you all and you don't feel obligated

I don't get how many young people seem to think that people in their 60s or 70s are 'old', meaning physically incapable of very much.

My FIL is nearing 80 and frequently goes on walks of several miles with his friends.

Hugh Grant, Sandra Bullock, George Clooney, Brad Pitt. All over 60 - yeah they're really decrepit 🤔

Anyway, they are doing you a huge favour each year, so personally I'd be more lenient, especially as you know what you're doing. Not like with a first baby when you're totally green and discovering what works for you all.

And op if dh won't do chores when you are post partum then he hires cleaners and people to do the laundry etc

No the husband wants this of his parents.

Hello
Just wanted to say you are definitely not being unreasonable.
One week post partum is an incredibly emotional and physical hard time you will be recovering from birth, establishing feeding and bonding with your baby. If you think any of that will be more challenging with your in laws in your house then no you ar3 not being unreasonable at all. It is about you and your baby. Obviously this is different if you think it will be helpful but if you are unsure and just want your husband and other child then please please go with that.
Post partum is a difficult.time and we can develop post natal mental health issues so you do not want any more stress at all.
They can come.when the baby is bigger or stay else where if you want them.to come.
Could your child not go to.italy this summer
Your husband should understand

I had my in laws stay and two.other family members for 3 weeks post partum..it was 8 weeks though but took its toll and I found it so intense. They made it all about them and their bond with the baby which I get but also impacted my well being so much. One week post partum is too soon !! Please look after yourself sorry for rant
You only get that time once.

Amen to this.

Hi, @FlySwimmer

Apologies for the delay.

Firstly, I think things are changing for the better over time, something to celebrate.

Secondly, I wanted to find a good source for you. The one I think best is a bit old, from Oxford University. It shows both the gender disparity and the trend. The very loosely approximate title is something like ‘Forty Year Study Pinpoints the Disparity … ‘ (although ‘Fifty’ sticks in my mind, it makes no sense in what I am about to say). I am sure the word ‘pinpoint’ is in the title, also Italy or Italian.

The study says that in the 1980’s Italian women were spending 4 hours per day more than Italian men on housework, and by the 2010’s the disparity had shrunk to around 3 hours per day.

One hardly knows whether that is something to celebrate or not.

If you search on ‘Italian men housework’ there is a lot to suggest that they aren’t, overall, doing a great deal. But the publications are mostly rather casual, so it’s hard to say what is really measured.

its okay to ask them to get a hotel. Anybody who’s had a baby knows how difficult post birth recovery can be. If you’re breastfeeding it’s just easier being uncovered, you don’t want FIL around for that at all times. Also day 4 when the hormones kick in, every woman deserves her privacy!

@poetryandwine are there studies about that division of labour? As it certainly doesn’t describe my Italian DH, nor most of his male friends that are in heterosexual relationships. They’re in their 30s. Maybe it’s more true of an older generation.

@poetryandwine are there studies about that division of labour? As it certainly doesn’t describe my Italian DH, nor most of his male friends that are in heterosexual relationships. They’re in their 30s. Maybe it’s more true of an older generation.

To PPs who are incredulous that OP’s DH does not do chores:

In no way am I defending this, but Italian men generally believe that indoor housework is for women. Within the household, traditional gender roles are fairly rigid. (Yet married Italian couples report relatively high rates of sex. Make of that what you will)

This isn’t to excuse OP’s DH, only to say he is being true to form. Hopefully OP knew what he was like and finds his compensations worthwhile.

Agree

Having a baby is stressful and you are bound to dwell on things. I understand your worry.
What I don’t understand is why you have posted on here. You have called people, negative, rude and judgemental when really they were not, they merely offered what you asked for, a fresh outlook.
I feel as though you perhaps expected everyone to say your husband is wrong so that you could show him the comments? Sadly this has back fired and you have become very defensive adding in/changing information from your initial post. Surely it would be less stressful for you to discuss this with your oh and in laws? They are clearly kind , reliable people or you would not let them have your child for two to three weeks or even the 1 week you later changed it to. And no, I did not get a break from my three children to go to the loo, go out for the evening and certainly not for a whole week, I think that comment to a poster shows your own lack of insight into how little support many mums get and how much your in laws are doing for you.

I'm amazed that you can be parted from your older child for that long.

I don’t think it’s the grandparents dictating that they just have DS, from OPs posts it’s OP who wants DS to go so they have childcare for when she’s in hospital.

I don’t think there’s a perfect solution for anyone. I do find it odd though that you feel they’re incapable of travelling back soon because of their age and yet they’re fine to sleep on the floor? Do they normally stay on the floor when they come?
plenty of larger families live in houses this small because they’re set up to do so either a sofabed or child on an airbed elsewhere for a few nights.
I also feel that in laws get such a poor deal in that because they’re not blood relatives the same hospitality is not extended as your own family (not referring to this instance as that isn’t the case but generally from the comments, people are happy if it’s their own mum but not an in law).
I agree with a previous poster in that reaching out to friends seems to be the most sensible here and have in laws visit a couple of weeks later.
id also give my right and left arm for a family support network like that even if it is in Italy and I’m not really sure you truly appreciate that. Whether you’re with your son or not the fact you have an option not to be is incredibly lucky.
Of course you are allowed time for you but it’s a privilege denied to many but so would definitely be getting your husband to step up!

I wondered this too @PrincessMarma

The issue is your husband and inlaws won't do chores.
I too come from a community where parents visit for long periods and wont stay in a hotel, but they do chores.

Husband doesn't really do chores, and wouldn't expect guests to, so this would fall on me.

Wtf have I just read?

He never does chores? Why? You both work full time.

He would invite guests to stay then he, and they would let you clear up around them?

These are not the kind of guests you need.

My suggestion is your son doesn't go this year. Find someone to have your son while you give birth. Visit Italy together when you're ready.

Why can't they go to a hotel or an AirBnB?

A 2.5 bedroom house is probably too small for four adults and two children at the best of times, and the best of times are not when one person is recovering from giving birth and another person is a newborn.

We have a larger house than OP but my parents always stay in a short term rental when they visit (from much further away.) They get to be more comfortable and less cramped, no one's on a sofa or air mattress, they're just round the corner and can retreat if they need some space/a break from the chaos of our place.

Maybe that's one that can be put to the grandparents. The red line is that staying at the house won't work this time because in a situation where there is no ideal solution for everyone, the person who just gave birth gets priority this one time. So it's their choice - they can have DS as usual and bring him back, and they can have a rental nearby, or DS stays home this year.

But cakeism isn't on the menu.

(The OP's DH being an absolute chocolate teapot is a whole other issue.)

I do think yabu but I can understand why, there is no ideal option for everyone. You can’t really send your in-laws to a hotel if they’re going to be bringing your DS back. So you’re options are not to send your DS at all and DH looks after him, send him and he stays until DH picks him up, or in-laws bring him back and they stay with you.

I think what people are trying to say is, they do a lot for you every year ( them and their children and their children are a massive support network for you), so it would be kind to also treat them with as much warmth.
maybe a good compromise would be to ask them to come not one week post birth but a little later? Maybe week 2 or 3 instead? If they are the helpful sort of grandparents you might be happy for the help too

I don't think you can say 'thanks for all the help with childcare, now go off to a hotel or fly straight back thx bye'

I think you either keep DS1 home over the summer and find another approach with childcare around the birth - agree with @JassyRadlett that people can be very kind if they realise you're on your own. I have been back up childcare for loads of nursery parents with their second and I was always very happy to do it

Or just ask have them to stay for a few days to meet their grandchild.

I wouldn't accept the husband doing no chores