DH wants to start gym every day before work

How old is he?
I started cycling etc in my mid 30s, realising I was getting out of shape. Plus many men start realising that they need to get in shape to be around for the family in their older years.

As I hit 40 I started thinking about dying at 70 and wanted to get that sorted.

I use to go to the gym 2 morning a week (I was out from 550am to 650am - gym was like 2 mins away) and ask DH to get the kids up and sorted. It was the only time I could go as he goes in the evenings. I do pick ups , dinner and showers those three evenings.
It wasn't unreasonable in my case as my DH goes to the gym 3 evening a week (out for 2 hours approx due to distance and class). I now go the 2 evenings he doesn't as 530am wake ups were not fun!

I think in your case tho your DH is unreasonable to ask for every morning esp if there is time in the evenings for him to go instead.

Being self employed does not automatically give him the flexibility to start work later (I realise that MN thinks the self employed can just float around, but it really doesn't work like that) HOWEVER what he is proposing is very unreasonable

I’ve only got one DC, 3, but there’s no way either me or my partner would dream of demanding a specified hour a day during the work week to go to the gym or pursue a hobby!

My partner runs most days, and I run too (although not as much) and we fit it around family life so that we’re both doing our fair share.

A regular hobby outside the house could be accommodated a couple of times a week, definitely not five days.

YANBU, he is, especially when he doesn’t pull his weight anyway.

Why does every thread on here sound like a massive men vs women battle? Holy God!

Yes, we know all men who want time to do things are man babies, useless, workshy, and selfish.

Yes, we know all women are hard done by, selfless, oppressed, have no agency or assertiveness.

Whatever happened to being kind to each other and doing things because it's a nice thing to do? My partner can go chill in the bath etc because I love her, and it's a kind thing to give her time to do.

I cycle most evenings, once child is in bed. It's my way of keeping sane and not being a miserable b×××××d. She allows that because she cares about my sanity. Cos, and I know this is a novel idea, we show kindness to each other!! 😱🤯

In short, get a grip people. It's childish and petty to think "oh so when do I get my time!" It sows resentment, bitterness and ultimately brings about selfishness. If you aren't mature enough to have these convos or care for each other enough to do kind things "just because" then, frankly, you need to grow the hell up.

No wonder so many people are miserable af on here.

I say that w kindness, because I can't stand bullshitting.

I think a better compromise is every other morning or something similar. Training in the evening as late as 9pm isn’t ideal as it’s too late to eat afterwards.
Everyone should have the opportunity to exercise tho so make sure you do too.
It does sound as if he’s checking out of family life tho.
Hats off to you OP, 3 under 3 is crazy!

@Mamof3downsouth if you are doing all the laundry as well as everything else then I suggest you stop washing his gym kit for a start.

By doing everything you are making it easy for him to be selfish. Start ensuring he pulls his weight even if it’s more work initially.

I can well imagine that the hour in the gym will consist of 20 odd minutes of exercise followed by a lovely long shower and a coffee. Twice or three times a week is absolutely enough of this.

Why can't he go when the children are in bed would be my thinking.

If it absolutely has to be in the morning before work then he needs to compromise and not do it every morning he could do 6-7 a weekend morning when there's no school run and another morning of the week and I'd be agreeing where you get the equivalent of the time back but leaving you doing everything in the morning when it's chaotic and a lot of pressure is just ridiculous and to my mind actually quite selfish.

Your husband is obviously addicted to the gym, it is not uncommon but he should fit itn around family needs. You need his help more than he needs to pump iron or whatever early in the morning, five days a week.

There are other ways of getting enough exercise without that. You and the children must come first.

Could you compromise with him going a couple of mornings a week and then a couple of evenings? TBH going to the gym in the evening is difficult (going on the way home is ok but I'd never get there if I had to come home first and go back out again) but I also think expecting you to do every morning on your own is unreasonable.

I wouldn't want to go 8-9pm either, as I'd have had dinner by then and would feel sick and get stitch training on a full stomach. Perhaps he's the same and would rather go in the morning on an empty stomach.

However....I don't have 3 kids and can do as I like!

"Oh, that's nice. I'm guessing you've organised a nanny to help for that hour and worked out how you're going to earn the extra money needed to pay for it? Because surely you didn't think you could just swan off for an hour a day whilst I do all the work for your 3 kids, did you?"

I feel like its 1950 again sometimes on MN. This is ridiculous, when do you get to go to the gym. Why can't you take turns in going to the gym before the day starts? Or maybe, is there a creche or somewhere you can drop the children while you do classes or swim, or relax.. whatever you like doing? I used to love just running around a track twice a week was very therapeutic and was good for my mind.

Then when he comes home at 5 you meet up with friends to the pub or just leave him to it to have time for yourself too a couple of days a week. He sounds like another selfish man child :-(

My husband goes to the gym every morning but it sounds like a very different set up.
We have 6yr old (home educated), 4yr old (special school) & 2 yr old (nursery/ home). I’m a SAHM and he works from home.

He is an early riser and naturally gets up at 6ish so he tends to catch kids as they wake. He is on kid duty until around 7/7:30 when they are all up and having breakfast - he also gets their lunches ready. He then either goes for a run or exercises in the home gym. I get dressed whilst they are having breakfast and get the little two dressed, eldest just needs supervision.
Husband is finished with exercise around 8:30 when he starts work, but also helps with getting kids in car if he’s around.
I check bags and load kids etc then do any necessary school / nursery drops offs.

It doesn’t happen every day but it’s certainly not uncommon for Husband to finish work at around 5 and for to either go and sit in a silent room or take the dogs for a walk on my own from 5-6 whilst he parents and preps their dinner. I then ‘clock back on’ and we joint parent from 6-8 to do bedtimes etc.

Its all very much a rhythm rather than a routine so things change about, but the morning gym time is important to him and he more than pulls his weight as a husband and father so I’m very happy to help accommodate it.

My partner has a construction business and does quotes every weekend. Because during the week he is actually on a building site or visiting prospective clients. Weekends is when he has time to sit down and do the quotes on the projects he inspected throughout the week. Why does it strike you as unusual?

So he isn't actually an involved parent before 7am anyway. In that case it shouldn't matter if he is in or out of the house.
If there is one conversation you need to have with him it's the conversation about lack of actual tangible support in the mornings. Gym is a red herring.

@CobaltSky

Yes, essentially.
Nothing else to add.

Are you not a mum?

Also interested in this self-employed guy who does weekend quotes...?!?!?

OP is on Mat Leave to look after one child - the new baby. She's also only on Mat Leave during her working hours. The other hours of the day are normal hours. The other children need the normal responsibilities fulfilling jointly.

Yes, there's some flexibility, but Mat Leave isn't a year out to provide 24/7 availability to your family. The sooner the dad is active and involved the better.

I'd be highly suspicious of someone instantly committing to a 5 day a week gym routine anyway - people who do that usually fail. Added to the "weekend work" it's rather suspicious...

100% this
honestly why do women put up with such BS and disrespect

He’s not the sole breadwinner OP earns more and is on Mat pay!

OP maybe whilst your on Mat leave I’d potentially entertain this but when you go back he needs to be pulling his weight

my Dp decided that he wanted to start going into the office every day at 7am (so leaving the house at 6am leaving me to get up with kids get them sorted to school and myself to work by 8.15am) to beat the traffic and get an early finish on a Friday, when I said great we can do a half day on a Friday at nursery then if you’re gonna be finishing early he changed his mind as he was going to use the half day to go to the gym and swim! Lovely, when’s my half day to do that then!

he doesn’t want to put the kids to bed on his own
Well that has to stop. He is their parent too, I think you need to start insisting on him doing his share of this. Quite likely he will make a mess of it at first and expect you to step in. I think this tactic is called weaponisrd incompetence, don't be taken in by it.

I’m still getting most my maternity pay and will go back before stat ends as I earn more than he does
This is important. Whatever happens you do not want to end up working full time as the majority breadwinner and doing all the childcare and housework. Make it clear now that this gym routine is temporary as when you go back to work he will have to do his fair share of mornings, bedtimes, everything.

Irrelevant when what she needs as a second pair of hands in the morning chaos